Boys: 16, 18, or even 24, still need meaningful connection

Maintaining meaningful connections is an ongoing and life long process, yet as children grow up and want/demand greater independence, they can get severed due to a myriad of reasons. 

Young men, 16-24, who have begun navigating the world to discover their own place and are often viewed as being less emotional, are particularly vulnerable to this sometimes gradual, or even crisis-driven disengagement process.

If this scenario seems remotely similar to your situation, know your son, grandson, or that special fella in your care still needs you!

Despite this 16-24-yr-old’s demeanor or less-than-perfect attitude, inside of that tough kid standing in front of you with a cocky and even sometimes defiant disposition, is your little boy, which can be revived with a gentle approach.

For this reason alone, you, parents and caretakers, must realize that due diligence is needed on your behalf to keep these bonds strong, without being smothering or appearing in the least enmeshed. Since this could be a difficult transition for all the family members, maintaining this fine balance should actually be a planned discussion within the confines of the family.

As a therapist and relationship coach, I have often been asked when is a good opportunity to start this conversation. My suggestion is it should occur at any transition where you observe notable changes in the relationship.

For a template to follow, the conversation could sound something like this, “I/we see that you are growing up and spending more time with your friends and less time with us, your family, so I/we would like to discuss ways in which we could stay connected, while respecting your budding independence.” Always, start/end the discussion with “I love you.” The advice I give next is difficult for some folks, but wait for a response, even if it seems difficult to respect his autonomy and decision-making ability, which is an excellent skill in maintaining powerful connections.

I also caution my clients and folks I speak to in audiences not to lecture these fellas. If you find yourself spouting off demands or talking to your kid like you are engaging in a business meeting, stop. A simple technique is to adjust your tone and demeanor by adding fun and playful engagement to inspire the child deep inside. If you are not sure, have someone tape record you, and play it back when you are alone, or ask him directly. (You may be surprised by the honesty).

These “Boys: 16, 18, or even 24, still need meaningful connection,” tips will support you on your journey. 

1.      Invest deeply in the relationship. Be purposeful about scheduling consistent time to be together.

2.      Do not expect him to be the initiator of doing activities with you. You be the catalyst to make it happen by remembering that he is still a young man. 

3.      Be genuinely curious about his interests. Go to the places where he is involved, and learn what is important to him, which develops trust.   

4.      Resist the temptation to lecture and criticize. Engage with him playfully, and become a source of levity and fun.   

5.      Treat that special gentlemen like a VIP with unexpected reminders as to how special he is to you. Call/text to just let your son know that you are thinking of him, and communicate your belief in the dreams he has for his life by placing hidden inspirational notes around the house, in his backpack, or in a hand-written letter.   

With intentionality, the strong bond that you had in the past with your 16-24-yr-old can be rekindled again with a touch of humility and a whole lot of tenderness, even if at first, he seems reluctant to engage in the healing process.

Thank you for reading.

Your thoughts are very appreciated.

Researcher’s Bio

Karen Bontrager helps 16-24-year-old men make permanent shifts in their behavior from merely surviving in life to thriving through transparent coaching/counseling in one-on-one conversations and in group work, and through topic sensitive workshops. With this ontological approach, I partner with my clients to discover their essence, (aka highest and best self) by powerfully reflecting and listening to them. My clients quickly learn how to generate self-awareness and to voice their own relationship needs in a clear, constructive way by learning key coaching techniques/evidenced based counseling approaches/tools to work past their traumatic events and addictions to move forward. The clients are then equipped to develop healthy relationships with key relationships: parents/siblings/friends, and with intimate dating partners because they have learned how to proactively use their voice.