Boundary Building for the Better

In the COVID work world, emotions are both running high and feel totally depleted. Our habits are still evolving to meet new realities at the same time that we keep thinking maybe we’re approaching the light at the end of the pandemic tunnel. People are potentially more direct and honest in this new arrangement, but at times they might also be passive-aggressive and full of fear because things are uneven and unpredictable. It’s a lot to handle, and we know that. But we do have to manage it in some way.

That’s where boundaries come in. And over the last few months, I have developed a new appreciation for and re-enforcement of boundaries.

I learned about boundaries the hard way: from being young and dumb, occasionally codependent, and an entrepreneur. I also learned about them from my spouse, who is a therapist. What I’ve come to realize about boundaries is that they are amazing and also one of the last things we think about when it comes to work relationships. If we think of any boundary at work, it’s the boundary between work life and life life. We think about personal/professional boundaries, but there are so many other angles at play. There are boundaries between people, emotions, ideas, and opinions. 

Bringing a deeper understanding of boundaries to work keeps the messiness we have to embrace in people-centered cultures from overtaking us when things get hard (which they will). Boundaries allow you to be empathetic without being codependent. They allow you to see, hear, and acknowledge others without taking on their energy; and help you set appropriate filters for your emotions. Boundaries help establish how you want to be treated and how you treat others.

Boundaries can be categorized in three ways:

• Physical—personal space and touch consideration
• Mental—thoughts and opinions
• Emotional—feelings

More than these specific types of boundaries, I think it’s important to think about how they function out in the world when we’re interacting with people. Some boundaries keep your stuff—thoughts, emotions, opinions—in, and some boundaries keep other people’s stuff out. In her book “Facing Codependence,” Pia Mellody calls these containing boundaries and protective boundaries. Both are important, and both can be good or bad (as in productive and effective, or unproductive and damaging).

Keeping stuff in is related to emotional intelligence and knowing what of yourself to share with others. When this boundary isn’t managed well, you get to the overshare or “TMI” moment. We all know that person at work who shares all of their stresses, fears, or complaints about a project and, in doing so, brings down the whole team’s mood and morale. Are you that person? Do you need others around you to know every thought, feeling, and idea you have? If you’re silently raising your hand, that’s okay! You can work on it. Start by setting some boundaries.

I had one colleague who was quite toxic, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. She was a high performer, got along well with her team, and was very smart. Not a typical recipe for disaster, right? But after working at the company for a while, she admitted that she often approached change or issues at work with frustration and anxiety.

We all have first reactions, and that was generally hers. Once I heard this, I figured out why my colleague felt so toxic. She didn’t manage those reactions well—they spilled all over and onto the people around her. So while they liked her, her reactions affected others without them entirely knowing how. She didn’t know how she was affecting the team, either. While she was self-aware enough to tune in to her own emotions, she hadn’t quite connected that those same emotions— unless managed appropriately—would have a cascading effect on those around her. She needed to set containing boundaries.

Keeping other people’s stuff out relates to not allowing yourself to absorb what other people are externalizing or what you think they are putting out there. For example, when someone says, “That’s fine,” they might really mean it, and yet you could read into that F word and think, “Oh, it must not be fine. That’s the word people always use when they’re being passive-aggressive. When they really mean it’s not fine.” Instead of taking their statement at face value, you take it on yourself and maybe even adjust your own behaviors to adapt to your reaction to their reaction. See how that is so complicated? Perhaps even overly complicated? It’s because of a lack of boundaries.

I know this scenario pretty well because I am bad at keeping stuff out. If a person feels stressed, sad, or overwhelmed, I want to do something immediately to make it better. I feel it with them and step into action. If I sense that they aren’t fine when they say they are, I want to change course to make it fine. Which, in the end, probably just confuses them.

Boundaries require you to tune into your physical, mental, and emotional states. When someone lacks the containing boundary, it feels like they are spilling all over. When they lack the protective kind, it feels like they are constantly cleaning up invisible spills. All that at once creates a chaotic and messy space. There are many other nuances to the concept of boundaries and the types of boundaries that can help us at work. I focused on these because I see them trespassed, slowly worn away, or never established in the first place in so many situations.

But when you start paying attention to the flow between you and other people, how you are or are not drawing boundaries, it becomes pretty clear pretty quickly. Fixing boundaries takes a bit more time, but it’s worth the effort.

Parts of this were excerpted from my book “Work Like a Boss: A Guide to Finding (and Using) Your Power at Work.”