D-6 Breaking Free: Liberating Yourself from Others' Measures

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The weight of others’ expectations has always felt like an invisible chain, one that tightens the moment I start to step outside the boundaries they’ve drawn for me. Christmas, a time for joy and reflection, is also a time when I’m reminded of the countless ways I have been measured, judged, and found wanting by someone else’s standard—someone who never paused to ask what truly mattered to me.

It all came to a head with one particular client, someone who engaged me with promises of partnership and trust, paying generously, but at what cost to my spirit? His criticisms came quickly, like arrows aimed not at my work but at my essence. “You should use consultant-style slides when teaching,” he said. Consultant slides? I wasn’t selling ideas—I was teaching frameworks, illuminating paths, and helping his employees see possibilities within themselves. Years ago, I had been a consultant for Schlumberger Business Consulting for a short stint; I knew what those slides looked like, and I knew they had no place in the classroom. Yet, his words lingered like a shadow over my efforts.

Research indicates that an over-reliance on external validation can lead to increased stress, anger, and relationship conflicts, as individuals' self-worth becomes contingent on others' approval (Crocker, 2002). This resonates deeply with my experience—each critique from him felt less like constructive feedback and more like an attempt to tether my worth to his ever-changing expectations.

Then came the books. “Why haven’t you written a book like so-and-so?” he asked, as though my voice and my ideas needed validation through mimicry. Years later, I presented him with one of my books—a work that had been launched at MIT, a pinnacle of intellectual achievement. His response? Another dismissal. “Why don’t you write like Kyai so-and-so? He’s so popular. You should make a YouTube channel.” It wasn’t enough to have written; it had to be written in the style he approved, for an audience he deemed worthy. The audacity of it all left me breathless, but I smiled through it, refusing to let his words tarnish what I knew was a milestone.

Consistent exposure to invalidation and criticism has been linked to heightened negative emotions and decreased self-esteem. A study by Shenk and Fruzzetti (2011) found that invalidation can exacerbate emotional dysregulation, leading to a cycle of self-criticism and diminished self-worth. Reflecting on this, I see how his unrelenting critiques could have drawn me into such a cycle, but instead, they fortified my resolve to define my value on my own terms.

The introductions I made for him to VIPs, connections cultivated through years of trust and respect, were met with more critiques. “Why don’t you work for them? Why don’t you become their advisor? You could earn more.” His words stung, not because they were true but because they were so profoundly blind to what drives me. Did he think I measured my success by the size of my paycheck or the title beside my name? His questions weren’t curiosity; they were judgments masquerading as advice. That day, I told him, “I don’t need recognition from the government. I don’t live for acknowledgment.”

But the critiques never ended. They poured out of him like a flood, relentless and exhausting. It was as though his own discontent with life found its outlet in tearing down others.

And yet, what stood out most wasn’t his criticism but the emptiness behind it. This was a man who never finished what he started, whose personal ventures bled money even as his family business thrived. He liked to stand among important names, basking in their reflected glory, but had never pursued higher education or deepened his knowledge. His wealth, his philanthropy—they bought him an audience, not substance. The irony of his judgments struck me like lightning: how could someone so hollow presume to tell me how to fill my life?        

Developing an internal sense of self-worth can mitigate the adverse effects of external criticism and reduce the dependency on others' approval for personal validation. By cultivating this self-compassion, as studies suggest, individuals can navigate professional and personal challenges with greater resilience (Shenk & Fruzzetti, 2011). This understanding allowed me to confront the deeper question: Why do we let others’ measures define us? Why do their judgments pierce us when we know they’re rooted in their own insecurities?

This Christmas, I’m letting go of those chains. I refuse to carry the burden of someone else’s discontent. I will not let their narrow vision confine the expansive, winding path I’ve chosen. My life is not a consultant slide deck, nor a popular YouTube channel. It is a tapestry of moments, achievements, failures, and quiet joys—woven not for an audience but for myself.

If this resonates with anyone reading, let this Christmas be the moment you set yourself free. Free from the voices that demand you fit into their molds. Free from the need for validation from those who will never see your worth. Free to be unapologetically yourself, measured not by what you do for others but by the peace and purpose you find within. That is my Christmas gift to myself this year: freedom.

And to the man who taught me this lesson, though unintentionally, I offer no bitterness. I hope one day he, too, will stop measuring himself by the yardsticks of wealth, power, and recognition. Perhaps he’ll find that the only measure worth living by is the depth of one’s own contentment. Until then, I walk my path, unshackled and unafraid.

REFERENCES:

• Crocker, J. (2002). The costs of seeking self-esteem. Psychological Inquiry, 13(4), 269–285. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327965PLI1304_01
• Shenk, C., & Fruzzetti, A. (2011). The impact of invalidation on emotional responses. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 2(1), 1–10. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40479-011-0002-3