Breaking Free of Trauma Bonds in Relationships

Many people are stuck in destructive relationships through manipulation and a misplaced sense of loyalty.

When romantic partnerships or any kind of relationship becomes characterized by cycles of mistreatment and reconciliation, this can lead to the formation of an unhealthy “trauma bond.” Recognizing these dysfunctional bonds is the first step to breaking free.

What Are Trauma Bonds?

Trauma expert Patrick Carnes explains: “Trauma bonds are emotional bonds linking a victim to someone who is destructive to them. Even when it appears the abusive partner will cause harm, the victim feels bonded to that person.”

You wish to break free but find yourself going back again and again, wishing and hoping that things will get better somehow.

They don’t!

These bonds create an addictive attachment, forming when one partner systematically abuses their power over the other. Through cycles of abuse, rescues or “reinforcement” of the bond during reconciliation, the victim becomes psychologically and chemically dependent.

Signs of Trauma Bonding

According to psychologist Bonnie Badenoch, signs of an unhealthy trauma bond include: “Feeling off balance, unsafe, incomplete or less than whole without the relationship. Holding onto hope the partner will change. Trading self-care for the care of the partner.”

The addictive nature makes the relationship feel essential to survival for the victim, even when rationally they know it is harmful. They can become willing to tolerate mistreatment in exchange for periodic affection or “good” times.

Let us explore trauma bonds some more:

The Cycle of Abuse At the root of trauma bonding is the cycle of abuse — periods of mistreatment followed by apologies or affection from the abusive partner. Psychologist Lenore Walker describes how this rollercoaster reinforces traumatic attachment. The victim is “rewarded” during the honeymoon phase with reconciliation gestures, gifts or positive change. This gives hope the partner will change and the abuse will end, strengthening emotional dependence.

Eroding Self-Worth Abusive partners often systematically erode the victim’s self-esteem over time through criticism, control and gaslighting. According to counsellor Beverly Engel, “Victims become conditioned to believe they cannot survive without their partners. Their self-worth becomes entangled with pleasing the abuser.” Breaking trauma bonds requires rebuilding a sense of self-worth apart from the relationship.

Addiction-Like Behavior Brain scans reveal trauma bonds create chemical dependency pathways mirroring addiction. The abuse activates bonding neurotransmitters like oxytocin and dopamine. Counsellor Patrick Carnes notes how victims exhibit addiction behaviours: “Lying to cover up abuse, isolation, obsessive thinking about the partner, returning after leaving.” Understanding it as addiction helps victims utilize similar tools like ‘no contact’ and ‘peer support’.

Psychological Captivity Bessel van der Kolk likens trauma bonding to hostage bonding — adaptive behaviour to survive danger. He explains, “The victim becomes captive psychologically even without physical cages.” Establishing physical and emotional safety helps escape this captivity. Protective measures may include moving away, alarm systems, or restraining orders.

Removing all access is essential to weaken trauma bonds over time.

Refocusing on Your Needs Trauma bonds teach you to ignore your needs for the abuser’s. Counsellor Meara Quinn notes, “Victims must practice recentering on their own wellbeing — and be willing to go to extremes to enact it.” Make a needs list daily. Engage only in relationships where your needs matter. Practice observing when you slip back into the old habit of neglecting yourself for others.

Healing takes patience, courage and support. Freedom ensues when you keep growing that unbreakable bond with yourself.

Here are a few tips on Breaking Trauma Bonds for good!

1. Seek Outside Support

Working with a professional counsellor or support group helps provide clarity and strength for leaving abusive relationships. Psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk emphasizes: “Trauma bonds can be extremely hard to break without strong external support.” Your mind keeps you captive and external support will help you stay focused through the cycle of abuse.

2. Block Contact

Complete separation is often vital. Addiction counsellor John Smith advises: “Like any addiction, blocking access to the source — the abusive partner –is key. Out of sight, out of mind, over time helps sever the trauma bond.” Avoiding in-person meetings, texts, calls or social media prevents manipulation. The key here is Total, Absolute, Complete!

3. Be Kind to Yourself

Trauma bonds teach you that mistreatment is acceptable love. As you detox from the relationship, be patient and nurture yourself. Affirm daily that you deserve safe, healthy love. Keep the focus on healing your wounds. With time away, trauma bonds begin dissolving as clarity and self-care strengthen.

The trauma-bonded mind takes time to reset and let go. Each act of courage and compassion towards yourself, big and small loosens the grip of abuse. By reaching out for support, blocking contact and showing self-kindness, you can finally break free.

You deserve to be bonded to someone who truly loves you — yourself!

As a mindfulness and NLP practitioner and life-design coach, I help clients focus on well-being and personal growth and make life choices that prioritize their mental and emotional health. I work with them to resolve confidence issues and Imposter Syndrome. This leads to personal freedom and independence allowing the person to blossom and manifest the life they deserve. If you’re looking to expand your horizons and/or overcome issues, connect with me.