Brave Spaces: Listening with curiosity, grace and empathy.

A ‘brave space’ - in the workplace or otherwise - requires both courageous speaking and egoless listening.  Every individual can contribute to creating brave spaces. First and foremost, it starts with the practice of listening. 

In “My advice to fellow employees,” I advised teammates to “listen with curiosity, grace and empathy’. To further explain these concepts, I’ve broken them down here: 

Listening with Curiosity

• When listening to another person’s ideas, feedback or thoughts, seek to understand their point of view without applying your own interpretations that could be misguided by bias and your (incorrect) assumptions about that individual.
• If you are unclear on what they mean by their words, ask for clarity. Don’t assume.
• Take note of your reactions — physical and emotional — and be curious about them. Why are you reacting, and might it say more about you than the other person? 

Listening with Grace

• Ask yourself, “what is the most generous way I can receive this?” The most generous listening is just as possible as the most selfish.
• Take note of personal biases, or ‘stories’, you may have about people. For example, is your listening clouded by beliefs such as “they are close-minded; they always argue, they don’t know this industry;”... etc. Consciously remove those biases and hear the person with fresh ears.
• Believe that people are doing the best they can, with the information and experiences they have had.

Listening with Empathy

• Put the person’s words into the context of their social location and experiences. In other words, put yourself in their shoes and seek to hear their words through that context.  Note: a person’s ‘social location’ reflects their social standing in a given situation or society and is a result of a combination of factors including (but not limited to) gender, race, social class, age, ability, religion, sexual orientation, and geographic location. This makes social location particular to each individual.
• Ask yourself, ‘what might it be like to be that person?’ 

I had to use these skills recently with my children. My husband and I have three kids, ages 11, 8 and 7. Our youngest has been yelling at us, avoiding what we are asking of him, and generally being argumentative. It’s been challenging and frustrating at times. When I paused to deeply listen to what he’s saying, both verbal and non-verbal, and recognize what he might be experiencing as the youngest child, only boy in our family, and a 7-year old navigating the world amidst so much change.... I quickly realized my failure to create a brave space in our home. I hadn’t been listening with curiosity, grace or empathy. I hadn’t created the conditions where he could express his feelings without me getting impatient and short-tempered. He couldn’t ask for what he needed. The absence of a brave space resulted in him ‘acting out’, as we had been describing it with our incomplete understanding and lack of empathy. Once I acknowledged his experience, told him that I was sorry for not listening, and sat down with him to allow him to speak freely and without judgement... our world changed. The energy in the house changed.

You all can help create brave spaces in your homes, social networks and workplaces. The first step is to start with your own practice of listening. In any situation (i.e. reading a post, listening to a colleague, or interacting with your family), avoid the urge to react or respond immediately. Pause to do a quick gut check on curiosity, grace and empathy and then (only then) respond.

Stay tuned for next week’s article, where I’ll share more detail around “speaking with courage, conviction and respect”.  If you have specific situations that you’d like support on navigating, please direct message me and I may choose your situation to feature in an article. That way, we can all learn and grow together. *If you are selected, I will keep all names anonymous.

Be kind,

Janelle