The day I started rehearsals for the first professional production I directed, I was certain - absolutely certain - they would all see this young woman, recently out of college, and think, “Clearly she knows nothing. Who is she to take up space in this room? Who is she to lead us?”?
So I brought books. And I don’t mean a few paperbacks to reference here and there. I mean stacks and stacks of thick, scholarly tomes (filled with brightly colored post-its sticking out so you could see that I’d actually read them). I set them up on the table on either side of where I’d be sitting. It was a visual threat to anyone who dared to question my authority.
“Oh you think I’m an imposter? Well these BOOKS don’t think I’m an imposter! So there!”?
As the actors funneled in, I kept a particular eye on the one of them who had questioned me during the audition process (ask me another time why I cast him anyway… sigh). He’d taken a look at me - young, female - and asked to see my resume. As if my being in the room in that “leadership seat” was not enough. Having been hired by a producer to do this job was not enough. I needed to prove my pedigree by pointing at the name of my fancy school and all the places I’d worked already.
What’s so sad is that before that experience, I really didn’t question my worthiness or my ability. I did believe I was good enough to lead these rooms. But something about being questioned not for my skill and what I had shown of my work, but for the fact of my actual existence and things about myself I could not change made me wonder… am I faking this? Am I an imposter?
SPOILER ALERT: I wasn’t and I’m still not.??
Through the years, as I learned more about myself and coached many folks who’ve struggled with this, I developed a 3 point system for how to break up with imposter syndrome.?
- Dig Deep. First, identify where the issue is coming from and where it lives in your body. Spend some time looking at your imposter syndrome from all angles. Really get in there: is it coming from a past experience, language you’ve heard or images you’ve seen??Or is it a feeling? What is that feeling exactly and where does it live in your body? Is it a racing heart, nauseous stomach, tingling in your extremities? Only once you know exactly what “imposter syndrome” is for you - in as much specificity as possible - can you start to address it and break it down.
- Get Personal. When you speak, share personal stories and emotional connections to the work. Often, imposter syndrome comes up when we are worried we don’t “know enough.” It’s like we’re trying to defend a Master’s thesis every time we open our mouths.But when we share a personal story, no one can debate us on the facts. This is a thing that happened to you. When we talk about an emotional connection to the work we’re presenting, people simply accept what we’re saying as true for us and therefore valid.
- Speak and Speak Again. These days, when I start rehearsals for a production I’m directing, I have exactly one book on the table with me: the script. I no longer feel like I need to prove that I’m allowed to take up space or that I know my stuff. It’s actually the opposite: I know for certain I’m in the right place and I don’t think anyone is questioning that.? But this didn’t happen overnight. It happened because I just kept doing the work. Over and over. And over. Aaaaand over. Through repetition and practice, I burned out all the nerves and nonsense. I tried things and threw them out. I made mistakes and survived to tell the tale. And eventually… I looked around me and the walls were down. I was able to stand and take up space.
Do you want some help breaking up with imposter syndrome?? Here are two more ways I can support you:
- I offer free discovery calls where I can help identify what’s going on for you and offer some tools that are specific to your needs. Let’s connect.
- My From Your Center podcast cohost and I talked a lot about this on an episode called How to Face Your Fears. If you want to learn more about why we fear people judging us and how that resonates in our nervous systems, take a listen. Skip to minute 14 to jump right into the tools.
