Breaking Point - Losing My Voice

“It’s good to talk”

“It’s ok not to be ok”

“Mental health isn’t a choice; recovery is”

“Real men don’t cry”

“Be kind to your brain, it’s the only one you have”

“Don’t be ashamed to tell your story; it will inspire others”

“Man up”…

I could go on. There are a LOT of slogans and phrases relating to mental health. Some positive, some not so much. I’m going to focus on some very common ones for reasons that will become clear.

It's ok not to be ok. It really is. How do I know? Because I’m not ok. I’ve not been ok for a long time. At the start of 2023 I was essentially at breaking point. In hindsight, I’d been on a slippery slope for too long and hadn’t realised. I’d missed or ignored the warning signs.

It was mid-morning on the 4th January and I was chatting to a work friend on Teams – the usual “how was the break?” catchup – and his comment “Jesus Christ chief, its 11am on the first day of the year and you’re already moaning” was a bit of a red flag. (Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always loved a good moan, but this was different. I was angry and grumpy and moaning about everything.)

As I lay awake in bed that night agitated, angry, sad, and not clear on what my brain was doing, I couldn’t see how I was going to get through the next 24 hours. My brain was going a million miles an hour on countless topics, with no clarity on what I should do, what decisions I needed to make, what was important, what wasn’t.

After feeling miserable for so long, I’d hit an all-time low and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know why I felt so miserable. I didn’t know what was wrong, or what I needed to do to fix it.

It got to 4am and I was still awake, wired and sobbing (real men do, in fact, cry.) As my brain continued to burn itself out I was lucky enough to have a brief moment of clarity, there was only one thing I needed to do - the next morning, I let those close to me in work know that I was struggling and needed to take a break and went off to get an appointment with my GP.

Fast forward to the middle of July, and I’ve just finished week 4 of my return to work. I needed 6 months away from work to reset my entire life. I needed to figure out why I was miserable and, quite simply, figure out how to be happy again. Sounds easy when you say it quickly…

It’s good to talk. It really is. How do I know? Because talking to people is helping me get back to ok again. Knowing that I have supportive and caring people around has made all the difference. Those closest to me in and out of work have been there to listen and talk as I’ve needed and help way more than they ever probably realise. Thank you. I wish I’d talked sooner…

I’m not “ok” yet. I’m still on the journey, in fact I’m at the start. Many people talk about their mental health, which is great to shine a light on what is often still a stigmatised topic. I’ve noticed a lot of content is written after the event, after they’ve got back to ok. I want to capture my journey as I go, hence writing this almost at the start whilst I’m figuring things out.

In future, I want to talk about how I’ve felt, my symptoms and how they have affected me day to day, as well as some theories on what I think has contributed to my condition. Given I’m early on in my journey, I really don’t know where this is going to take me so this might be the first of many, or my only post.

A final thought on mental health catchphrases: Don’t be ashamed to tell your story; it will inspire others. I’m not convinced my story is particularly inspiring. However, I do hope it encourages others to talk about their experiences and their own mental health. I hope others realise that there is a way out and often the first step is to talk to someone. It really has made all the difference for me.

That being said, I was actually inspired to get this written after a colleague shared a post by another EY colleague,? Andy Rumbles (who I don't know) who had shared his own story . Then, listening to a podcast last week, I heard a comment along the lines of "being courageous allows others to have courage" and that is exactly what happened for me - Andy's courage encouraged me to share my own story.

I've not written anything for years. I've barely spoken to anyone outside of my inner circle for almost as long. This is my first step to finding my voice again, my first step getting back to ok.