‘Boys Don’t Cry’ and the Shame Is Killing Them

Men may still hold significant power in society but they are often powerless when it comes to societal norms that deny them some of the most fundamental aspects of the human experience. In the pursuit of what is deemed ‘masculine’, men can lose sight of what it means to be human.

“Stop crying like some little girl,” a father tells his six-year-old son who stares blankly into space as half-formed tears threaten to spill from his eyes.

Hearing that phrase while catching a train, derailed my own train of thought, throwing me back into a childhood memory.?

“You’re a big boy now,” my mother or father tells my younger brother. “Men don’t cry.”

Seven or eight at the time, my brother stands in the corner of the room, biting his tongue to stop the tears from streaming down his face. Soon enough, the pain from the bite betrays him and, finally, the dams burst.?

After many more ‘crying incidents,’ the shine of barely contained tears in my brother’s eyes dulled into quiet coldness.?

Whenever he saw me cry afterward, whether during a heated argument with one of my parents or while watching an emotional movie scene, he would talk about how weak I was compared to him, and about how ‘real men’ never cry.

I didn’t think twice about it as a child. Growing up in Morocco and raised as the only daughter amongst brothers in a fairly traditional Moroccan family, I thought my parents and everyone else around me were unquestionably right.

Boys are not supposed to cry. They’re supposed to be tough, right? Meanwhile, girls are allowed to cry. We are expected and encouraged to express our emotions, including sadness, show affection, and sometimes even exaggerate feelings of happiness.?

Once the haze of childhood made way for some clarity in adulthood, those same phrases that once made sense to my impressionable young mind seemed more sad than motivational.?

How tragic it is when a child’s biological sex dictates whether they can show pure, unadulterated emotions. How can we, as a society, hope to reach our full potential if we deny ourselves a basic human need: to explore and constructively express our emotions.

From an emotional standpoint, nothing has changed much since antiquity. Women’s anger is boxed and shelved as an inconvenience, while men’s anger is swept under the rug as simply ‘what men do,’ with its deeper sources rarely explored.?

For women, passiveness and docility are considered true femininity and the females who do not resonate with such traits have to either force themselves to fit into the mold or be criticized for doing otherwise.?

For men, suppressing emotions, displaying stoic qualities (although stoicism has lost much of its meaning here), and rejecting physical intimacy with their own parents and with male friends is often regarded as peak masculinity.?

Meanwhile, men who embody gentleness and compliance are labeled as ‘weak’ or less masculine.

These rigid attitudes , particularly the ‘macho’ ideal, which remains appealing and prevalent in many cultures, push men to the point of implosion.

Men would rather suffer in silence than face their emotional turmoil, and subconsciously, violence or substance abuse may become an outlet for these suppressed emotions, leading to even more isolation.

Regardless of gender or sex, when societal expectations pressure individuals into suppressing their emotions or revealing more than they are comfortable with, their psyche suffers immensely.?

When emotions or past traumas go unaddressed, they often manifest in unexpected ways, such as depression, sudden feelings of anger, resentment, guilt, or shame.

Similarly, when unresolved emotions are brought to light prematurely, before the individual has had the chance to process them, they can cause further psychological distress.

In both scenarios, whether through constant suppression or premature disclosure of negative emotions, individuals can feel a loss of control that could only be consoled by tapping into our most primitive instincts, necessary for survival: fight-or-flight, territoriality, or fear-based avoidance.

Swiss psychologist Carl Gustav Jung coined the term ‘The Shadow Self’ to describe the buried and shunned aspects of the psyche—a term that paradoxically brings them to light.?

According to Jungian psychology , the less we acknowledge our shadow side, the darker and denser it becomes, eventually interfering with our behavior, decisions, and interactions in daily life.?

For instance, if we were to dig deeper into why we hate seeing others cry or feel uncomfortable when someone shows their vulnerable side, we might discover that we ourselves struggle with expressing such emotions.?

As we live in a world where self-reflection is often overshadowed by the need for survival or the pursuit of financial stability, it’s hardly surprising that our shadow becomes too large, too dark to face.?

Many rarely explore their shadow, and more often than not, men neither acknowledge nor engage with the buried aspects of themselves, rejecting their traumas, fears, or grief, and succumbing to depression as a result.

Men who display emotional vulnerability are often met with mockery or disgust, sometimes even from friends or romantic partners, making it difficult for them to acknowledge their own suffering.

The stigma surrounding men’s mental health, fueled by sociocultural norms, is so deeply entrenched that even men who suffer physical or psychological abuse are rarely taken seriously.?

Of the cases reported globally, about 1 in 13 boys are sexually abused before the age of 18, according to the World Health Organization (WHO ).?

Many men who experience abuse hesitate to ask for help, fearing they won’t be believed—and often, they are proven right, as society tends to view healthy adult males as physiologically incapable of being victimized.?

This perception is far from reality, as men can be exploited not only by other men but also by women. According to data from the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS ), up to 20% of men experience female-perpetrated sexual assault.

The fear of societal judgment corners men from all sides, not only making it nearly impossible to report abuse but also dehumanizing them in the process. These men, being human first, find themselves at a dead end.

Worldwide, 700,000 people die every year from suicide, with the majority being men .?

In Morocco, the suicide mortality rate for men stands at about 7.2 per 100,000 population . Depression, exacerbated by economic hardship and social stigma surrounding mental health, plays a major role in these statistics.

And so we ask, how much can a person truly endure? How far can we progress as a collective if we continue to cling to harmful stereotypes and allow them to burden us without questioning or challenging them?

Aldous Huxley’s dystopian novel Brave New World captures the essence of social conditioning and how it can force individuals to accept a predetermined role without question.

One of its most memorable lines reads, “All conditioning aims at making people like their inescapable social destiny.”

Social conditioning makes it easier for men to allow anger, lust, and a watered-down form of joy to float onto the surface while stifling other more vulnerable emotions like grief, fear, or loneliness.

It is normal for any individual to want to establish a safe emotional space before entrusting other people with their deepest emotions. But men sometimes do not have the luxury of sharing their more vulnerable feelings even with those closest to them.

I am not qualified, nor do I believe anyone truly is, to tell the individual male what he should or should not be. However, it’s safe to say that vulnerability is one of the most natural aspects of the human experience.?

Regardless of sex or gender, recognizing that strength cannot exist without weakness and vice versa is a step towards self-acceptance.

Even if it’s not shared with others, it’s important to acknowledge within oneself that it is okay to feel vulnerable. It’s okay to fail, to ask for help, to express fear, and to reject rigid definitions of success, where material wealth is equated to a man’s worth.?

While these beliefs may not be discarded anytime soon, and while it is important for anyone to feel a sense of achievement to affirm their contribution to their communities, we must remember the difference between what we are capable of and who we are as individuals.

To be reduced to what we own is a slight on the human spirit. Men are capable of so much more than their status or financial achievements.

Just like women, men are capable of feeling and giving unconditional love in their own unique ways, being deeply involved in raising their children, and nurturing themselves and their community. But before all of that, they must first feel safe to express themselves without shame.

Globalization and the Changing Perception of Masculinity

It makes for an interesting turn of events when young men from cultures, such as Morocco, which already uphold the view that males should be the primary providers and leaders while females should manage home duties, start to embrace the 'Alpha' man trend.

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