Breaking the mold

Welcome to Swag-HER!: Your Career, Your Way, a newsletter for professional women and their allies! We’ll explore how to break through the barriers to your success, making space for the career - and life -? you want.

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A couple of weeks ago, as I was walking into Northwestern’s MBA graduation, I was stopped by the woman guarding the door because she didn’t think I looked like I was on the faculty. I didn’t look professorial enough, I guess. The faculty wear robes and caps, so it doesn't really matter what we wear. I was wearing a dress I might wear to brunch. I told the woman that I needed to get into the faculty prep room, but she kept telling me that parents were to go to the arena. She only let me in after my (male) colleague told her that I was a faculty member.

Once I was allowed in, he said, “I think you have your next LinkedIn post.” I smiled.

This poor woman was doing crowd control in a loud, chaotic situation and she went with her instincts. Her frame of reference told her I looked like a mom, not a professor — but I’m both! This was a small hiccup in a joyful day, but it did get me thinking about what happens when we don’t fit the mold of what we’re “supposed” to be.?

Until pretty darn recently, only one group defined the mold for what a professional is. The rest of us—women, people of color, LGBTQ+ people, and other marginalized groups—didn’t fit in. And when that happens, we have a choice: to live authentically or to force ourselves into a mold that wasn’t built for us. While representation in the professional world has come a long way, the mold is much slower to change.?

The workplace chameleon?

In my book, I identify five strategies that can help women succeed… But may also unintentionally sideline us. One of those is Fitting the Mold, our tendency to follow the cultural norms to gain entry and to build familiarity and connection, even when it means stretching too far from who we really are. When we are the minority in a group, it’s easy to feel like we are under a spotlight because of our differences. As outsiders, we become experts at reading the situations surrounding us and adapting in order to adhere to the group norms. We assimilate and learn to speak the language, dress the part, and behave within the boundaries of an organizational culture. We omit the parts of ourselves that don’t fit. This can look like code-switching, masking, or going back in the closet. Being a workplace chameleon gives us great agility to build relationships in a variety of situations and environments, and the payoff is acceptance and a sense of belonging. Our reputation and credibility with the majority grows in the short term.?

It works… Until it doesn’t.?

After a while, our ability to adapt can become perilous. Fitting the mold doesn’t feel good, and it can harm our mental health and wellness. Eventually, most of us will tire of playing by someone else’s rules, and our true self will begin to emerge. And when we become too big for the mold, the organization’s underlying biases often put our careers in peril.?

“Bring your whole self to work”

Organizations have become increasingly aware of this issue, and many have adopted the saying, “bring your whole self to work.” It’s a nice thought. When what’s rewarded, tolerated, and encouraged at work doesn’t change, bringing your whole self to work forces those who aren’t in the majority to make an assessment. Should I stay under the radar and risk the anxiety and doubt of being inauthentic? Should I model the way for others to step into their authenticity, even though it’s risky? Or do I look elsewhere for a place where I can be accepted??

If you can’t imagine that dichotomy, put yourself in the shoes of an imaginary person. It’s Pride Month, so let’s come at it from the point of view of an LGBTQ+ woman. This fictional woman may believe that most people know that love is love, but she can’t be sure. In order to be herself at work, she needs to fully assess the risks. She has the constant weight of navigating all kinds of things. Can she have a picture on her desk of her partner, or will that lead to an awkward conversation? Should she stay quiet when someone makes a derogatory remark? And how should she respond? But the unfortunate truth is that this isn’t fiction. I’m continuously shocked when I learn of the invasive personal questions, even those about one’s sex life, that women receive when someone is surprised to find out that they’re LGBTQ+ (this actually happens on a frequent basis). When you live outside the mold, bringing your whole self to work isn’t as easy as it sounds.?

I don’t believe that most professionals want their team or colleagues to feel that they can’t be themselves. So how can we create an environment that helps everyone to belong and succeed??

Breaking the mold?

If we want to make things better for all people (ourselves included), we have to lead the way and set a positive example for those around us. Here are some ways that leaders can help make their culture a place where everyone feels safe to live authentically.?

• Outwardly acknowledge how good diverse perspectives are for business.?
• Consider how those from underrepresented groups might be affected by pressure to fit in. Are you forcing people to fit a mold, or is the mold expanding or breaking to transform the organization?
• Utilize employee surveys to get a better sense of how your team feels. Do people from marginalized groups feel they belong? That they are respected? That they have a future at your organization? If the answer isn’t a resounding “yes,” you’ve got work to do.
• Avoid putting the weight of diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) initiatives on the shoulders of women and other underrepresented groups. Instead, take steps to educate yourself, share the workload, and encourage real allyship.
• When you see authenticity in action, acknowledge and applaud it! Model the behavior and show others that you not only welcome diversity, you celebrate it.?

The best leaders meet people where they are. They lead the way by respecting all choices, they get past the grammar hurdles of a preferred pronoun. They don’t tolerate inappropriate disrespectful words or actions or subtle signs of bias. They ask, “what does allyship look like for you?” and strive to make a difference personally and in the work culture. We all deserve to bring our whole selves to work, but it’s the job of the organization and its leadership to make sure we’re safe to do so.?

I had so much fun talking with Elizabeth (Ella) Lucas-Averett, M.B.A. on her podcast, ON AIR WITH ELLA Podcast ! We had a great interview, and I think you’ll love listening to it. Check it out here!?

The Mirrored Door: Break Through the Hidden Barrier that Locks Successful Women in Place is now available! Winner of the 2023 NYC Big Book award, it's the perfect gift for the professional woman in your life. Click here to get your copy!?

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