Be brave. Be kind

Reflections on Women’s Month

Context is important – I turned 42 recently, and it felt significant because turning 21 was a big deal, so turning 42 meant reaching that milestone for the second time. Besides feeling like the second 21 years passed far more quickly than the first 21 years (Adrian Gore explains why here), I’ve realised that my life is much richer than ever before.

One aspect of this richness is in my exposure to, and knowledge of, gender equality. In hindsight, although I wasn’t consciously aware at the time, my first 21 years were extremely male-oriented – I grew up in a family with two brothers and a sister, my Dad played golf and worked and my Mom looked after us wonderfully well. I played cricket, golf, war games, rode my bikes and went to a boys-only high school – so my perspectives and experiences were strongly male-biased and these really only began to shift when I left school and went to university.

In the second 21 years, besides university and then starting to work, the most significant step in gender awareness and education was when I met my wife almost 17 years ago – Helen is assertive, open, confident and values fairness and respecting others above all else – in fact when I met her I was so excited about the possibility of going out with her but also not sure how to deal with these strong principles that I thought she would be offended if I picked her up from her digs on our very first date as some sort of old-fashioned male chauvinist action, so I rather suggested we meet up at Rosebank – something that I am still reminded of!

We’ve been married for more than 12 years and we have two daughters who attend a girls’ school, so my gender experiences are a lot more balanced and informed.

Two things stand out for me in terms of Helen’s principles as a strong female leader and role model:

1.      When Helen was a young girl, her parents sat her and her sister down and told them that the most important principle to remember at all times was to ‘never be a doormat’ – stand up for what you believe in and what you think is right, and don’t let us others push you around or tell you what to do or limit your abilities and achievements

2.      A couple of years ago we went to a Saturday morning market and Helen found a beautiful beaded picture which had the inscription “Be brave. Be kind” which we loved and bought. The girls asked Helen about the phrase, and she told them that this was now our family motto

So, the updated context: I’m now a more balanced 42-year-old and August (Women's month) has just ended. In mid-July my sister Gina (the sister with 3 brothers) let me know that she had been invited to be part of a panel at a GIBS Women’s Month event on Women in Business – I congratulated Gina and said that I would definitely attend. I also arranged for us to build this into our BSG Women’s Month calendar of events. We arranged 8 tickets and had an internal competition for anyone at BSG to share great advice they’d received from influential women in their lives in order to earn the opportunity to go to the event.

Fast forward to the event, on Tuesday 13 August – as usual, I got there early (a habit I learnt from my Mom), and went to register – as I collected my nametag the (female) GIBS organiser said to me “Oh, you’re the thorn amongst the roses!” – I sort of laughed that off, but didn’t fully get what she meant. I went into the room, took a seat and her comment became crystal clear when the room filled up – probably 200 people in the room, and leaving aside the GIBS support staff there were only 3 male attendees.* I was surprised, and tried to work out why this would be the case, and the only conclusion I could reach is that there was a perception that Women’s Month events were ONLY for women!

*Nicola Kleyn did say that this was a 300% increase in male participation from the previous year!

The speakers were all so insightful and inspiring, and also very practical in their advice. When it was time for questions I put up my hand and made the point that while the messages were excellent, I thought they were largely wasted on the audience as they were ‘preaching to the converted’ – the broader and much greater opportunity is to have these conversations with men as well.

Continuous learning should be a priority for everyone, and this learning needs to create value which only happens if you act on what you have learnt. One of the powerful themes from the GIBS event was the importance of changing the narrative – owning your story, not allowing yourself to get stuck because of the norm / narrative / conventions of the past. The action I am committing to is to change the narrative that Women’s Month events are only for women, and a good result would be to have a far higher gender balance at next year’s GIBS Women’s Month event (and any other events).

In the meantime I’d like to share what I learnt with others who weren’t in the room - note these are just the points that really stood out for me:

-         Roze Phillips

o  Be a great ancestor – (my reflections) - what a powerful message! We see so many short-term actions and decisions across all phases of life, taking a longer-term view and thinking about how you can create sustainable differences – there are so many ways from teaching somebody to do something, rather than delegating a task to them; or in helping to define a longer-term career growth plan

o  “If you want to grow linearly, go alone; if you want to grow exponentially, go together” – the importance of alignment, collaboration and partnerships – don’t compete, collaborate!

o  “Stand on the shoulders of giants” – have a champion or a sponsor who can help you to grow – not gender dependent, find someone who will support and challenge you to achieve your potential – similarly be a champion for others, especially those who need that guidance and support most significantly

-         Busisiwe Mavuso

o  “What is that one thing we’re all driving towards as South Africa – align all industries, align the whole country to that” – another great point on collaboration and making a long-term difference – need to align on what is most important as a country, rather than just individually, and make the achievement of that goal the priority for all – what would that be?

o   “Channel our energy to where we want to go” – so often we hear the comments “I’m too busy”, “I don’t have enough time” – everyone has the same 168 hours a week – we must plan what we want to achieve, what we want to contribute and how we want to progress and then PRIORITISE and PROTECT our precious time in line with that

-         Mandy Weiner

o  “We get to write the first version of history” – again such a powerful concept, especially when you think about what story you want to tell, be there to tell the story, else you’ll just be reading someone else’s version of what happened!

o  “Kick the door down!” – create the opportunity for yourself, take the initiative and make it happen

o  “Mentorship – and who will you mentor” – strong aligned theme on finding and being a champion or sponsor to others – but also not just taking, but giving (being a good ancestor again)

-         Umunyana Rugege

o  “Changing the world means changing the circumstances of people” – not a concept, but a practical point – what can you do specifically to make a difference around you, how can each of us change the circumstances for ourselves and those we interact with?

o  “Understand what is happening at ground level” – get out of the building! Get to where things are happening, don’t make assumptions about what is going on, be there, engage, understand and use this context to drive change

-         Gina Schoeman (note – my sister!)

o  “Be kind” – Gina spoke about simple things like seeing the sign outside Standard Bank in Rosebank each morning, obviously strongly aligned to my family’s ‘motto’, – but such a simple framing statement that helps to adjust our attitude and approach to mindfully position everything we do, and to shift from taking to giving

o  “The benefits of a more maternal economy” – common themes again with long-term sustainability – maternal characteristics are about nurturing, caring for and growing sustainably with a much longer-term focus, vs a short-term, aggressive, results oriented approach at all costs

o  “Citibank never asks me to do anything because I’m already doing it!” Lead yourself! Don’t let others manage you, use your time, prioritise, be efficient, allows urgent AND important things to be done – but must have a plan and create that priority, as well as meet your commitments

All in all, an excellent month of learning that must continue – let’s change the narrative, while being brave and kind