To the boy we couldn't save
Trigger Warning: Suicide
It took me a very long time to bring myself to write this story. A story about a teenage boy I barely knew.
I remember doing my paediatric posting at the children’s emergency. It was 8:30 p.m. on a Thursday night. The emergency department buzzed with activities as doctors, nurses, and I went about our tasks.
Suddenly, an ambulance screeched into the emergency bay, carrying a boy who had already lost his pulse.
The paramedic’s words still echo in my mind:
“He jumped. A passerby found him at the foot of an HDB building. No ID, no phone. We don’t know who he is."
Questions lingered in our minds. What was his name? How old was he? Who were his family?
At that moment, none of those questions mattered. What mattered was saving his life. Everyone rushed in to help. The scene was chaotic yet eerily silent.
As we stripped him down to assess his injuries, the first thing I noticed was the substantial scrotal hematoma, possibly from the severe pelvic fractures. It was clear he had lost an immense amount of blood — the pallor was evident. He was lifeless. There was no chest rise, no heart sounds.
More than 20 of us crowded the room, united by the frantic efforts to bring him back. Medically, we had exhausted every option. Yet, we continued taking turns administering CPR, switching every 2 minutes to maintain our efforts.
I remember the moment the team decided to stop. My hands were the last to leave his chest. We had fought for an hour. Even then, I secretly wanted to continue. But his heart had ceased to beat, and I knew our efforts would be futile. Continuing would only cause more harm to his body.
When it was time to let go, the weight of the situation crashed down on me. I held back tears, striving to remain professional.
But once I got home, I poured my heart out in a letter to him.
And today, for the first time, I’m sharing it, in hopes that it reaches someone who needs to hear it.
To the boy we couldn’t save,
I didn’t know you, but I can’t stop thinking about you. In those final moments, I wished with all my heart that you would wake up and see how hard everyone was fighting for you — because you mattered so much.
You might have felt that no one loved you. But if you could have seen the room that night, you would have seen how many people surrounded you, working tirelessly to save your life. Doctors, nurses, paramedics — we were all there for you.
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I don’t know what kind of battle you were fighting, but it must have been a terrible one. The kind that makes getting out of bed feels impossible. The kind that makes even the simplest tasks unbearable. The kind that makes hope seem like a cruel joke. You must have felt so alone, so overwhelmed by the pain that you couldn’t see any other way out.
I’ve struggled to admit this, but I’ve been there too. So when you left, it felt like a part of me left with you. Because I understood, deeply and painfully, how hard it must have been for you to make that decision. The anguish and despair you were in must have been unimaginable, so much stronger than the human instinct to survive.
That night, I wished you could have seen how a room full of strangers gave their all for you. I wished you could have felt the love that filled that room, even from those who didn’t know you.
Because we cared for you, more than words can say.
I’m so sorry we lost the war. But please know, you were never alone, and you were loved — even in your final moments.
You will always be in my thoughts and heart. And I hope you've found peace, wherever you are.
With love,
Calesta
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Paediatrician @ IBCAxPMC@Woodleigh
5 个月Hi Calesta. I teared reading your recount. I was once in that room that fought for him, so believe me that I know how you must have felt. We don't always win the fight. We felt it when that happens. Don't ignore or try to put away those feelings. Keep that as a memento as we live for the times we do. We are in this profession because we feel for those who needs our expertise. We shoulder unimaginable weight on a daily basis. Maintain a strong conviction do your cause, you will do well.
Sleep Health, Healthspan and Longevity Science
5 个月So sad. And, so scary that the mental health issue is bigger than most of us can imagine, affecting even the young teens. We need to find an answer, find ways to reach out to those in need, who may be calling out silently, desperately for help.
Representing The Insignia Group, Prudential Singapore.
8 个月Celeste, I can't begin to express how deeply your story touched me. I fully understand the immense pain and sorrow that comes when a precious life seems to disappear into thin air. Your heartfelt writing painted such a vivid picture of the doctors and hospital staff who gave their all in the struggle to save him. Your words made me feel as if I was right there, witnessing their dedication and tireless efforts. I'm at a loss for words, but please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I continue to pray fervently for those who are still struggling. May they find the support they need, and may they now know where and who to turn to in their time of need. With deepest sympathy and hope, Josephine Ho.
Enthusiastic Content Creator Seeking Opportunities in Marketing Career
8 个月You are in a line where you constantly give for others and its admirable! Keep going Calesta! :))
NVPC - Community Partnerships | Corporate Purpose | Leadership | Philanthropy | Non-profit | Sustainability | Social Innovation | Disaster Response
8 个月It must have taken a lot of courage to pen this and recall the night of the battle. So many medical warriors put up a fight for this young boy. Doctors are also human and we can only imagine your emotions to have to lose a patient. You tried and you gave your best. Stay strong and think of the many lives you will be able to save. Thank you for your service?