Breaking Free: Recognising and Escaping Emotional Blackmail and Moral Kidnapping

My previous company on paper, it was a great workplace: a solid product, wonderful clients, good compensation, hybrid work, and some amazing colleagues.

But things took a turn when my reporting line changed. It wasn’t immediate—I didn’t leave in a blaze of frustration. Instead, it took months of reflection after my resignation to recognise that I had been a victim of moral kidnapping.

When Hard Work Isn’t Enough

For months, I poured everything into my work. I managed two of the biggest clients in the region and still felt like my efforts were minimized. The more I gave, the more was demanded of me. What I experienced wasn’t just a tough work environment—it was manipulation.

Here’s how it played out:

• Micromanagement through Doubt: I once took an emergency afternoon leave (non-medical) but still worked remotely to stay on top of things. Later, I was told not to do it again because it might make me appear less “stable” as an Account Manager.
• Endless Proof of Worth: I was repeatedly asked to “prove myself” by taking on extra tasks and responsibilities.
• Moving the Goalposts: My accomplishments were dismissed as insufficient. When I asked about promotions, I was told to deliver more “highlights,” but the bar for what counted as a “highlight” kept shifting.
• Manipulating My Generosity: I was encouraged to help others, even when I was overloaded, only to have this used against me later as evidence that I wasn’t fully devoted. The exact words were: “I only asked because I believed you could do better.”

Sound familiar? If you’ve spotted the red flags, good for you. I wish I had recognised them sooner.

The Subtle Damage

Emotional blackmail and moral kidnapping are not about solving problems or creating better outcomes. They’re about control. The communication felt wrong, no matter how hard I tried to “fix” it. Over time, I began losing self-respect, questioning my abilities, and feeling trapped.

The realisation came slowly: I could either stay in a system where I was manipulated—or I could walk away.

Why It Matters to Share This

I’ve always been a direct person. My natural approach to challenges is to analyse, solve, and move forward. But emotional manipulation isn’t logical—it’s insidious.

The tricky part is that people who use these tactics may not even realise what they’re doing. They often frame their behaviour as caring or justified:

• “I’m pushing you to be better.”
• “I’m just trying to help.”
• “This is what’s right.”

By sharing my experience, I hope to help others recognise the signs of emotional blackmail and moral kidnapping—whether you’re on the receiving end or inadvertently engaging in it.

If You Find Yourself in a Similar Situation

Here’s what I wish I’d done sooner:

• Trust Your Gut: If something feels off, it probably is.
• Set Boundaries: Clearly define what you will and won’t tolerate.
• Seek External Perspective: Talk to someone outside the situation who can provide clarity.
• Recognise the Game: Understand that you can’t win a game designed to manipulate you. Sometimes, the only winning move is to walk away.

Leaving my job was one of the hardest decisions I’ve made, but it was also one of the most empowering. If sharing my vulnerable side can help even one person break free from manipulation—either as a victim or as someone who perpetuates it unknowingly—then it’s worth it.

Have you experienced something similar? Let’s start a conversation. The more we talk about these issues, the better equipped we are to handle them.

Walking away isn’t weakness—it’s reclaiming your power.