The BRAVING Model For Self-Trust In Divorce

The most important relationship you have in life is with yourself. And nowhere in life is this more true than when you’re going through divorce. Sadly, it’s also a time when most of my clients report their self-trust being at rock bottom. Brene Brown has researched extensively on the topic of trust, and I have enormous respect for her work. So in this blog I share how you can use her BRAVING model to repair self-trust in divorce.

BRAVING is an acronym that stands for:

Boundaries

Reliability

Accountability

Vault

Integrity

Non-judgement

Generosity

Let’s take each of these in turn.

Boundaries in divorce

Too many crossed boundaries are often a factor in unhealthy marriages. And, often the boundaries are crossed because they aren’t stated in the first place. To redevelop a sense of self trust, it’s important to know what your boundaries are: with your soon-to-be-ex, and everyone else. Saying no and setting limits feels uncomfortable at first, but it’s a muscle that you can strengthen.

Reliability

Doing what you say you will is important for trust. Others learn to trust you when you follow through on your commitments. The trouble is, we often neglect our commitments to ourselves. It’s easier to not go to the yoga class if you’re feeling tired, or one of the children wants you around. But if you have a pattern of regularly not following through on the things you want to do for yourself, you erode the self-trust. Set yourself one small task to progress your divorce this week: whether it’s responding to a solicitor’s email, opening the bank statement, or asking for help with childcare so you have some headspace. And do it.

Accountability

Accountability is about taking responsibility when things go wrong, not avoiding the truth or playing the victim all the time. It’s actually a much more peaceful position to operate from, to accept that you’re not perfect and own up when you make a mistake. This isn’t about ‘letting your ex get away with it’. It’s about taking ownership of where you are now, and moving forward.?

Vault

Honouring the Vault is about not breaking confidentiality. Gossip can feel like a way to develop connections with others, but it puts at risk the trust others have in you, and you can have in yourself. You may have been burned by so-called friends talking about you behind your back, and you know how that feels. Your role in divorce now is to focus on you. Don’t worry about what others are doing. Don’t bad mouth your soon-to-be-ex in front of anyone who’ll listen.?

Integrity

Integrity is about living in accordance with your values. I write regularly about values, as they are so important in navigating divorce. You can read about the role they play in planning your divorce journey here. Your values will help you make the right choices for you, not just the ones that feel easiest.?

Non-judgement

The aspect of non-judgement I want to focus on here is towards ourselves. When other people share their vulnerabilities, or ask for help in a time of need, how do you feel? I know I feel respect for that person, and I feel closer to them.?

However, we’re our own harshest critics, and often hold back from asking others for help, for fear that it will impose. We berate ourselves for not being good enough to do it all ourselves. Release yourself of this judgement. Let yourself be human, and vulnerable.?

Generosity

Brene Brown talks about generosity in this context as assuming the most compassionate interpretation behind actions and behaviours.?

Now, if you’re in the middle of divorce with a high conflict person, or someone who is treating you badly, I’m not asking you to always assume the best from them. But it is worthwhile to play your part in not turning the heat up - don’t engage in power games. And apply an abundance of generosity to yourself. You will make mistakes. You will be unreliable sometimes. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad or untrustworthy person. Just grant yourself the level of kindness you show to others in your life.?

Having a healthy, trusting relationship with yourself is foundational to navigating divorce with confidence, and enjoying life post-divorce too. Applying the BRAVING principles in small, consistent ways will help you get there.?

Having an experienced divorce coach on your team will help you get there faster. I’m not here to give you answers or tell you what to do. I am here to walk this path with you, on your terms. To remind you of the power and wisdom you already hold, and help you unlock it.?

Book in a call to find out how.

Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready . A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self-study and group programmes. Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com

#divorce

#divorcecoach

#divorcesupport