Breaking Free from the Defensive Mindset
Breaking Free from the Defensive Mindset
Does your life sometimes seem like a constant struggle? That you have to fight for everything you want? Do you ever feel that you’re engaged in some subtle form of daily combat? That you have to protect yourself at all times? Do you find it hard to lower your guard and relax because it just isn’t possible to switch off your defences for a single second? Don’t worry. You’re not alone.
When you observe people’s posture and notice their expressions, it seems that almost everyone’s locked into a defensive mindset. It’s partly a result of our high-stress culture but it’s also a product of life’s uncertainties. Let’s face it – life can be confusing, stressful and uncertain. Sometimes, it’s hard to understand what’s going on in the world. Many of the things we see on the news just don’t make sense. The old patterns of reliable, predictable behaviour seem to have evaporated. What remains is a confusing and conflicting set of data points that shift and change by the minute. So, yes, it’s true – life is uncertain. And uncertainty tends to make us feel insecure about almost everything. The instinctive antidote to insecurity, of course, is to adopt defensive behaviours and attitude.
When you show deep empathy toward others, their defensive energy goes down, and positive energy replaces it. That's when you can get more creative in solving problems.
-??????Stephen Covey
There are plenty of negative consequences to consider when we lapse into defensive mode. One of the more obvious consequences is that it becomes increasingly difficult to trust the people around us. And that degrades the quality of our communication. Then our perception shifts its focus to scan for potentially harmful behaviours. Can you guess what happens next? That’s right. The more we search for potential danger, the more we’re bound to notice potentially hostile gestures – whilst ignoring all the positive, supportive and helpful gestures that are still flowing around us.
This defensive posture is the psychological equivalent of digging a moat around ourselves. It becomes an automatic way to isolate ourselves from any potential harm danger or disappointment. The unfortunate aspect of this habit is that it quickly becomes our default position for all relationships. We don’t feel comfortable enough to extend trust towards anyone. This is not the healthiest way to experience life’s rich potential. We are social creatures that thrive in supportive relationships. When we open our hearts to others, of course we will always be vulnerable to the risk of disappointment. There is, of course, a major difference between being open to others and blindly trusting everyone we meet. The unexpected advantage of being open to others is that it can help us to distinguish between sincere words and actions and attempts to manipulate us. Openness encourages openness.
In the name of "force protection," the military often rolls up windows, builds walls, and points rifles at the outside world. The best force protection, however, is to be surrounded by friends and allies.
― Eric Greitens
We flourish in the warmth and support of people who care about us. But we need to be open to the love, care and support that others are so willing to offer. The defensive mindset separates us from others and builds barricades of rejection that discourage people from getting too close. One of the simplest ways to connect with others is to ask for their help. It’s a fundamental part of our nature that we love to help each other. It’s the same principle that characterises human relationships across the world. We can observe it in action when we consider two Amazonian fishermen who net similar fish yet who insist on sharing each other’s catch in order to reinforce their social bonds and inter-dependence.
The ego with its protective defense mechanisms is the biggest impediment to attaining spiritual growth.
― Kilroy J. Oldster
The unexpected antidote to a defensive mindset, however, is to learn to feel comfortable with ourselves. When we live our lives in a state of fear and anxiety, we project our negative views onto the world around us. That’s why everything appears to be threatening. But when we learn to cultivate a state of inner calm and feel more at ease with ourselves, we project that sense of peace and acceptance into the surrounding environment. People appear to be friendlier and more relaxed because that’s the message you’re broadcasting with your language, your gestures and your behaviour.
Fear is a very powerful force but it exists solely because we fuel it with our emotional energy. It cannot survive without our constant input. Turn off the fuel source and fear disappears in an instant. Open your heart to the help, support and friendship of others and fear has nothing to feed on. It switches off in a heartbeat.
Those who do not move, do not notice their chains.
― Rosa Luxemburg
We live in a world that is more profoundly connected than ever before but the essential dynamics of human interaction haven’t changed in countless thousands of years. Why live a life that is deliberately impoverished by the boundaries we set up to keep people away? Life will always be richer and more fulfilling when we remove the barriers and defensive behaviours and learn to flourish in mutually-supportive and co-operative relationships.
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To get greater than 100% return on any growth step, give up defensiveness. Defensiveness stifles performance and destroys relationships.
-??????Henry Cloud
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Greg Parry created The Wellness Foundation and the Cognitive Empowerment Programs specifically to help people master their stress, overcome their limitations and explore the power of their true potential.
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