Breaking the Rules to Build Real Connections with Community Builder, Carly Valancy

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Have you ever felt like the concept of networking has been ruined by rigid rules and stiff expectations? Like it’s a game where you have to show up perfectly polished, offering just the right amount of value, while hoping you don’t come across as desperate or awkward?

On episode 9 of the Seeking the Overlap Podcast , I sat down with Carly Valancy , a community builder, creator, and all-around connection enthusiast, who’s on a mission to change the way we think about networking. Carly has built her life around finding and fostering meaningful relationships, and she’s learned that the secret isn’t about following rules—sometimes it’s about breaking them.

If networking feels exhausting or inauthentic to you, Carly’s approach might just reframe everything you thought you knew about connecting with others.

?? Listen to Episode 9 here ??

Throw Out the Script

One of the first things Carly shared was how her own networking habits transformed when she let go of the so-called “right way” to do things. She used to craft meticulously detailed emails, each one packed with a “gift”—a compliment, a resource, or an offer to help. They were long, thorough, and technically perfect.

But one day, she decided to experiment. Instead of the polished, rule-following email, she sent something short, vulnerable, and imperfect.

The result? Carly found that people were more receptive, not less. Her vulnerability resonated. Her authenticity cut through the noise. What she thought might be a “bad” email often led to the most meaningful responses.

Her takeaway is one we could all use: when we let go of perfection and show up as our real, messy, human selves, we open the door to deeper, more genuine connections.

Start with Curiosity

Carly also talked about how we can redefine the purpose of networking entirely. Instead of viewing it as a transactional exercise—“Who can help me get what I want?”—she reframes it as an exploration of curiosity.

She suggests starting with one simple question: What am I obsessed with right now?

It could be a TV show, an industry trend, a podcast, or even a niche topic you’ve been quietly Googling in bed at night. Whatever it is, that’s your jumping-off point. Find people who share your interests, who work in that space, or who create the content you admire. Reach out to them—not with an agenda, but with genuine curiosity and a desire to connect over something you both care about. As Carly said,

“Life is about who you choose to know. The best opportunities don’t come from chance; they come from following your passions and reaching out to the right people.”

It’s Not About the Short Game

Another gem Carly shared is that true networking is rarely about instant gratification. It’s a long game. It’s planting seeds, nurturing relationships, and allowing opportunities to grow over time.

When Carly reaches out to someone, she doesn’t ask herself, “What can I get from this person today?” Instead, she asks, “What kind of relationship could we build over the next five years?”

Sometimes, those connections grow slowly. Other times, they flourish quickly and lead to unexpected opportunities. Either way, the point is to focus on the relationship, not the result.

Permission to Be Real

Perhaps the most liberating part of my conversation with Carly was the reminder that networking doesn’t have to strip us of our humanity.

There’s so much advice out there—don’t say “just,” don’t apologize, don’t show your nerves—but Carly pushes back against those rules. Sometimes we feel insecure, nervous, or even apologetic, and that’s okay. When we acknowledge those feelings instead of hiding them, we come across as real people. And when people see our humanity, they’re far more likely to connect with us.

“It’s not about being perfect,” Carly said. “It’s about being honest. Tell the truth, and the right people will resonate with you.”

A Challenge for You

So, here’s my challenge for you: break the rules.

Send a short email. Lead with curiosity instead of credentials. Let your vulnerability show. Whatever your usual networking “script” looks like, set it aside and experiment with showing up as your true self.

Carly reminded me—and I hope she reminds you—that meaningful connections aren’t born from perfection. They’re born from truth, curiosity, and a willingness to reach out, even when it feels a little scary.

This week, try reaching out to one person who inspires you. Share what you love about their work (Substack is perfect for this) or ask them about something you’re curious about. Don’t overthink it. Just be yourself.

And who knows? You might just spark a connection that changes everything.

?? Listen to Episode 9 here ??

Until next time, happy connecting!

Baily Hancock ?? Professional Friend-Maker is a Connection Strategist, Writer, Keynote Speaker, and Host of the “Seeking the Overlap” Podcast?dedicated to helping people build reciprocal relationships and collaborative communities where they feel safe, seen, and supported in both work and life. Head to OverlapCollective.com to learn more, or comment below and say hello!