Boundaries – A Key to Personal Power

I used to think badly about boundaries and what they meant.

It turns out that I had collapsed that distinction with the one for borders. Though I can’t recall who said this, it rings true for me: Borders are for keeping people out. Boundaries are for inviting people in.

Both are connected to one’s values and standards. Both distinguish an edge, a meaningful edge, and a delineation between two different states. Both serve to protect but in different ways. Borders declare a willingness to defend from others what is on this side of the border. Boundaries offer a willingness to accept others into one’s world if they will accommodate one’s conditions. They also provide guidance about what offers to accept or decline, while remaining consistent with one’s values.

It seems that the more cognizant I am of my boundaries, the more informed I am of the potential workability of things. I empower myself to act on and align with that information. To ignore them is to choose waste and even self-generated suffering.

Here is an example to illustrate the point.

I have a colleague Katrina (not her real name) who found herself in a dilemma. She was completing a year-long consulting project. It had been a painful experience, with a bullying CEO willing to blame everyone else for what was happening while taking no personal responsibility for her part. In her role as a consultant, Katrina was an expert set of hands delivering requested outputs (analyses, reports, etc.). While she observed senior leadership team dynamics, she didn’t have the platform or permission to share her perspective.

As the project was concluding, Katrina had been asked by the CEO to extend her consulting agreement for an additional year. Katrina had several boundary conditions to consider. On the plus side, the money was good and would help pay down her student loans. On the minus side, she didn’t enjoy the work. The CEO’s behaviors conflicted with her values. She wanted to do less consulting and more executive coaching. And she believed that coaching the CEO and her team would provide significant benefit for the organization; continuing her consulting would deliver minimal benefit and not address the issue that triggered the request for services. What’s the calculus on this?

While Katrina was sorting out her feelings and determining what decision would honor her, we discussed what mattered more to her, getting clear about what option would do a better job of keeping her integrity in. In fact, she already knew but was reticent to act.

In the end, Katrina had a courageous conversation with the CEO. She counteroffered the consulting extension with executive coaching for the CEO and team; the CEO declined. So she had more time, her integrity intact, and now has the capacity to deliver value-adding coaching. She honored her boundaries and created the space to attract what enlivens her.

What relationship do you see between the boundaries you set and your values and standards? Where do you have boundaries that need to be examined and potentially updated? What do you need to learn about setting boundaries as a form of self-care and self-leadership? About taking steps to stand for yourself?

I continue to discover how important this conversation is, relevant for our well-being. Let’s talk about it, expand it, learn more about it. Share your comments, please.

#self-leadership #designyourlife #betterboundaries