Breaking Bones

If you’ve ever raised children or were a child once you remember trying to referee or participating in a verbal tennis match that most childish arguments tend to become. You know, “my dad can beat up your dad” conversations. The ones where we simply volley one opposing comment back and forth at each other, harder and louder each time in hopes the opponent will just give in. The louder we say what we have to say, the more hopeful we become that we just hit the winning shot. So dumb. 

Unfortunately, these are not limited to children. What I’ve found is that they happen with adults more often than children. You see, children still have a curiosity about them to try to learn (sans teenage years), but adults tend to have become so sure about their own thinking, it’s hard for them to accept they may not be right. We all initially believe our thinking is correct, or it wouldn’t be our thinking! But you can’t believe everything you think. 

I see this play out at work all the time where people simply try to convince each other they are correct, and while it may not manifest itself in yelling nonsense back and forth, it’s still just as childish and unproductive. That’s why we have a saying at Churchill: “Seek to understand, not to be right.” It’s in the understanding that leads to the best that CAN be done, not the best that we know-how. It’s in the understanding that relationships are built, ideas are improved upon, and progress can be made together. 

No better example of how not to do this than our most recent Presidential debate (check your political opinion here please). That type of verbal warfare left nobody better off and brought no real clarity or progress to the important issues. It’s sad how often that plays out in everyday life, work, and families. 

I read this morning Proverbs 25:15 - “patience can persuade a prince, and soft speech can break bones”. 

If you want to make progress or affect real change, seek to understand, not to be right. Be patient, if you listen instead of preparing your return, you may learn something, and the right words may come to you; then pause, give silence an opportunity to allow words to sink in, take a deep breath, slow down your speech and then say what needs to be said, not what you want to say. The more heated things get, the slower and softer you should become. Most debates could be won simply by asking questions and saying very little. 

Patience can persuade a prince, and soft speech can break bones. Seek not to be right today, but to understand, think, and grow.