A Bowl of Berries: Cultural Differences in Relationships

Here’s a simple question: what would you do if you walked into your kitchen one morning and saw a bowl of berries, clean and fresh from the fridge, waiting on the counter? Unattended bowls of berries are generally very tempting.?

In my case, I would know the berries had been prepared by my seventeen-year-old daughter for the start of her day. For the past six months, and now through summer, from when she stayed with me in my San Francisco loft to when we traveled to Zürich for her ballet intensives, mornings were always busy for us, and healthy eating was part of her ritual of preparing for days in which six-hour dance training was typical. Knowing she needed nutrition, I would leave the berries alone on the counter and start preparing matcha for us.?

That’s what typical Asian mothers do for their children. We save and give everything we can to our children. No wonder that statistically Asian students around the world perform well in and out of schools. Behind each child, there is an unwaveringly supportive mother who cares more about her child than herself, or I should say, cares “more than anything else.” Giving is the nature of parenting.??

One of the reasons my ex-husband filed a divorce against me was my investments in my children’s extracurricular activities, from piano lessons and baseball coaches to ballet lessons and travel ball, and then last summers, ballet intensives in New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, and finally Zürich. Any parent in my shoes can estimate the time and expenditure behind such efforts to support one’s children in their interests.?

Even after the divorce, I made sure my children spent time with their grandparents, who are 90 and 91 years old. Why not? I was raised by my grandparents in the middle of China’s Cultural Revolution. As a preschooler, I washed handkerchiefs for my grandfather and ran errands for my grandmother all the time. No matter what, my grandparents always saved limited supplies of milk and eggs for me because I needed the nutrition. It was rare back then for families in China to have such a luxurious breakfast everyday, and yet my grandparents always made sure I had what I needed to grow. They were, in their own way, teaching me about what it means to invest in the future. Here is a podcast about my grandfather and how he influenced my growth:

It’s now late August, the last day of my daughter’s summer in the Bay Area. At her grandparents’ house, she wakes up early to pack her suitcases for her journey back to her boarding school, Deerfield Academy in Massachusetts. The first thing she does is take berries out of the refrigerator, wash them, and put them in a bowl for breakfast before she goes to the airport.?

“It’s going to be a long day,” she thinks and sighs, knowing boarding school food is just not the same. She puts her bowl of delicious berries on the kitchen counter, goes to her bathroom, and packs her toiletries. When she returns to the kitchen, she finds the berries gone, her grandmother having put them into bowls of oatmeal. My daughter, devastated, says nothing.?

When I arrive at her grandparents’ house to pick up my daughter, she looks stressed. I think it’s just the luggage that needed to be packed. It’s not until we get into the car, leaving the house for the airport, that she bursts into tears. Poor child! And I wonder: when she grows up and becomes a mother, what she will do with a bowl of berries left on the counter.?

Professionally, we all learn about relationships and the art of “Give and Take.” Traditionally, narcissists dominate by taking advantage of people who don’t stand up for themselves. While mutually beneficial relationships strike a healthy balance, everyone is told to negotiate hard and to get the best deal they can. My approach has always been to nurture trust and to have the courage to be vulnerable because, at the end of the day, success is not about one “best deal” but a long, long relationship you can count on throughout your career.?

• A legacy is built in people’s hearts. When eventually you leave the world, the people you leave behind will always remember the things you’ve done that touched them most. It may be materialistic things or an inheritance in any form; however, material things -- the house, collections of coins and paintings, and so on -- do not always last. Memories tend to be more enduring. The memories of you and the anecdotes of your kindness will always last, will always reside in the hearts of those we leave behind, and those memories will be passed on in many, many conversations to come.?
• Whenever you call, people answer. I am truly blessed to have worked with people over two decades and still be able to reach them no matter where they may be, whether in many different countries or in many different parts of the United States, and across several industries.?
• Be you, that’s truly all you can do to make a difference. There have been times in my life when I’ve asked myself over and over again, “What could I have done better?” And the answer is sometimes “nothing,” because some decisions may not be up to me but others, as I did everything I could possibly do for a good cause.?
• Build a strong culture and value system with your team (and your family). Good teams, like strong families, are built on trust and openness. When everyone understands their role, and how that role supports the greater good, culture and values emerge. Teams, like families, begin to work together to build things that last and truly matter.

What could possibly be wrong for having your own berries in your own kitchen, right? It does seem satisfying to have a bowl of berries in front of you and forget about it. On the other hand, a bowl of berries may mean so much more to someone else. “Give and take” helps us understand cultural differences and pays off in the long run. What do you think? What would you do with a bowl of berries??