Breaking Through Fear

Your life is what your

thoughts make it.

Confucious

Recently I Zoomed with Jasmin (names changed), a new client who wants to learn how to engage with and not repel people. She claims she turns off people because she has a hard time making eye contact and gets nervous when talking, especially with people she doesn’t know and so doesn’t trust.?

Because Jasmin has a great smile and friendly energy I was puzzled – what is she telling herself that makes her feel so uncomfortable that her unease becomes off-putting?

Jasmin eventually revealed she’s afraid people are going to hurt her – not physically, but emotionally.?

When I asked when was the last time someone had intentionally or unintentionally hurt her, to her surprise, she couldn’t recall.

Her fear has as much validity as the fear of getting hit by lightning on a clear day. While she recognizes her fear is bogus, it still paralyzes her.

Facing down fear, no matter how irrational, is hard because it requires that we ?change – and we can’t change until we acknowledge that the fear is irrational.?

The truth is – the only person who likes change is a wet baby!

Before any change can take place, we have to recognize the sneakiness of our resistance

–?????what are we truly afraid of??

Jasmin isn’t afraid of people.

She’s afraid of being hurt by people. Or more accurately, she’s afraid of the possibility of people hurting her.

Here’s the thing – change is not about a personality makeover.

However, only when we decide to do something new can we then resolve to manage our self-sabotaging behavior. We can resolve we’re not going to continue to be entrapped by our old, fear-induced rituals.?

Managing our self-sabotaging behavior is ALL about learning how not to screw things up for our own self.?

Here are four steps to take so as not to get in your own way.?

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First, when a fear kicks in, stop and ask yourself, “Am I simply reacting out of habit?”?

Jasmin revealed that when she goes into a work meeting, virtual or in-person, she gets nervous because she’s afraid of getting hurt or embarrassed. But there’s no one in that meeting who will hurt her without her permission.?

Since she knows she works with good people, getting nervous is just her default setting.?

Second, ask yourself, “Is there another way of doing this?”?

I urged Jasmin to take a moment before entering a meeting room and say to herself, “I’m entering a room where no one wants to hurt me.” She must talk down the fear of the irrational lie that people want to hurt her.

Third, be present – commit to showing-up in the moment.

Stay present. Don’t get caught up in psychodrama of your own creating. Be curious and open to the situation and the people in it.

Fourth, celebrate the win for “change.”

At some later point, take a moment to acknowledge that you resisted caving in to the power of whatever lie you’ve been telling yourself. Evaluate the experience. What did you do differently and how did that change the quality of your experience?

Our self-sabotaging lies become the air we breathe. BUT – with practice we can reduce their power and break through to a new way of being and doing.

Life-giving power comes from taking responsibility and refusing to be held hostage by old, self-sabotaging habits.

Ah, but there is more. . .

I had written the above posting last week and then put it to the side to “marinate,” as it were. It happened to be a day when I felt anxious about the Delta variant after having listened to way too much cable news. So, I decided to do laundry – something practical that I had control over.?

Later, when I went to the laundry room to retrieve my clothes from the dryer, I found them all neatly folded and placed in the basket. What a great gift for a guy who never folds his laundry!

Just then, along came the cleaning lady who works for my neighbor. She smiled and went about taking my neighbor’s clothes from the dryer. I thanked her for her kindness. She said it was nothing and went on her way.

This woman’s generous act jolted me. She wasn’t being paid to do my laundry. She could have dumped my clothes on top of the dryer. Her worries, whatever they might be, did not prevent her from acting beyond self-interest.

The sight of my neatly folded laundry invited me to consider how I can easily slip into self-absorption – and self-absorption is a breeding ground for fear.

How do you break through fear? While there are many ways, including the simple workarounds I listed above, maybe the simplest way is to pay attention – real attention – to the relationships in your life.

Without realizing it, the cleaning woman invited me to consider how I’ve been tending to relationships – family, friends and business associates.

Can we still be gracious and generous with friends and colleagues, offering kind surprises, despite, instead of, tending to the fear generated by self-absorption?

Simple things we can do that worry and fear might make us neglect include:

·???????answering e-mails and phone messages in a timely way

·???????being available to people seeking out our help

·???????rousing ourselves when we want to isolate

·???????paying kindness forward

Consider these questions as you commit to breaking through fear in all its variations:

1.??????????On what lately has my attention been obsessing?

2.??????????In what ways has this taken me away from my relationships – professional and personal?

3.??????????What simple steps can I take to reconnect – whose “laundry” can I fold?

now THAT is the business of confidence!

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Do you want to break through the negative thinking that is preventing you from being influential and heard?

To explore how one-on-one communication skills coaching can help you present you with enhanced confidence,

contact me at:

?[email protected]

818-415-8115