Breaking the Silence - one woman's story

In the wake of the #MeToo movement and, more recently, the #March4Justice public demonstrations I have had cause to reflect and remember too many painful examples of misogyny and sexualised violence I have endured throughout my lifetime. I am not unique in my catalogue of past grievances, and I share my story here with the hope that it brings peace and solidarity to other women who are struggling with their own truths. You are not alone.

I was tricked by an older male relative to believe that what happened was just a fun game, our special secret. On reflection as an adult, I know that what happened was sexual assault. It seems quite stark writing those words, but it's true.

I was too young to understand what was really happening, let alone to give my consent in the full knowledge of what that means. For years I blocked out this incident, then I questioned if it really happened – but I recall many details and I know it did happen.

There were times when, as an adult, I questioned why I didn't tell my parents – I was even quite self-critical on this point. Maybe it was because I didn't understand the significance, maybe because I had already absorbed the culture that girls don’t question, and boys can do whatever they want.

At any rate, I did NOT tell my parents, but I was also not afraid of a repeat occurrence because we did not see this relative very often.

Later in life, when he got married and had daughters, I wondered what his wife would think if she knew? I wondered how he would react if his daughters came to him with a similar story. It never crossed my mind that he would abuse his own daughters, but then what would I know?

In confronting this truth, my shameful secret, I am aware of the stigma and shame that keeps women silenced. Dr Clarissa Pinkola Estés describes this in her book Women who run with the wolves.

"When a woman keeps a shameful secret it is horrifying to see the enormous amounts of self-blame and self-torture she endures. All the blame and torture that were promised to descend upon the woman if she tells the secret does so anyway, even though she has told no one; it all attacks her from within." 

That silence is a burden that weighs me down every day and stops me from living a full life.

It's not only my silence that I'm carrying – my load includes the whisperings of other women who have confided in me their stories of abuse, assault and harassment while swearing me to secrecy and not being willing to make a formal complaint to the relevant authority.

Who can blame us for not breaking our silence when we see how our sisters who speak out are attacked with vicious vitriol and howled down? They suffer the most awful character assassinations – it's a wonder they don't curl up and die on the spot. But they endure, they develop yet another battle scar. This has long been the response to women reporting inappropriate behaviour. 

In a culture where gender stereotypes are well entrenched, unconscious bias and systemic disadvantage take their toll. A lifetime of "jokes" that make me out to be "less than" are like the death of 1000 cuts – each one hurts and kills off part of my life force.

I am also aware that as a caucasian, cisgender, heterosexual woman I live a privileged life. Women of colour, transgender or non-binary people, gay, lesbian and bisexual people and people who live with a disability all have experienced much more feeling of being "less than". Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander women have particularly endured centuries of sexual violence by the European invaders, with little consideration for their wellbeing or their wishes, and then compounding that by stealing their children away. The resilience shown by First Nations women is phenomenal – but it should never have come to this.

In the end what I can do is to remember and to choose to forgive (or not). I can stand up and say Enough is Enough! I can encourage girls to be strong and use their voices and I can encourage boys to treat themselves and others, particularly girls, with respect. I can call out inappropriate behaviour when I see it. I can educate people about unconscious bias and how it hurts everyone. I can forgive myself for not speaking out when I didn't feel strong enough to do so. 

All these things are within MY power. They are my contribution to changing the world so that the powerlessness and apathy from "It's just the way things are" is transformed into the powerful and purposeful "This is the new way we will build together".

If this article has raised any concerns for you, please contact Lifeline by calling 13 11 14 or via their website at https://www.lifeline.org.au/ . If you have been affected by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse you can get help by calling 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 782 or accessing their website at https://www.1800respect.org.au/.