Breaking the (working) motherhood myths: why we need to talk about the role of working fathers

Like many, I read the FT’s article "Can you be a mother and a senior law firm partner" with great interest.  I am both a mother (to a 16 month old boy) and an equity partner in a boutique competition law firm. 

While I agree with the premise of the article, and much of what was said, it did appear to be missing one fundamental point.  That really nothing will change until we completely rethink how society views the role of fathers, and in particular working fathers.  So much is written about the challenges facing women in law, the impossibility of making partner just at the time your biological clock starts ticking, maintaining client relationships while on maternity leave, juggling childcare with meetings and conference calls, the list goes on and on.  I used to read all these articles, looking for the answers.  But for all the discussion of flexible working, quotas, female mentoring programs and the like, there was always one glaring omission.  Absolutely no discussion around the role of fathers in all of this.  And until that changes, we are just not going to move very far. 

The traditional model of the father going out to work and having no role in their child’s life just does not exist anymore.  Most dads I know try to have as active a role as they can.  But how often do you hear of a dad taking a day off because their child is sick? In law firms this is pretty rare, particularly at partner level.  And maybe this is where we are going wrong.  If there was as much chance of a male partner having to take off a day to look after a sick child as a female partner, then perhaps we wouldn’t question how on earth a female partner can manage children and her job. No one ever asks men how they juggle children and their job. Ever.  The societal assumption is just that they have someone else looking after their children. And yet for women, that is all we get asked.  As if the responsibility for 100% of the childcare should always fall upon the mothers.  

Perhaps if the burden was shifted, and society expected fathers to take 50% of the responsibility, then they would be happier to do so, and working environments would take account of that.  I spoke to a working dad recently who has a senior position (although not a partner) at a law firm, and who works a four-day week so that he can look after his child for one day.  I asked how he managed to field calls and meetings on that one day.  His response was refreshingly simple – “I just tell clients I am not available. That I could do a call on Monday, or Thursday but not Wednesday.  It’s no different to being in another meeting - it’s just with a 2 year old.”  Years of reading all those articles about how to be a working mum, juggle children and a career etc and by far the best advice I have ever received came from a working dad.  And yet the idea of a dad working four days a week to help with childcare is, in my experience, the exception and not the rule.  Many dads feel pressure not to take up parental leave, or not to leave early/arrive late to do the pick up/drop off at school, or not to attend the school play – even though they want to.  As the expectation works both ways – if women are expected to be in charge of the childcare and make all the sacrifices, then men are expected not to.  And that is very frustrating for both mothers and fathers.  

So what we need is far more honesty.  From both working mothers and working fathers.  Christine Armstrong wrote an excellent article in The Times on this subject, highlighting the impossible dream that is being sold to working mothers.  The most eye-opening example she gives is of a senior woman who denied onstage at a corporate event that she had ever had a nanny, “let alone one upon whom she wholly depended to keep the household working”, to avoid being judged as a bad or lazy mother.  That she felt it necessary to do this is a damning indictment of how society views working women or, perhaps, how we think society views us.  

I therefore feel it is incumbent upon senior women, both in law and more widely, to speak more openly and truthfully about the “nitty-gritty” of making it work. And for senior men to do so too.  I can only do what I do, because I have a husband who is self-employed so can look after my son one day a week, and has more flexibility in his down time. But when my husband is working, his availability is extremely limited so then we call upon grandparents.  We moved out of London to be closer to them, as we realised that was the only way we would survive.  So we parent as a team, with a lot of help from grandparents and nursery, which my son attends two days a week.  It is not perfect, things go wrong and sometimes the house of carefully constructed cards falls down.  Children get sick, you have sleepless nights and then need to attend an important meeting – that is par for the course.  But I am extremely fortunate to have a lot of help from a lot of people, and the flexibility to manage my own time.  And that is the only way I can do my job.  

Marcia Kilgore, the founder of Soap & Glory, FitFlop and Beauty Pie, talks about the frustrations that come from being a working mother as part of The Times Leading Women column, but is also refreshingly practical.  In her view, “unless you’re in an extreme and uncontrollable situation like a war zone, life is simply a series of your own choices. You might be up in the night with a sick child, but you chose to be a mum and this is what comes with it.”  I think this is very good advice.  But there is no reason dads can’t be up in the night too, and most dads I know would be.  

Modern working families have changed.  Couples get divorced and a dad may get full custody of the children. Gay couples adopt and children may have two dads or two mums.  And yet somehow, despite the increasingly active role dads take in their children’s lives outside the office, the focus remains on the working mother and not the working father.  In March 2018, the Women and Equalities Committee published its pretty damning report on Fathers and the Workplace, concluding that working dads are failed by workplace policies, and that these policies must be reformed to ensure they meet the needs of the 21st century family.

I asked a senior male partner with children for his view on fatherhood and working life.  His comments are, I think, indicative of how many men feel, but rarely feel able to discuss. 

“From the perspective of a father, I would add that our lot is pretty crap. We are often the main financial providers and there is little tolerance if we avail ourselves of flexible working or otherwise pro-rata our working week - not at work and not at home. None. Those things are not intended for men! So the pressure is intense and you are never allowed to show weakness, otherwise you are out. If you get divorced, you will see your children once every 2 weeks - and not 50 percent as in other EU countries. Why?!. So our society as a whole is deeply sexist and flawed. It is not an issue for women. It is an issue for everyone!”

I could not agree more. We spend so much time talking about the role of working mothers, no one is really talking about the role of working fathers.  And in my view it is about time we started.

Sarah Long is a partner at Euclid Law, a boutique competition law firm.  Views are her own and do not constitute legal advice.  You can follow Sarah on twitter @sarahklong.