Is it a breakdown or a breakthrough?

This may be too much for some, but it's real. It's hard facing a breakdown, but it's required for growth. The other side... is beautiful.

I struggled with this for so long...

I blamed it on others... they didn't "earn" my trust. Looking for any thing or any reason to not give them the benefit of the doubt.

I blamed it on me... I didn't earn their trust. I messed up, I was late, I missed this, I didn't show up the way I needed to.

I blamed it on things or circumstances... how can I create what I want when I am so deep in debt and so behind on everything? How can I pull out when things are crashing in around me?

You get it... the list goes on...

So I broke down... WHAT DO I DO???????

I resisted looking... I resisted taking inventory. I fought it for weeks (really for years). Came up to it, resisted it and backed down.

Massive breakdowns = Massive breakthroughs. Happens like clockwork :)

But this time, I couldn't hide. I was DONE! Like, throw in the towel, go get a day job, find a way to make ends meet type job... done.

What do I have to loose? I'll take a look, I'll listen now.

I sat there... looking at everything... 

I'm 32 years old, living with friends, not able to pay rent. I have a husband, a 1st grade daughter and a dog. I am 1 week away from moving in with my parents... I'm worse off than I was a year and a half ago. WHAT am I doing this for? Is it really worth it?

I love my clients, but can't seem to connect and compel the next client to take action on reaching their next goal. 

My clients are stepping up and making things happen they had only dreamed of before working with us... but it's not good enough... I'm stuck. Why are they doing it and I'm not. What is wrong with me?

My daughter is breakdown crying at night because she misses her daddy who works 2nd shift, because it pays more... get your shit together Becca so he can move to days to be with us at night. 

People continue to ask... what do you do... and you can't answer it clearly, though you help others create that clarity and it's effortless. Why can't you? Get your shit together.

People are interested but don't start right away and then back off. They say yes then back-out. What's wrong with you!!!

Trust. Who do I not trust? What do I not trust?

I trust the system... it's working for others and when I follow it, it's effortless. So it must be me.

I trust the my mentor, and my team, they always come through no matter what. So it must be me.

I trust my clients and the work they are doing, and they continue to improve. So it must be me.

I trust God that he provides exactly what I ask for... if I am listening. Too many experiences that cannot be explained have happened to doubt Him. So it must be me.

Ok... so it's me, I want to trust myself... but how do I do that?

Then I saw it.

When was the last time you asked for help? What was it that you asked for?

Wow... Courage and Clarity. The two things I have been asking for are right here, right now.

Then I was asked... why not ask for what you truly want? What if, the only thing missing, is allowing the flow. What if, the only thing in the way is trying to force things to happen?

Ok.

That was a breakthrough, peace beyond understanding, calm and clarity moment for me.

How do I trust myself? Ask for what I want clearly, be thankful and grateful for all that has happened and experience the next moment.

I wake up confident now, knowing exactly what to ask for and that it will come. That to trust myself is really to trust beyond me. That these moments are not bad, they actually are good, and provide a profound clarity.

I have a steady flow of new and extremely powerful clients now. They inspire me to continue to grow. I experience new things everyday that challenge me to step up to the plate with confidence and I know I will figure it out.

Though every breakdown feels like a layer of skin is being peeled off and my whole world is about to crumble.... I wouldn't have it any other way. That old world that kept me trapped for so long... let it crumble. Let's build something new. That old skin that kept me shy, timid and afraid... peel it off and let new skin shine through.

There is beauty in the pain. The pain only lasts as long as you resist it. On the other side, it's refreshing, comforting and beautiful.

--Special Thank You to Bryan, Mentor, Creator of BD Growth Partners & business partner, for never allowing me to back down. For providing so much care during those breakdowns and to provide a space that we all can trust enough to face it, deal with it and put it down to move on to bigger and better things. That, is invaluable. No price tag is enough for that level of care. Thank you.