Breaking the Cycle

Have you ever felt like you have everything in life but something was missing?

This is my story of how and most importantly why, I decided to go sober.

Growing up alcohol has always been celebrated and glorified by people around me and drug use was in my eyes just a way of escaping the stress of life.

I first want to express that I am not against alcohol and know that in moderation it can be fine, but in my case, I didn't realise quite how much it was holding me back.

I started drinking around 13/14 years old with the typical Strongbow cider and vodka at the park. There were times when I did not have the money to buy alcohol and this would then lead to me stealing it from wherever I could, home/shops and even selling things to buy it.

This seemed like normal behaviour to me as I had witnessed this growing up and I lacked morals. My behaviour became erratic in my late teens and I was dabbling in drug use to the point where I was kicked out of the family home for trying to steal my step-dad's car when under the influence and breaking the window in the process.

I spent some time on the streets and sofa surfing around friends and always felt embarrassed about my situation, why was I behaving like this?

For a good few months, I was off the rails and sold all of my possessions to buy ecstasy and party. Why would I do this? I now understand that I was self-sabotaging.

Why was I self-sabotaging?

It could be any number of reasons but I believe it was Childhood experiences, past traumas, upbringing, and negative experiences that shaped my tendencies. I internalised negative beliefs about myself.

Over time, self-sabotaging behaviours can become ingrained habits that are challenging to break, even if the original reasons for engaging in them are no longer relevant.

I continued to live my life like this and could never let go of the self-sabotaging, I would of course wrap it up by saying I am having fun partying. The truth is I wanted to be out of my own head and alcohol and drugs helped me do that.

I had no limit and although I had settled down and had my firstborn son I could not let go of the child in me wanting to party and would always look for instant gratification.

I believe this was the reason for the relationship I was in and had to deal with the pain of not being with my son and everything else that comes from a long-term relationship breakup.

I was hitting the partying more than ever with freedom but what happened next was the moment that changed everything for me.

In 2011 after a day of drinking, I decided to drive to an event and ended up losing control and crashing into a ditch. Thankfully no one else was involved but I was ashamed and scared of what was going to happen.

Losing my license for a year and all of the inconvenience caused to myself and others needing transport and my ex bringing my son to me was a small price to pay and I could have paid with my life and left my son fatherless.

The only way I could deal with this shame was to self-sabotage even more, I ended up getting a council flat and would spend the nights partying and the days crying about how I missed my son and how life was not fair.

The victim mask was a mask I wore well because I internalised the beliefs of me being a loser, and would never make anything of my life.

Rock bottom

What goes up must come down and the time spent alone and the drugs were having a big impact on my mental health and I tried to take my life. Something stopped me and spoke to me that I needed to do better and my son deserved better.

I started to look for a job and as I had been on benefits for a long time and knew that I would never get myself out of the hole I was in. I worked for agencies in warehouses picking and packing and doing labour work and eventually got back into technical support work that I had previously been doing.

In 2015 I was starting to get back on my feet but still stuck in the same habit routine of working Monday to Friday and partying at the weekend when I didn't have my son.

Fresh start

Another relationship had broken down because I was still self-sabotaging and feeling lost. I still had confused thoughts in my head whilst feeling suicidal but didn't tell anyone. I didn't know how to speak out.

I put all my belongings in a black bag again and moved away from my hometown and environment. I was determined to try and find myself and do better.

I had been going to the gym for a couple of years at this point but not seriously because I was still ruining my progress during the week by drinking all weekend. Even after meeting my now wife and having our daughter I still felt feelings of being lost and having something missing in life. should I just accept these feelings?

As I write this I am 390 days sober from all vices.

My marriage is better than ever

I am 38 and have a metabolic age of 25

Senior management in my career

Running my own business to channel my pain and help others

It is not a coincidence.

Whilst I continue to learn about myself and try to make a positive impact on the world I can use my failure and pain to help others.

I am learning to be a better more present father and am determined to break the cycle.

P.S. This is the first time I have written anything like this and hope it can help someone understand they are not alone. I am always open to support or speak to people.