Breaking the Resentment Cycle

WHAT IS RESENTMENT

Resentment can show up in a variety of ways within our lives and relationships. It’s characterized by a personal sense of feeling unfairly treated by another. 

Resentment is emotionally experienced as a conglomeration of back and forth emotional experiences like unsafe and fearful, unworthy or betrayed, sad, and angry or rageful. Physically, resentment shows up as a stress reaction in your body. The body contracts, tenses up and for many, may feel like it’s heating up. Mentally, resentment can be sneaky. It can disguise itself as acting in the name of “right-ness” or “justice” or “fairness” or “defense”, and so on. It can whisper words of spite, or yell hurtful statements.

IMPACT ON RELATIONSHIPS

Resentment is a silent killer of relationships; it creates distance between and among people we care about the most. The pain of resentment typically runs deeper than what the surface level issue is presented as. It’s usually fueled by a pain that is layered, which, as it goes unaddressed, results in a bigger void, deeper pain, and pervasive negative impact.

For example, you’re always doing all of the housework. The only thing your partner needs to do is take out the trash, yet they always forget. When they forget, you have to do it, which just adds more to your plate. You’re now feeling resentful. Every time you see the trash can you just want to dump it on their head. Generally, you’re a kind and patient person, but now you’re irritated in the mornings, because looking at the trash can reminds you of how unappreciated you are. 

You believe that clearly, if your partner just remembered to take out the trash, then you’d feel better, and this would all be resolved.

But, the pain actually runs deeper than your partner not taking out the trash. Maybe beneath that hurt, is the pain from growing up feeling like your voice didn't matter. You were expected to do what you were told, not talk back, and not voice your dreams or opinions. You felt shut down anytime you felt sad or mad, so you learned how to push those feelings down and get through school, home and then work, by working hard to please other people in spite of your own feelings or needs. 

You’d gotten really good at pushing your feelings down. 

You’d gotten really good at working hard to gain 

You learned how to behave as you “should”, but it was at the expense of betraying your own boundaries, feelings and needs.

Familiar thoughts creep in like:

“I shouldn't have to always be the one to take care of everything”

“No one ever helps out”

“No one appreciates what I do”

The “shoulds” that you took on earlier in life, which taught you not to set firm boundaries or validate your own emotional experiences, have been catching up with you. On one hand, you may feel angry because you’ve sacrificed a lot and done what you “should”, so the other person “should” too. On the other hand, you may feel sad, because you don’t want to keep ignoring your own boundaries or emotions just because you “should”. 

But, then again, if you “should”, then so “should” they, right?

THE RESENTMENT CYCLE 

As a society, we tend to get bombarded by how we “should” be, and that can cause a lot of internal pressure. With resentment, we take these "shoulds" and place them upon others. We than feel angry, hurt, betrayed, and so on, when someone doesn’t meet the expectation of the “should” that we have placed upon them. 

Although there are common “shoulds” that many people feel pressured by, our personal views of how we “should” be, think or feel, are subjective in nature. When we apply our “should” as an expectation about how someone else should be, think or feel, it creates opportunity for resentment to build. 

The Cycle

• “I” sacrificed or behaved in a way I “should” (usually at the expense of one's own desires, boundaries or emotional expression)
• “I” perceive that “You” did not do the same, and “you” also don’t understand my pain/perspective
• “You” need to fully understand and change or fix things, so “I” can feel better
• Sometimes the person does have something that needs to be changed, fixed, understood and apologized for (like cheating, yelling or gambling away money), but other times it is not as clear cut because it’s a series of interactions all rolled up into one.
• But, either way, even if the person understands and apologizes or is able to change or fix things, if the underlying root of the pain that bred the resentment in the first place isn't addressed, it will just continue to grow. You won’t feel better.

Resentment naturally puts us at a distance from that which we resent. There’s an underlying lack of feeling safe when resentment is present. This psychological lack of safety may be not feeling safe to trust, rely upon, open up to, or authentically express. Because of this unsafe feeling, when resentment is a t play, so too are our internal defenses. We are more likely to feel irritated and reactive. When we are in this state, our brains employ defense mechanisms and release stress hormones. This stress state results in more narrowed ways of thinking, seeing and doing. This is why we tend to go to a place of “they are wrong and I am right” or “they are bad and I am good” when we are in resentment. Rigid thinking kicks in during times of heightened stress and when feeling unsafe (even if we aren't fully aware that's how we feel).

In relationships, resentment is most frequently bred by a lack of open, clear and consistent communication (usually around expression of feelings and boundaries). It deepens when the emotional core of that resentment is rooted in pain from past experiences. To move forward, the individual needs to process the past pain, and effective communication needs to increase within the relationship.

HOW TO BREAK THE RESENTMENT CYCLE

Questions to ask yourself, to navigate resentment:

What is it I am feeling is unjust or unfair?

Does this feel familiar? Is this a pattern I’ve experienced in my life before? 

Am I feeling angry, guilty, or resentful towards myself? Am I really upset with me and need to be able to place blame.

Am I able to forgive myself? Do I want to?

What’s this resentment costing me? How’s it impacting me and my life?

Is this cost worth it for me to hold onto this resentment?

If I didn't hold onto it, what do I fear I’d have to accept?

What would this mean for me?

Am I worried something bad might happen?

What am I willing to accept about this situation, and what can I actually do something about?

Is there a boundary not being clearly and consistently out down, that I am willing to share?

Am I sharing my feelings openly and honestly? Does it feel safe to do so? 

As you engaged in this honest and open dialogue with yourself, you will gather new information that you'll be better aware needs to be addressed differently. If needed, ask for outside support to navigate what comes up for you, so you can move through your resentment with as least stress as possible.

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Dr. Toni is a licensed psychotherapist in the state of PA, mom of 3, former behavior specialist, and Life Advisor for the Busy & Ambitious. For more than a decade, she has been a parenting professional, working and studying in the fields of human behavior, psychology and sexuality.

Having navigated her own mental health issues and relationship challenges, she knows what it’s like to wrestle with the relentless need to achieve and overly active mind clutter. She didn’t just learn how to both prevent and exit burnout through her professional work and academic studies- she personally traversed the turmoil of burnout herself. She’s experienced the process of stepping out of burnout without compromising herself, her success, her health or her relationships.

Dr. Toni leverages her knowledge and experience gained both personally and professionally, and combines it with the most current research and brain science. This combination allows her to combine both practical steps and tools with the power of the mind, providing unprecedented support to her coaching clients. 

Dr. Toni earned her Masters degree in Clinical Social Work, her Masters degree in Education and her Doctorate of Philosophy in Human Sexuality at Widener University. She’s completed numerous certification programs, earning a robust amount of experience in areas such as coaching, trauma, mindfulness and various elements of human behavior and psychology. 

Dr. Toni is the founder of Dr. Toni Coaches, LLC, a coaching, educating and consulting business. It’s mission is to inspire and enact meaningful change in the world by helping impact makers create work, life & relationship balance, allowing them to more deeply and meaningfully live, love, connect and share their gifts, enhancing their lives and the lives of others. 

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Over the years, she’s guided countless people along their life journey, through life transitions, chronic stress, post-trauma, leadership and relationships challenges and more. She’s helped them to create a foundation for a less stressful, more fulfilling life that they enjoy living in. When she’s not supporting clients, she’s laughing with her children, taking nature walks, or enjoying some good old music, dancing or baking (okay, maybe a piece of chocolate and espresso, too). 

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