Boundaries - new thinking

Have you ever wondered why you are comparing and viewing yourself through the lenses of other individuals, just to stand motionless? I catch myself thinking this and wanting that someone would walk along me, agree with me, or even take the initial step because I'm frightened of failing, making mistakes, and/or being judged. That's referred to as shared ownership and duty, in my opinion. I somehow feel less accountable, less condemned, and less wrong if I'm not the only one at fault.

I've realised that accepting responsibility and ownership for everything that occurs in and around me, as well as admitting when I'm wrong and failing, are all common ways for me to learn. Even though I might not be the source of a problem, I still must take responsibility for my actions and behaviours, they are mine to own.

As I learn to walk alone, learn to be my own mirror, my own comparison, and my own competition, I get to know me, the real me. I learn that whether in private or in my career one must own up, get up, show up and act. People are not perfect and will never be but the person that sees their faults, their areas of improvement and how far they’ve come, step forward with gratitude and take ownership of their own life is the person that grows, develops, and fulfills their purpose. Nobody is perfect and nobody is you and to try and duplicate the person you are, whether in private or business, is an injustice to what you bring and contribute.

One area I think we often get wrong and give ownership away is within the concept of boundaries.

As I continue to work on setting boundaries, I'm more aware of how frequently we assume this is about other people and not our own responsibility. When I first started out and heard the expression "you are not respecting my boundaries", it led me to believe that setting and maintaining boundaries is a right rather than a personal obligation. Now I know better. Boundaries are, and will still be for a while, a challenge which I practice improving on. Here are some of the applications and learnings.

• Boundaries do not prevent someone from sending you a message (WhatsApp, Messenger, Email, etc.) yet my boundary prevents ME from reading it at a time that I set aside for myself, and I choose when I read the messages. I can snooze, mute, or silence the disturbance.? That is my choice and my boundary to keep. I cannot dictate when someone sends a message, but I can CHOOSE when I receive (read) it. Control your FOMO.
• Boundaries are not something I lay on you to give you direction as to how to treat me, but it is my way to show you how and what I allow in my space by acting according to your behaviour and your beliefs in comparison to mine. I do not make your feelings and your beliefs and behaviour about me, or my own, for I respect you to be you and I filter what I draw into my space to remain the person that I am. I take responsibility for my reactions, beliefs and behaviours and what I allow into my space.
• Boundaries are not always a sign of people overstepping and mistreating or disrespecting me. It is often a sign that my boundaries were not kept by me and that they do not know where my boundary starts and ends. I am the gatekeeper of my boundaries and if the boundary fails, I failed at my task.
• Boundaries are healthy and I set them not because I want to keep you out, but because there is a time, space, and place for each person in my life. My boundaries are like a home, some I invite into my garden to enjoy the peace and quiet, some take a joyride with me in my car and others get to see and experience different rooms of my home with me. This is not because I find you less of value in my life but because I value my own life and respect you enough to know where the best places are for us to be connecting.
• Boundaries are necessary for both my personal and professional lives, and they’re not always the same
• I have the right to adjust my boundaries and change them as I grow and develop.
• Everything that happens in terms of my boundaries IS MY RESPONSIBILITY and what I do or do not ALLOW, I have the capacity to manage. It is my responsibility to learn, to grow and to keep working on MY BOUNDARIES.

Perhaps it is time to rephrase “you are not respecting my boundaries” to “I allowed you to jump and/or overstep my boundary and for that I will take responsibility.”

Boundaries become a responsibility and ownership we own up to like so many items in our lives.

Was it not William Ernest Henley that wrote (and Nelson Mandela that made this so well known…)

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeoning of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

?

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

?

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

?

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul.

Learning together in a community of collaborators and connectors.

Joanie Nel, 19 September 2024