To break through our fear of the unknown we must face our fear of not being enough...

The illusion for some of us that things would be “going back” to the way they were is quickly fading. Our families, communities, and society have all been disrupted on a deep level—and the end of the proverbial tunnel is not in sight. Just more fog, volatility, impossible decisions, and a huge spoonful of “new normals.” It’s a disorienting time, which threatens us on every level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs pyramid. Some of us feel frightened for our jobs and ability to put food on the table…some of us feel scared for our health and safety and that of our loved ones…we might be worried about maintaining relationships and friendships amid social distancing and wondering how this “holy grail time out” could harm our children…some of us feel concerned about accomplishing our goals and dreams in a world where it appears more doors are closing than opening.  Whatever it is that is keeping us up at night, we are all feeling afraid of the unknowns we face.

So, let’s take a moment to explore the unknown and why it feels so scary and consider some strategies for managing this next phase of our collective experience.

“We do not fear the unknown. We fear what we think we know about the unknown.” – Teal Swan

First, let’s look at the monster, “the unknown,” for a second. All of us know it well because we’ve seen it a thousand times before. Our first steps as a child, our first day at school, our first time driving a car, our first day of work, our first presentation…the list goes on. You have bravely faced this monster more times than you can count, and I’m willing to bet you have won the battle against “the unknown” exponentially more times than you have lost. So, why are we so afraid of it?

In my experience, there are two big reasons:

1.     We tend to focus on and remember the times we failed far more than the times we succeeded.

2.     We have been taught in childhood (in school, by our parents, etc.) that failure is a limitation of our abilities, so we want to avoid failure at all costs. And the best way to do that is to never step outside our comfort zones or voluntarily face the unknown. As a result, our resiliency muscle gets weaker, and we develop these self-limiting beliefs that we aren’t capable of handling what life throws at us.

And for the most part, these are stories, not THE truth. These are just beliefs; they are not grounded in fact.

A small example: When I was five years old, my dad and I set out to plant tulips in our garden. For such a task, most dads would have handled their young daughter a simple shovel to dig the hole for the bulbs. Not my dad; he handed me a post hole digger. For those of you who aren’t familiar with post hole diggers, they are five-foot-long tools with two handles and clam-type blades used to dig narrow holes to install posts for fences, signs, or—in our case tulip bulbs. Why would my dad hand me a tool that was almost twice my size when a simple shovel would have sufficed? I like to think he was teaching me to believe in myself. I remember the day so vividly. I told him that I didn’t think I was strong enough to do it, to which he responded “Oh, yes you are,” with a reassuring smile. I got it into the ground, and then he told me to jump on top of the blade to push it down. I jumped, but there was little progress. Feeling slightly frustrated, I was ready to give up. Then, my dad said, “Try it again.” I jumped two more times, and what do you know, this tiny girl dug her first proper hole. I learned resilience that day and to never get stuck in my inner narrative. I have a hundred more stories like this, and—believe me—I am pulling them forward in my memory these days as I face my own daunting unknowns.

I truly believe fear of the unknown can be conquered once we stop believing the falsehood that we are incapable of managing what’s around the corner and when we start remembering all the times we triumphed in the past.

So, how do we do that?

“Don’t let the fear of the unknown keep you from experiencing a life greater than you have ever known.” - Jeff Mcclung

Our self-limiting thoughts and beliefs will not go away overnight, but there are some things we can do today to begin to retrain our minds to see the unknown as more of a friend than a foe.

1.     Acknowledge your fear. By naming your fear and calling it out of the darkness, you are beginning the process of taking the power away from it.

2.     Take one small step at a time. Sometimes the fear can feel so big that it is paralyzing. To begin to break its hold on you, ask yourself this: “What’s the next single thing I can do that will serve me in this moment?” It honestly doesn’t matter what that single thing is—taking a walk, placing a phone call, drinking a cup of hot coffee, listening to music—what matters is that you do it consciously to take care of yourself in the moment so you can begin to turn the emotion into motion. Many years ago, I had hit a point in my life and my marriage where I was desperate and scared to death of what was around the corner. My spirit was drained, and I didn’t know what to do.  I remember walking into our backyard and realizing that the next single best thing for me was to leave and go on a silent retreat. So, I did—even though I had three young children at home and many responsibilities. In that moment, the best way for me to move forward was to take some steps back to be alone with my thoughts. It saved me and my marriage.

3.     Put your fear on the courtroom stand, and question it. Once you are in a mindset capable of analyzing your fear, work really hard to understand where it comes from and whether it’s credible. For example, ask for evidence that supports your fear of the unknown. Why should you believe that you will fail and your fear of the unknown will be right? Then, ask for evidence to the contrary and examples where you have triumphed over uncertainty.

4.     Recognize you are not alone. The entire world is in this predicament with you, and no one has the “right” answer. Lean into that reality and start learning from other people’s ideas. I have come to know that all of us is smarter than one of us. When we get out of our own way, it is possible for us to access and learn from the collective intelligence.

5.     Unleash your joy. The path to getting past your fears is to spend time in your joy. Learn something you always wanted to do. For me, it’s ballroom dancing. Ask yourself what you would be doing now if you weren’t afraid to fail. Then lose yourself in it.

While some people may be able to process each of these steps on their own, many of us would benefit from a little help from a non-judgmental friend or colleague. In my next blog, I will talk about how we can create safe spaces for ourselves and each other that provide the psychological safety necessary for us to turn our fixed mindsets (focused on limitations) into growth mindsets (focused on resiliency and learning) and ultimately see the inherent opportunity in the unknown.

In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you. What examples do you have of when you faced the unknown and won?