Bringing Back "The Pause" - why words matter and kindness rules

“Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? If not, don't say it.”

I came across those wise words in a twitter post recently and they really resonated with me. The full quote is from Bernard Melzer and it reads: “Before you speak ask yourself if what you are going to say is true, is kind, is necessary, is helpful. If the answer is no, maybe what you are about to say should be left unsaid.” 

I wholeheartedly agree with Mr. Meltzer. Words matter, people! 

Why do they matter so much NOW?

While words have always mattered, I think they matter MORE now. I am seeing behavioral changes at a macro level that are alarming to me. The world seems to be becoming meaner by the minute. People (who I bet think of themselves as nice people) are behaving in ways they never would have just a few years ago. They say the most unbelievable things on social media – somehow thinking that these words they use, and the way they use them, will have no consequences?

As I think about root cause, I believe it comes down to technology and how connected we all are without being face to face. Technology enables us to do so much more, with less, and this is a double-edged sword. On the one hand we can do more with less - this is a good thing, right? We get more done in less time, and it’s easier to produce great things from the comfort of our desk or home office. But on the other hand, it also makes it easier for us to blast our opinions out to a huge amount of people, in a split second. We can be “keyboard warriors” and blast out our (often mean) thoughts, then literally walk away unharmed. No harm no foul, right?  It’s not like there is a real human on the other end, right?

WRONG!  The thing that keyboard warriors forget, is that they usually choose to do those blasts when they are angry or stressed. So we are at our very worst when we send out these rants or venting posts, and our actions DO have consequences that are long-reaching and serious – both to the person sending the blast, and the person/people on the receiving end.

Serious consequences to the Keyboard Warrior:

Simply put, what you put out there (via social, and in other ways) affects your reputation, your overall “brand” and (usually) will affect someone else’s day as well. 

Let’s first look at what this behavior does to your personal brand and your reputation.

When you “vent” from your keyboard on social sites where dozens, hundreds, or even thousands of people might see your post (as is the case with large Facebook or LinkedIn groups), what you are effectively showing the world is that you can’t control your anger and you are an unkind, inconsiderate person. And, since what goes on Social Media is there literally forever, it’s impossible to “take back” once it’s out there.

Let that sink in for a moment. Is that your intention? To permanently show the world that you are out of control and angry? If someone stopped you just before you hit “send” and said “Wait a minute – what is your INTENTION here? Is it to show the world that you are a reactive and angry (and possibly mean) person? OR – is it to get help and support on a difficult issue?” 

I suspect that if the people who rant and vent on social just asked themselves those questions, they would stop for a moment and think. Then, the opening line of the post might change to something like this instead “I’m experiencing a few issues with (insert product XYZ or client issue here), and I am wondering if anyone has any advice to help me figure this out?”

But the harm in this behavior doesn’t stop at your reputation and your brand - there is an additional harmful effect keyboard warriors often experience as a result of just saying what they want to say, when they want to say it, and in the harmful and mean way they often say it.  Engaging in this kind of behavior frequently on social can make it much more likely that you will be sarcastic or mean in your face-to-face reactions, because you get desensitized to the language you use and you get used to just letting it fly without consequences. In reality, there are serious consequences to behaving this way in person. Do this often enough, and what ultimately happens is that you’ll start to lose important people in your life – they literally will just start shutting you out, one by one. You could even lose your job, or your marriage. NO ONE wants to be around an angry person who is out of control and doesn’t stop to think about the harm their words cause. Words DO matter.

But what about the harm to your Audience? 

The people who read those keyboard warrior rants on social – are they harmed too? Well, often they are. Depending on the “thickness” of the recipient’s skin, at best these rants are an annoyance, but at worst, they can be really hurtful and ruin the day. In extreme cases, careers are ruined, or friendships sundered. Because again, you can't erase something once its out there on social. It will persist.

And since keyboard warriors often are really good with their words and know where to “stick the knife in” they can whip up other keyboard warriors and really cause a big issue. All of a sudden there are more and more keyboard warriors contributing to the hate speech, and the recipient is now under a big dog pile of nastiness.   

Bringing back the “pause”

My mission is to bring back the “pause” – you know the one I am talking about – it’s that little breath you take before you speak your mind to a person standing in front of you.  The one that often saves you from really hurting that person, or saying things you will definitely regret later.

The good news here is that most of us still have that pause available to us when we speak to people face to face. But the challenge is that many of us have lost that pause when we are sitting in front of a keyboard. We just blast away – not stopping and thinking about what we are saying, or how it will affect the people who are on the other end of that blast. Or, the people who read that blast as they go about their day, and then are drawn into the negativity and anger. And we definitely don't stop and think about the harm to our reputations, our brands, and our personal relationships.

Because of all of these reasons, I encourage all of you to pause when you feel angry. Ask yourself if ranting on social or venting in your favorite Facebook group is going to help the situation. The immediate answer might be – “yes, it will make me feel better”, but if we ALSO apply Bernard Meltzer's 4 questions, we will very likely end up saying “no – this post is not necessary, helpful or kind” and we can then pause, take a deep breath, get up and get a cup of tea, or maybe stand up, stretch and take a short walk, and then come back to the keyboard and do something else instead of sending that poisonous missive that would only cause others to be upset as well, and would damage your reputation and brand, instead of building it.