Breaking the triangle of drama

“Stop playing games!”

We’ve all heard it, or even said it. It’s an utterance said in response to the behaviours or actions of a person having a moment of low Emotional Intelligence: when somebody employs a technique to avoid displaying a frank, honest and grown-up reaction or approach to a situation or request.

People play emotional ‘games’ to coerce a situation / request towards their desired outcome without being direct. This inability to communicate directly often results from a fear of how others may react to candid and undesired responses.

A failure to handle situations appropriately is either a consequence of being uncertain about how to act correctly given the circumstances, or as a result of anxiety about a behaviour or action that differs from expected norms — it is improper, ill-considered or perhaps, even, morally wrong.

Imagine people who play ‘games’ are the amateurish version of professional actors performing in a play at your local theatre. Playing ‘games’ is an act, a drama in which the amateur dramatics are acted out by people playing a variety of distinct roles.

There is the Victim, the Villain and the Hero — each actor will perform in each of these roles throughout the drama.

This is how ‘games’ are played, whether they're meant to be a light-hearted jape or aggressive response, whether they’re played by our friends and loved-ones or managers, leaders and colleagues. These are ideas echoed by Eric Berne in his best-selling book “Games People Play”, in which he states ‘games’ are played at three levels of intensity.

1. The first-level ‘games’ are friendly, social and unlikely to cause any short- or long-term damage.
2. Unlike the first-level ‘games’ that involve no underhand, deceitful, cloak-and-dagger behaviours, the second-level ‘games’ are more serious and rarely disclosed by the actors involved. The behaviours at this level may not only be foolish and laughable, but the risks involved may also be higher with a more important outcome.
3. Third-level games, however, are the most serious, since these may have major long-term impact in terms of cost, emotion, relationships and health.

The Victim, The Villain and The Hero

‘Games’ acted out by a Victim, a Villain and a Hero align with Stephen Karpman’s “Karpman Drama Triangle”, in which the characters are referred to as the Victim, Persecutor (Villain) and Rescuer (Hero).

A triangle is important because three is the smallest number of actors needed to stage the drama. A three-person interaction reduces the stress associated with any uncomfortable situation involving only two-people.

We seek the so-called ‘triangulation’ effect of including a third person in our dramas because not only do we find it less challenging, but we also find ease and comfort in sharing the strain with a third-party. We can also shift some of the responsibility, too.

Without the third-person, our dramas repeatedly shift back-and-forth between the lovers' tiff and ‘kiss and make up’ phases.

The third-person assumes the role of the Hero, here to save the Victim from the Villain.

The Hero is an enviable role to play, since it is initially free from the scene being acted out by the Victim and the Villain. However, as mentioned earlier, the actors change role as the drama progresses, so the Hero’s role can quickly change to the Victim or the Villain, with either actor in these roles switching to the Hero and exiting stage left. And thus, the drama is played out in this manner until the final curtain falls on this comedy or tragedy.

Let’s take a closer look at the characters, remembering that in our drama each actor has his or her personal motivations and rewards for playing each role.

The Victim

He or she feels trapped, blamed, unable to right wrongs, disempowered, disenfranchised or silenced — lacking a voice to rightfully repair what he or she sees as unfair misdoings. The Victim often has villain-dependency: a reliance on the presence of a Villain.

To a Victim, the Villain does not necessarily need to be a person — it can be a situation, a set of circumstances or other outside influence.

The Villain

He or she places the blame with others and refuses to accept or acknowledge any responsibility. The Villain may often assume the command-and-control position, a role that makes him or her appear arrogant, self-centred and lacking insight, clarity or vision about the true nature of a situation. The Villain often has victim-dependency: a reliance on the presence of a Victim.

To a Villain, the Victim does not necessarily need to be a person to be blamed — it can be a situation, a set of circumstances or other outside influence.

The Hero

He or she likes to get involved in other people’s business, both personal and professional, because it allows him or her to shift focus and avoid thinking about his or her own problems.

The Hero is both an anomaly in the performance and an essential ingredient that feeds the emotions of the other two roles.

The Hero feels snubbed if not invited to join the drama between the Victim and the Villain, despite his or her presence having both a positive and negative effect.

The presence of a Hero allows the Victim to be justified in feeling ill-treated; the Villain feels vindicated by the presence of a Hero.

The Hero, whilst superficially appearing to be a mediator, has his or her own vested interests in ensuring the drama continues without resolution for as long as possible. It is rewarding.

What does this mean for business?

Victims accustomed to this drama, those who enjoy these dramatics and are well-versed in playing ‘games’, may often assign the role of Villain to his or her leader or manager. This does not bode well for a successful, cooperative and convivial team environment.

This vicious triangle needs to be broken.

Villains accustomed to this drama are skilled in having a dependency, too, much like the Victims. This usually means anybody perceived as having less power or strength by the Villain will be victimised.

This vicious triangle needs to be broken.

Heroes thrive on a dependency resulting from drama being played out between the Victim and the Villain. In this drama, the Hero is far from peacemaker — fanning the flames will disrupt the working balance within a team.

This vicious triangle needs to be broken.

 Breaking the triangle

So, as leaders, coaches, mentors and concerned friends, family or colleagues, how do we break this triangle, how do we encourage and empower the Victim, Villain or Hero to cast themselves in a different role?

Inspiring high Emotional Intelligence by promoting and demonstrating emotionally intelligent behaviour is critical.

There are many ways this can be achieved, and we can take our cues from several well-known approaches: "The Winner's Triangle” by Ackey Choy (1990) and “The Power of TED (The Empowerment Dynamic)” by David Emerald (2009).

Good leadership, for example, who sees this triangulated drama unfolding, or who sees traits of the Victim, Villain or Hero in its people, can follow a few simple, high-level techniques.

• A Victim should be encouraged to be more self-aware, to accept vulnerability and see it as an opportunity to adopt a more problem-solving focus.
• A Villain should be encouraged to remain assertive without punishing others, to adopt a team-mentality in seeking answers and solutions.
• A Hero should be encouraged to remain caring — that behaviour is to be applauded — yet do not get involved in the problems of others, since this can be detrimental to a situation.

Since we know each of the actors in the triangle will shift into the role of the Victim during the drama, we can also take a generic approach to empowering each character by reinforcing the following ideas.

• Be clear about what you want instead of what you don’t want.
• Be focused on goals and outcomes instead of problems; see problems as opportunities for positive action.
• Accept you can make choices and solve your own problems.
• Recognise the gap between the current situation and intended goal or outcome.
• Respond to the gap constructively by taking incremental steps towards the intended goal or outcome.
• Adopt an attitude of professional and personal learning and growth.
• Explicitly clarify what is expected of other people, situations, circumstances or outside influences.
• Seek advice to help make informed choices.

Peter Mulville has over 23-years’ professional experience focusing on organisational challenges, such as business processes and improvements, facilitation and enablement, service management orientation, and strategy. Experienced in leadership, coaching, mediation, team-velocity and the concept of People-First, Peter is critical thinking, complex problem solving and uses Emotional intelligence and body language to nurture a culture of trust, respect, communication and cohesion. Peter is also a Project Manager and well-versed and experienced in governance, risk, and compliance, IT information security and SQL business intelligence.

Keywords: #MatsudaMulville #MatsudaMulvilleThinking #CognitiveFlexibility #ComplexProblemSolving #CoordinatingWithOthers #CriticalThinking #EmotionalIntelligence #JudgementandDecisionMaking #Negotiation #PeopleManagement #FourthIndustrialRevolution