Breaking the People Pleasing Habit: Recognizing Signs, Unveiling Consequences, and Mastering Lasting Transformation.

Do you often find yourself playing the role of a "people pleaser," constantly putting the needs of others before your own? Do you struggle to set boundaries or say "no" when necessary? Well, fret not, my friends, because in this article we will dive deep into the fascinating world of people pleasing. We will explore the psychology behind this behaviour, the consequences it can have on your mental and emotional wellbeing, and most importantly, some effective ways to break free from this harmful cycle. Join us as we draw upon the wisdom of Gabor Mate and other experts in the field of psychology to help you reclaim your sense of self and start living life on your own terms!?

Signs of People Pleasers

Gabor Mate, a distinguished Canadian physician and author, posits that individuals who habitually bend over backwards to please others often suffer from a skewed sense of self, coupled with a dearth of self-esteem and self-worth. These people, known as people pleasers, have a subconscious compulsion to please others as a means of feeling valued, appreciated, and acknowledged. This unconscious drive may be rooted in a troubled childhood where they experienced emotional trauma, abandonment, or neglect. Due to this, people pleasers place the needs and desires of others before their own, and struggle with setting boundaries or denying requests. They may also grapple with anxiety or guilt when they think they've disappointed or upset someone. In the end, people pleasers may have a tenuous sense of self-identity and worth, as they derive validation mainly from external sources. As Dr. Craig Malkin , a clinical psychologist, and Harvard Medical School lecturer, points out, people pleasers tend to prioritize the wants and needs of others over their own.

Some common signs of people pleasers include:

• Difficulty saying no: People pleasers struggle to say no, even if it goes against their own interests or values. This can cause them to feel anxious, guilty, and overwhelmed.
• Approval seeking: People pleasers prioritize others' opinions over their own and seek validation and approval from others.
• Self-sacrificing: People pleasers put others' needs before their own and may prioritize helping others at the expense of their own wellbeing.
• Conflict avoidance: People pleasers will do anything to avoid conflict and may compromise their own needs to maintain peace.
• Overcommitment: People pleasers may take on too many responsibilities, leading to burnout and exhaustion.

Consequences of People Pleasing

People pleasing can result in adverse effects on an individual's mental and emotional well-being. Gabor Mate, a renowned expert on addiction and stress, states that people pleasers often feel ashamed, anxious, and unfulfilled, as they constantly strive to meet others' expectations while ignoring their own needs and desires. Dr. Susan Newman, Ph.D. , a social psychologist and author, further emphasizes the negative impact of people pleasing, stating that it can develop into a pattern that leaves one feeling confined and dissatisfied. ‘’People pleasing can become a habit that makes you feel trapped and unhappy’’.

Some of the consequences of people pleasing include:

• Resentment: People pleasers may develop resentment towards others if they feel that their needs and desires are being ignored.
• Burnout: People pleasers may experience burnout and exhaustion as they struggle to balance their own needs with the demands of others.
• Low self-esteem: People pleasers may develop low self-esteem as they prioritize others' opinions and validation over their own.
• Difficulty forming authentic relationships: People pleasers may struggle to form genuine connections with others, as they tend to suppress their own needs and desires to please others.
• Anxiety and stress: People pleasers may experience anxiety and stress as they struggle to balance their own needs with the demands of others.

Permanently Breaking the Habit of People Pleasing

Breaking the habit of people pleasing is essential for one's mental and emotional wellbeing. Here are some effective ways to permanently break the habit:

• Develop self-awareness: Recognizing the signs of people pleasing is the first step in breaking the habit. Pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours to identify when you are putting others' needs before your own.
• Practice self-care: Prioritizing self-care and setting boundaries can help you develop a stronger sense of self and reduce the urge to people please.
• Challenge negative beliefs: Therapy can help individuals challenge negative beliefs and develop healthier patterns and behaviours. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) and dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) are effective therapy methods for breaking the habit of people pleasing.
• Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness can help individuals stay present and connected to their own needs and desires, reducing the urge to people please.

Breaking the People-Pleasing Habit: Effective Methods to Regain Control

There are several methods that people can use to break the habit of people pleasing. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is a popular form of psychotherapy that focuses on changing negative thought patterns and behaviours. According to Dr. Judith S. Beck, PhD , CBT can help people pleasers learn to recognize their people-pleasing behaviours and beliefs and challenge them. With the help of a therapist, they can also learn to set boundaries and communicate their needs and desires assertively.

Another therapy that can be effective is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which helps people accept their thoughts and feelings without judgment and commit to behaviour changes. ACT can help people pleasers identify their values and set goals that align with those values. They can also learn mindfulness techniques to help them stay present and grounded in the moment, according to Dr. Steven C. Hayes, the creator of ACT.

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) is another therapy that can help people pleasers regulate their emotions and improve their relationships. DBT can teach people pleasers distress tolerance techniques to help them cope with uncomfortable feelings. They can also learn interpersonal effectiveness skills to help them communicate their needs and desires in a healthy way, as noted by Dr. Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT.

In addition to therapy, people pleasers can use neuroplasticity to change their people-pleasing habits. Neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to change and adapt in response to new experiences. According to Dr. Rick Hanson, people pleasers can use neuroplasticity to practice new behaviours and thoughts repeatedly, such as saying no to small requests to build confidence and self-esteem.

Finally, Rapid Transformation Therapy (RTT) is a powerful tool that can help individuals permanently break this habit. According to Marisa Peer, a leading RTT therapist, people pleasing is often rooted in past experiences of rejection or a lack of love and validation. Rapid Transformational Therapy ? can help individuals uncover and address these underlying beliefs and patterns, allowing them to permanently break free from people pleasing. RTT uses a combination of hypnotherapy, cognitive-behavioural therapy, and neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) to help individuals reframe their beliefs and behaviours and develop new, healthy patterns.

In conclusion, breaking the habit of people pleasing requires a combination of therapy methods and neuroplasticity techniques. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), and Rapid Transformation Therapy (RTT) are all effective methods that can help individuals permanently break free from people pleasing. By learning to set boundaries, communicate assertively, and practice new behaviours and thoughts, people pleasers can improve their mental and emotional well-being and live more fulfilling lives.

Breaking through

Are you a people pleaser who feels like they are constantly running on an empty tank of emotional energy? Gabor Mate suggests that people pleasing behaviours are often rooted in past experiences of rejection or a lack of love and validation. But fear not, my friends! Effective therapy methods such as CBT, DBT, RTT, and mindfulness-based therapies can help you break the cycle of people pleasing and develop a stronger sense of self. Prioritizing your own needs and desires may seem selfish, but it is actually the key to building more authentic and fulfilling relationships with others. As Dr. Susan Newman wisely notes, "You can still be kind and giving, but do so on your own terms." So go forth and be kind, my fellow humans, but do it in a way that nourishes your own soul first.

Written by Agnes Kucharska - Serrano

May 10, 2023

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