Breaking the Cycle: 15 Behaviors That Build Connections and Transform Communities Based on the Safe & Together Model

This article outlines 15 key behaviors that foster healthy relationships, both in personal life and professional & Institutional practice, particularly in the context of addressing domestic abuse and those with patterns of violence, abuse, abuse of power & coercion, using the Safe & Together Model. It highlights the need for institutional accountability and transparency, especially when dealing with personnel issues of abuse or coercion. There's a focus on long-term sustainability and integrity of institutions/systems, rather than short-term liability reduction.

1. Open and respectful communication

- Personal: Practice active listening and honest, kind expression.

- Professional: Model active listening with all family members, including those who use violence. Engage perpetrators as parents, encouraging dialogue about their behaviors and impacts. Use a non-judgmental tone while maintaining clear boundaries. Document conversations accurately, avoiding language that could be manipulated against survivors. Be aware that perpetrators may attempt to use your words out of context, so maintain professionalism at all times.

- Additional: Focus on using language that avoids victim-blaming and keeps the perpetrator's behaviors as the central issue. Practice "pivoting to the perpetrator" in conversations to maintain accountability.

2. Validating others' experiences

- Personal: Acknowledge others' feelings and perspectives, even when different from your own.

- Professional: Partner with survivors, validating their experiences and protective efforts. Assess practices and policies to create support for partnering. Recognize that survivors' experiences may be complex and contradictory due to the nature of coercive control. Consider how systemic biases might influence perceptions of survivor behavior. Be prepared to explain and defend your validation of survivors' experiences to other professionals who may not understand the dynamics of domestic abuse.

- Additional: Utilize the Multiple Pathways to Harm framework to comprehensively validate the full spectrum of survivors' experiences and protective efforts, including day-to-day parenting in the context of abuse.

3. Taking responsibility for actions

- Personal: Own mistakes, apologize sincerely, and work to change problematic behaviors.

- Professional: Hold perpetrators accountable for their behavior choices and impacts on family functioning. Focus on institutional accountability rather than liability reduction. Regularly review and update policies to ensure they don't inadvertently enable perpetrator manipulation. If institutional practices have caused harm, acknowledge this openly and work towards rectification. This transparency can help rebuild trust with survivors who may have been let down by systems in the past.

- Additional: Implement the Safe & Together Model's perpetrator pattern-based approach to clearly document and communicate the perpetrator's responsibility for harm to children, partner, and family functioning.

4. Respecting boundaries

- Personal: Honor others' personal limits and right to make choices.

- Professional: Respect survivors' autonomy and decisions. Handle disclosures of institutional harm with respect and transparency. This includes respecting confidentiality and information sharing protocols. Be aware that perpetrators may attempt to manipulate these boundaries to gain information or control. Develop clear guidelines for inter-agency communication that protect survivors' privacy while allowing for necessary collaboration.

- Additional: Be mindful of post-separation coercive control tactics and how they may impact survivors' choices and boundaries. Advocate for trauma-informed, domestic violence-informed practices across systems to better respect survivors' boundaries.

5. Practicing empathy

- Personal: Try to understand situations from others' perspectives and respond compassionately.

- Professional: Approach perpetrators and institutional change with empathy while maintaining accountability. Balance empathy with critical thinking and fact-checking, especially when dealing with conflicting accounts of events. Be aware of the potential for perpetrators to exploit empathy by presenting as victims or using emotional manipulation to gain sympathy.

- Additional: Use the Safe & Together Model's emphasis on understanding coercive control patterns to develop informed empathy that doesn't compromise accountability or survivor safety.

6. Supporting autonomy

- Personal: Encourage loved ones to pursue their interests and develop as individuals.

- Professional: Support survivors' agency and decision-making within the family. Empower survivors by involving them in decision-making processes about their cases. Be prepared to advocate for this approach with colleagues or in court settings where traditional practices might overlook survivor agency. Document survivors' preferences and the reasoning behind decisions that support their autonomy.

- Additional: Advocate for systems and policies that support survivor autonomy, such as economic empowerment programs or flexible safety planning approaches that respect survivors' choices.

7. Sharing power and decision-making

- Personal: Approach choices as a team, valuing others' input and compromising.

- Professional: Involve survivors in case planning and decision-making. Create opportunities for survivor input in policy development or program design. Be mindful of power dynamics within professional teams as well, ensuring diverse voices are heard and respected. Prioritize the lived experience & perspective of those who are most impacted by the policies of that Institution or system in reforming your policies & practices.

- Additional: Implement the Safe & Together Model's partnering approach with survivors, recognizing them as experts in their own experiences and essential allies in child safety planning.

8. Expressing appreciation

- Personal: Regularly acknowledge others' efforts, strengths and positive qualities.

- Professional: Identify, document and affirm survivors' protective efforts,and parenting strengths given their perpetrator's pattern of behavior. Acknowledge the challenge ,and vicarious trauma faced by colleagues working in this field. Create a culture of appreciation within your organization to counteract burnout and compassion fatigue. Do not allow vicarious trauma or compassion fatigue to be the place from which your professionals approach families, victims or perpetrators. Support your workers appropriately. Provide adequate family leave, sick leave, mental health leave training & tools for support.

- Additional: Use the Model's focus on documenting survivors' full spectrum of protective efforts to provide concrete, specific appreciation for their parenting and safety work.

9. Prioritizing emotional and physical safety

- Personal: Make choices that protect others from harm and create security.

- Professional: Center the safety needs of survivors and children in all interventions. Develop comprehensive safety planning that considers the various ways perpetrators might manipulate systems based on the information you gather via Partnering with survivors. This includes digital evidence gathering & safety, financial security safety planning, court & law enforcement safety planning and strategies to counter potential false allegations towards professionals & targeting & bullying of systems, or misuse of court processes based on that perpetrato'rs pattern.

- Additional: Utilize the Safe & Together Model's Multiple Pathways to Harm framework to develop holistic safety plans that address all aspects of family functioning impacted by the perpetrator's behaviors.

10. Managing emotions in healthy ways

- Personal: Learn to cope with difficult feelings without lashing out.

- Professional: Model emotional regulation and provide resources for families. Provide training and support for staff in emotional regulation and self-care. Recognize that working with domestic abuse cases can be emotionally taxing and may trigger personal experiences. Implement regular debriefing and supervision sessions to support staff wellbeing. Create institutional policies for workers who come into daily contact with those who use violence,or coercion or are incapable of modulating their behaviors. Create staff safety plans, training & behavioral drills to solidify safety plans & strategies.

- Additional: Be aware of how perpetrators may use emotional manipulation tactics and help survivors and children develop healthy emotional coping strategies in the face of abuse.

11. Fostering trust and honesty

- Personal: Be reliable, keep commitments, and maintain transparency.

- Professional: Build trust through transparency, confidentiality, and following through on commitments. Develop protocols for honest and transparent inter-agency communication to prevent perpetrators from exploiting gaps or inconsistencies between services.

- Additional: Use the Model's focus on clear documentation and communication to build trust with survivors and between agencies, creating a unified approach to addressing domestic violence.

12. Showing affection appropriately

- Personal: Express care in ways that make others feel valued and respected.

- Professional: Demonstrate genuine concern while maintaining professional boundaries. Be aware that perpetrators may attempt to blur these boundaries or manipulate caring gestures. Document all interactions clearly to protect both clients and professionals.

- Additional: Recognize and validate the ways survivors show affection and care for their children in the context of domestic violence, often through protective efforts that may not be immediately obvious.

13. Supporting each other's growth

- Personal: Encourage personal development and celebrate successes.

- Professional: Support positive changes in all family members' behaviors and growth. Encourage ongoing professional development and learning about domestic abuse dynamics. Stay updated on the latest research and best practices. Foster a culture of continuous improvement within your organization and professional networks.

- Additional: Advocate for perpetrator intervention programs that focus on meaningful behavior change and reparative actions towards children and partners, in line with the Safe & Together Model's approach.

14. Practicing forgiveness

- Personal: Work through conflicts when genuine efforts at change are made.

- Professional: Support healing when authentic change occurs, without excusing past abuse. In professional settings, this might involve supporting rehabilitation programs for perpetrators who show genuine commitment to change. However, maintain a critical perspective and prioritize survivor safety. Be prepared to explain the complexities of this approach to colleagues or stakeholders who might see it as "going soft" on abusers.

- Additional: Use the Model's behavioral focus to clearly define what constitutes meaningful change in perpetrator behavior, setting clear benchmarks for accountability and potential reconciliation processes.

15. Maintaining a sense of humor

- Personal: Use appropriate humor to diffuse tension and keep connections positive.

- Professional: Use light moments to build rapport while maintaining respect and professionalism. Recognize the value of appropriate humor in building rapport and managing stress. However, be mindful that humor can be misused or misinterpreted, especially in sensitive situations. Develop guidelines for appropriate use of humor in professional settings.

- Additional: Be aware of how perpetrators may use humor as a tactic of minimization or manipulation. Help survivors and children reclaim positive experiences and joy as part of healing from abuse.

Additional Comments:

- This article emphasizes the importance of applying these behaviors both personally and professionally, with a deeper focus on the complexities in professional settings dealing with domestic abuse.

- It highlights the need for institutional accountability and transparency, especially when dealing with internal issues of abuse or coercion.

- The Safe & Together Model is presented as a framework for professionals to embody and encourage these positive dynamics while being aware of potential perpetrator manipulation tactics.

- There's a focus on long-term sustainability and integrity of institutions, rather than short-term liability reduction.

- The article stresses the importance to sustainability, efficiency, & integrity of institutions & systems of centering the needs of survivors and end-users, rather than prioritizing system needs or liability concerns.

- It acknowledges the challenges of change but emphasizes the profound impact of consistently striving to name, support & professionally & personally embody these positive behaviors.

- The expanded professional points highlight the need for a nuanced, informed approach that recognizes the potential for perpetrator manipulation while still striving to embody positive, supportive behaviors.

By integrating these behaviors into personal relationships and professional practices, we can create environments that naturally resist abuse and violence, contributing to safer families and stronger communities. The key is to maintain a balance between information, empathy and critical thinking, always prioritizing the safety and autonomy of survivors while working towards systemic change.