Break it Up!

I don’t like delays. Breaks are fine.

Let me explain my thinking…

As a blanket rule and a conflict resolution tip for the workplace, delays should be avoided as much as possible. The longer a process takes, or the wider the gap between interactions, the more time is available for individuals to embed assumptions and construct theories about the other person in the meantime. (During the delay, they are also inevitably talking to others about the situation and being influenced by their external – and potentially biased - perspectives.)

Our natural state when emotions are heightened and we feel insecure about a relationship, is often to think of all the worst possible scenarios and justify our actions. So, if you are hoping that people might start giving the other person the benefit of the doubt during the gap, I would think again.

It should also be acknowledged that people feel incredibly uncomfortable while they are waiting for an outcome. Someone’s mind does not stop thinking through a situation, just because the process requires them to wait. Without fail, those who were able to resolve issues quickly were able to come to the mediation with more clarity of mind and less residual stress from the time spent waiting for the mediation to happen.

“Life isn't about living without problems. Life is about solving problems.” - Tom Krause

Those who had been through a drawn-out grievance process or had spent months – or years for some – just trying to get through a situation that was awaiting any form of effective conflict management, are often significantly more drained of emotional energy and more cynical of a positive outcome.

If I were to give a few tips on how to manage conflict, ‘Not delaying resolution’ would be on the list!

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“We were on a break!”

Though I would not recommend a total ‘break’ in the relationship nor delay in re-establishing communication, there are many potential tools and techniques that I use during a conflict resolution process. And taking a short break is one of them.

So, what is the difference between a ‘delay’ and a ‘break’?

Firstly, the break is short. As I have already highlighted, when there are big gaps in communication, people feel those gaps with their own assumptions, which are often based on biased or missing information. If people need a break, keep it as short as possible.

A delay suggests the next step could reasonably have started earlier.

Secondly, the break has a purpose. I recognise that emotions can sometimes bubble over and lead to people feeling unable to communicate effectively or process information well. If there has been a significantly impactful event, people may need days to process what has occurred. If someone has reached this state during a conversation, it makes total sense to encourage a short break. Even ten minutes can be enough for someone to calm down.

A delay tends to just put off the inevitable necessary action.

Thirdly, the break can have clear boundaries – there is a beginning and an end. If someone needs a break during a mediation session, or if I think it might be useful, I will typically explain what they might want to use the break for and give them a time to return by. My experience helps me know how long is likely to be beneficial, so the aim is not to be unnecessarily frugal with time. I do notice that the shorter breaks are helpful for people to encourage a focus on what to do in that time.

A delay tends to be repeatedly extended – often because the situation was not prioritised, or the time allowance was not accurately anticipated.

Finally, a break allows for a reset. I don’t know what happens in each person’s mind when I use a break as a tool, and it looks like a beneficial next step. Yet, when people return, it is interesting to see the difference between how they behaved before and after the break. Many a time I have called for a break when communication has started to become unproductive, they leave heated and return humbly apologetic.

I also believe in acknowledging awkwardness and tension – whether before or after a required break. Learning how to do so sensitively is just one of many essential skills required for resolving conflict. This kind of framing can be help people process what they were experiencing before the break and make a proactive decision about what they want to do next. They are empowered to discuss what happened and then given the choice - “What would you like to happen next?”

A delay, however, keeps people in suspense about the future – over which they often feel out of control.

“Again and again, the impossible problem is solved when we see that the problem is only a tough decision waiting to be made.” - Robert H. Schuller

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Is a break always necessary?

Every workplace conflict is unique. There is a reason why a key principle of mediation is that the process is flexible. I have no fixed processes when I mediate – every scenario is assessed uniquely, and I am also aware that the way a mediation session evolves is different each time.

A mediation conversation can feel quite intense at times (even if everything is peaceful and positive) so I think short breaks from the conversation can be beneficial anyway, but I am not rigid in my approach to when, why, and how long for.

There may be additional considerations for individuals who have mental health concerns, experience anxiety, are neurodiverse, or have a disability. And, sometimes, even the mediator needs a break too!

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To break up or not to break up…

I also recommend the person managing the conflict should not fear stopping a conversation for a short break. Some might be concerned that if they call a break someone may not return. Generally, if you have communicated what will happen after the break, this is very unlikely. If you were to just let a conversation run on, getting more and more heated and unconstructive, then someone may indeed feel the need to leave.

In general, if you think a break is likely to help, I encourage the person managing the conflict situation to consider what the purpose of the break is, what the shortest yet effective interval period would be, and what boundaries they need to communicate.

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