Braving the Rapids of Hard Conversations

As we enjoyed a trip on the Great Smoky Mountains Railroad, which runs along the Nantahala River, we spotted a pair of kayakers headed toward rapids that looked pretty harrowing. I’ve only kayaked on what’s known as “flat water,” which is just the way I like my water when I’m paddling along in an oversized Tupperware container.

I asked my friend, an accomplished athlete, whether he thought the rapids were “class 4 or class 5 ” – ratings at the upper end of the whitewater rating scale .

“Oh no,” he said. “That’s more of a 1 or 2.”

Huh. I turned back to the rapids boiling over rocks and imagined myself tipping over, tumbling out of the kayak and floating down the river.

No, I am not an extreme sports enthusiast, why do you ask? ?

It got me thinking about the way I used to avoid hard conversations, the same way I’d pull that kayak out of the river at the first sign of a ripple.

I convinced myself these conversations would damage my relationships.

It took me a while to admit to myself what I knew in my heart: these are the very conversations that preserve and strengthen relationships, and that allow me to live out my full potential.

Loosen your Hips

I bet you don’t look forward to these conversations either. Welcome to the human race, where most people don’t love conversations we know might leave the other person feeling angry, disappointed or upset.

But if you never have these conversations, you will always be the one feeling angry, disappointed or upset. We cut off connection and short-circuit our potential when we consistently avoid hard conversations.

The good news is that sometimes what looks like boiling whitewater isn’t so challenging after all, once you center yourself the “why.”

Learning to navigate tough conversations reminds me of a family vacation at the beach. We planned a kayak trip on the intercoastal waterway, where the water is not as flat as on the lakes I’m used to. I was nervous.

The guide told us to relax and keep our hips loose to manage those little waves that came by. I didn’t tip and it was an exhilarating ride - I’m so glad I didn’t let myself miss out on it. It was a good “next level” experience for me and built my confidence.

When you’re learning to kayak you don’t jump into class 5 rapids. You start on flat water and move up the scale as your skills and confidence increase. It’s the same with tough conversations, and all authentic communication (which calls for courage and vulnerability).

Start small.

Tips to keep you from tipping over:

• Stay solution-oriented. Get over the need to protect yourself or “win” and get centered on the bigger “why.”
• Narrow your focus. Find the third story: In every disagreement, there are three stories: yours, theirs and the difference between them. That difference is the third story and gives you a focal point.
• Listen. Tune in completely to the other person when they’re talking, rather than formulating your response or fortifying your position.
• Pause. Take a breath before you launch into to your position, and before each response. There is misunderstanding in the rushing through and magic in the pause.
• Let go of the outcome. You think you know how you want it turn out but steering the conversation too tightly squelches creative problem-solving. See the first bullet. ?

One thing’s for sure: you’ll never learn to stay afloat if you don’t practice. Don’t wait until you feel better – that comes after you come out the other side, maybe drenched but most thrillingly alive.

What a rush!