Brain-damaged by an English Teacher mother, I now am compelled to write customer service letters like this.
A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Sadly, I seem unable to keep mine focused on productive matters when faced with debilitating situations like the one I describe below. I'm sure that there is a support group or drug somewhere that can help with this situation, but I'm told that the first step is admitting that I have a problem.
Perhaps this is a cry for help or perhaps it is a warning sign for reflection. In either case, this is an honest-to-goodness Customer Service Letter that I have written to a British shirt maker.
"First off, I blame this missive on my Mother. It seems that she had a stint as an English teacher (admittedly, the American version of English) prior to my arrival on the scene. She subsequently ruined me for writers everywhere.
With that disclaimer out of the way, I was trying on my recently received Charles Tyrwhitt shirts when I idly read one of the bags that it came in. It's not that the initial try-on of long-awaited CT shirts is not exciting. Quite the opposite. I really enjoy the quality of the shirts I've ordered from you. Rather, it was the formerly discussed mental destruction visited upon me by my Mother.
You see, I am unable to read a sentence like, "Our business has been built customer by customer, so if we have fallen short in any way then please let us know - you are important and we don't want to loose you." and just let it be.
It is true that one of the shirts that I ordered was too tight - and I initially thought that might have been my ordering error - but I am unsure as to whether that is what you meant by not wanting to "loose" me.
Perhaps for some reason I'm unable to discern, you don't want me to prosper or be free. That would seem to be an unkind sentiment, particularly for a shirt bag, but now I'm concerned. I think I might enjoy being loosed occasionally and have quite a bit of my own baggage to overcome to get there. I would hate to think of Charles Tyrwhitt as one more obstacle to have to overcome.
"Have you considered," I asked myself, "that maybe the fine folks at Charles Tyrwhitt don't really need to know all of this about you, your Mother, and their simple garment bag?" "I had considered that," I responded to myself, "but it says right there on the bag - heck! - right there in the offending sentence that Mr. Tyrwhitt wishes to know if he has fallen short 'in any way' and that I should 'please let us know'."
I *did* mention the part where I am damaged goods, did I not?
In any case, it could be that this whole situation is a misunderstanding and it is a simple spelling error that I should have just overlooked and allowed all of us to move on with our lives.
Sadly, due to the aforementioned brainwashing I've received at the hands of my Mother, I am not that loosed."