Boundaries: What Are They and How Do You Enforce Them?
Boundaries are the theme for today!
Everyone needs to have emotional boundaries set up for their communication with others. I realize that many folks believe that they need to be ‘nice’ to everyone because, well, your parents may have told you that growing up. However, this is not a practical way of operating in life these days, because there are many people out there who have no boundaries whatsoever, along with those who hide behind their screens as they write toxic commentary to people they have never met and do not know.
So, what exactly are ‘boundaries?”
Boundaries are created when one has a basis of what is acceptable behavior from themselves first and then those in their lives. They are very important for feeling safe, emotionally balanced, and focused on those things that are important to you.
We need to understand that other people are never going to be able to read your mind, and it isn’t their job. It is our job to let people know what we expect from them in terms of their communication with us. This is done by modeling that behavior that we feel comfortable with and calling out those behaviors that make us feel uncomfortable. I am not saying that you have the right to dictate how others think and feel while in your company, because that is totally ridiculous. What I am saying is that we need to let people know when they cross our boundaries - legitimate boundaries. What may these boundaries look like or feel like in the real world? Here are some examples to learn from:
1. You are with a friend and they are gossiping about someone that you also know and you find it rather upsetting. You set a boundary with them letting them know that in no uncertain terms you are utterly uninterested in their negative comments about anyone.
2. You are with a person and they are continuing to force their opinion down your throat because they just know that they are correct - yet, there are no facts involved maybe because it isn’t a subject that has any facts. In this case, you are going to just let them know that as they are allowed their opinion, you are allowed yours and you will agree to disagree.
3. You are with a family member and that family member is bringing up 'embarrassing to you' situations from the past (and maybe these things never even occurred). It is up to you to let that family member know that not only did you not appreciate their bringing ancient history up, worse, but they also weren’t even telling the story in the way that it occurred, at least from your perspective. Do remember that we can’t remember everything so our unconscious mind will delete many things distorting memories so two people can and will have very different memories of past events.
4. You have a friend who is always asking you for favors and then never returns any of them because you know…they are too busy doing whatever else. Guess what? That friend isn’t a friend, that friend is a ‘user’, and best to dump them out of your life.
5. You had a great friendship with someone who was really special to you for a number of years, however, there was an event (or maybe several) where that person is visibly still angry with you. You realize that this person is holding onto resentment and you allow them to be as angry as they want to be because, in reality, we can’t change anyone but ourselves. You send them love and light and get yourself onto activities and friendships that fill your soul. Many times when something like this occurs, it just means that we have moved into a different place from which we are living and that person no longer fits in - folks it is called GROWTH IF YOU ARE ABLE TO MOVE ON, releasing the other person and their anger.
6. You find yourself being dictated to, demeaned, and basically treated like a ‘lessor’ person than the other. This is a toxic relationship and as such needs to end A.S.A.P.
7. There is a person whom you love very much but can’t tell the truth - you catch them speaking out of both sides of their mouth. At the time that this is happening, you need to point out to them the double talk that they are doing and make a decision for yourself and your own sanity that maybe it is time to leave that relationship as this person has too many problems to contend with.
8. Over-talking: I used to be really bad about this myself and have worked very hard on it, but I still do it when something comes to mind that I feel is important to share given my lousy short-term memory. Over-talking is really rude - it demonstrates that you are more interested in what is going on in your own head than perhaps what the other person is saying even if you believe that what you have to add to the conversation is important. It’s best to let the person know that you have something that you want to say in response to what they just said, and allow them to stop speaking before over-talking them. It’s not at all easy to do, but that is what respectful conversation is built on.
9. Cussing: I cuss a lot - not as much as I once did, but still to some it may seem like ‘overkill.’ Some people are really offended by it, don’t like the sound of the words. In many cases when people who are more educated and are trying to make a point they use the cuss word to do a ‘pattern interrupt.’ Meaning, to throw the person listening off center and get them to pay better attention. One needs to know that it is okay to use these words with people especially one-on-one if the other person is comfortable with it. Otherwise, there is really no need to make others uncomfortable if they are religious people and refrain from using these words.
10. Shouting: There are some people who don’t even realize when they are shouting because to them it is normal for them to hear their voice that loud. However, you as the ‘receiver’ of the information is not only put off but hurt by the loud manner in which it is being expressed. I have found that many of these folks are tone-deaf to themselves so have a very hard time bringing the volume down - hearing issues may come into play here. However, if it is feeling hurtful to you, it is time to make your feelings known and if things stay the same, make a decision as to the importance of the loudness and also the messaging from that other person. It may be something you can work with and it may be something you choose not to.
11. Someone who is making fun of you and you are no longer finding it at all amusing - I have found that those who use sarcastic language towards others cannot handle it when given back to them - so many of these people are not only angry but have little self-esteem. So, you need to assess whether or not this person is someone who adds to your life or is taking away from it. I have found the when I am in a good mood I am able to make a joke about the whole situation and dispel it. When I am tired and/or fed up, I get angry back. So, it’s best for me not to spend too much time with this sort of person and that may true for you as well.
12. People who write crap about you on the internet when they don’t know you. Ignore it and block their comments in whatever way you have. The only exception to this is if you are a professional and can further educate the individual - I have found in answering thousands of questions on Quora, that the few who began disagreeing with me came around once they learned a bit more about the subject and why I took the stance I did. It is important to do this, not just for the person who left the comment, but to further educate those who will be reading through all the postings on that particular question.
13. Someone who is really affectionate and you don’t like your physical space invaded on. It is up to you to verbally let the folks with whom you interact know that you prefer them to stand a couple of feet away from you. Most people will respect that. I have had a couple of clients over the years how don’t like being hugged or touched by me or anyone else who isn’t their own partner or kid, so, that is a boundary of theirs that I need to respect. For doing so, I have been able to be of much better service and for a long period of time as various issues come up for one of these folks. She is one of my most favorite people in the world, - she just doesn’t like her space invaded and that is just fine!
14. Some man on Facebook is sending you messages of loving you, wanting to be with you, etc. You don’t know this person and find it creepy…because it is! Block them!
There are many more situations that can come up where boundaries are concerned, but these are the most common ones that I have experienced as well as the clients that employ me to help them to get along better in their communication with others.
Learning: It is your right to have your boundaries respected and so it is true that those with whom you interact deserve to have their boundaries respected by you. Do what you can on both sides of the equation to make for loving and supportive relationships with those who are in your life. If there are some folks that need to be pruned out of your life, so be it. Your gift will be to call in people who are more aligned with your values and interests.