Brittle & Brave Adolescence: Working through Emotional Attunement & Conscious Parenting

Adolescence is rebirth. It is brittle and brave.

An estuary where childhood meets the sea of change.

Symbolically, Adolescence is a point in time where the ship of life decides to dock in the harbour of transition; drop its anchor; look back in the direction of its pristine childhood; sets its path & position; then turn around to look forward to what the journey of evolving has to offer. The churning of childhood with its share of parents & family will always be its guiding lighthouse supporting its journey through the rough seas, unchartered waters, and mesmerizing experiences. ?

In simple terms, Adolescence is the primary phase of the shift from being a child to a young person who is more aware, sensitive, mature, and ready to take on higher responsibilities and learn more complicated things.

Adolescence is a tiny exceptional window period in the navigation of our children’s lives which can either make them self-confident or self-doubters for the rest part of their life.

What do adolescents crave the most?

There is only one simple answer to this question. It is FREEDOM!

Till this turning point in life, our children have been living cosy, shining in the warmth of our love & protection in a constrained space. Though, now their changing cognitive thoughts are giving them signals, that they are ready to be on their own; take their own decisions and explore their rights over their freedom. They are making it clear through words and action; that they don’t need you to be everywhere or tell them everything.

Their independence is of great importance to them. It makes them feel powerful. And they want more of this every passing moment. It is like someone pressed an automatic button called self-experimentation mode.

You can hear them saying; “Let me try this myself!”, “I can do this, mommy!”, “Don’t worry, I will be fine!”, “This is easy, and I know it!”, “Let me go!”, “I am not a baby anymore!” and more statements and screams you can add on here…

Let us remember, that adolescence is a natural flow in the human development process with rapid changes in physical, cognitive, and social growth. The process of TFA – Thoughts, Feelings and Action; goes through its empowering changes.

Now, as parents, we are fighting our perspectives with that our child’s varying narratives. We are suddenly, jolted by the awakening of “Oh, they don’t want us for this roller coaster ride anymore”! We yearn to be their soul readers, want them to need us, ask us, believe in us, enquire, and take advice. We miss the parent we used to be, running around them, telling them stories!

This change is triggering big unregulated emotions in us parents too!

However, it is high time we accept this metamorphosis in their life. Adolescence is like the chrysalis stage in the lifecycle of a butterfly where the pupa is changing into the butterfly. If we intervene at this stage, to release the butterfly, it will not go through the natural process and die due to its weak physical and mental structure. Because it was not exposed to the chemical changes in its survival.

We as parents should make sure that we do not overburden or overhelp our adolescents with our opinions. The natural process of adolescence is already giving them enough hormonal fluctuations, mood temperaments, body changes and emotional outbursts.

We have just one big job to do here and that is to TRUST the transition process!

There is this insightful dialogue in one of the episodes of “Madam Secretary”. The exchange of words between, Elizabeth McCord and her eldest daughter Stevie. It flows like this.

Elizabeth McCord: If you never listen to anything I say again for the rest of your life, please hear this. Everything is more complicated than you think it is right now. And the only way you come to know that is through experience. And that’s what this whole process of growing up is all about.

Stevie: “Yeah. I know. I gotta go and do that now!”

It’s just so uncomplicated. Right! And yet we are scared! Nevertheless, we must let them go and catch the wind they want to fly or fleet with.

One may ask what is our role then as parents of these budding young people experiencing adolescence? Note that we have loads of systems to plug in that will make the flow easier. Here are a few.

1.?????Create a safe space without judgements, bullying or harsh comments.

2.?????Building empathy in our relationship and giving space to be who they want to be without fear, guilt, or shame.

3.?????Grow acceptance at par with love. Tell them, ‘we love you for whoever and whatever you want to be provided it doesn’t of course harm anyone or causes self-harm.

4.?????Plug-in Creative & Logical challenges that we can take together with our adolescents. This helps us be on the same page as them.

5.?????Showcase sensitivity and patience to their behaviour. Talk to them and assure them that everything will be fine.

6.?????Be flexible with your parenting. This is an experimental stage, and you cannot be on the extreme ends of the spectrum. Balance out permissions, rules, and regulations.

7.?????Perfection is a myth. We all are built to try, fail, succeed, just be and more. So let us not push our adolescents to be perfect. Let them be happy. That’s more important.

8.?????Create consistency in the communication channel between you and your adolescent. You need to hear about each other’s life and respect how you perceive things differently.

9.?????Talk to them about boundaries, how to create them and maintain their sanctity.

10.??Sex Education is also a must-have conversation. Take help from books or a sex educator to understand how to go about it. Just giving a book or showing them a video will not suffice. Mentioning here a reference for sexuality educator based in India. Niyatii N Shah

Many parents think that adolescence and teens is about a time when you become your child’s friends. That is not the logical way to look at this phase. And will create havoc on their social life. Remember “Human being is a social animal”! Their deal with friendship and creating connections in the social fabric is a very different deal and needs to be treated separately. Just remember, once a parent, always a parent! We must stand guard to that. Neither can we be authoritarian nor permissive. Neither a helicopter parent nor neglectful. We need to adopt conscious parenting, balancing between being accepting and authoritative.

Let us tell our adolescents ...

"We are a family bound with the sacredness of our ancestors’ dreams that turned out to be true. And each of our roles in the family is imperative to carry our legacy forward. We need to strengthen our bonds as the world wildly changes around us. And we need to carry the healing spirit with us for generations to come. Because ages from now in the future we will be called our children’s ancestors!"