Boundaries
Boundaries are a hot topic in therapy these days.?
Some people show up to therapy sessions with no idea what boundaries are or how to set them. Other people come in because they really don't like the boundaries set for them by others. Either way, there’s something about the limitations or lack thereof that we set for others in our lives that has a radical impact on how we think, feel, and behave.?
Boundaries are meant to protect us from behaviors we find unacceptable from others. They are limits or rules for interaction. They also include the consequences when a person crosses that boundary. It becomes a very tricky subject, depending on which person you are in the relationship and how you are receiving it.?
People who are bad with boundaries often don't realize it.
The so-called “people pleasers” come into the therapy room not having a good idea of where they end and the others in their lives begin. These folks tend to be more anxious, more unsure of themselves or their decisions, and have lower self-esteem. People-pleasing behaviors can be defined as behaving in ways that ensure the other person feels okay so that the person engaging in the behavior can feel okay. A.K.A. "I will do everything in my power to put you in a good mood or I don't feel good." The ultimate goal isn’t to “please” the other person; it’s to control the other person’s emotions to protect their own. When the other person doesn't cooperate with the expectations of the people-pleaser, that's when they feel the passive-aggressive wrath. You might often hear this pattern of behavior referred to as codependency.?
On the other hand, the so-called “narcissists” don’t mind walking right across the boundaries of others. Narcissism, clinically speaking, is very rare. I have seen a majority of people coming to therapy referring to their ex-significant other as a narcissist, lately. This has way more to do with people getting their psychological information from social media than it has to do with actual narcissism.?
It tends to just be much easier to paint the other person as the villian in order to cope with the loss of the relationship than to own that it was both of your fault.
Your ex is very unlikely to be a narcissist, no matter what Tik-Tok has to say about it. I’ll say it again: it’s extremely rare. That doesn’t mean I disagree with the idea that your ex was being selfish. They are not the same.
If you want the embodiment of all sides of this particular personality coin, you don’t have to look any further than the person nearest to you with an addiction. Addicts, we’re walking paradoxes. We can be both incredibly selfish or unbelievably generous. We can lack empathy and wear our hearts on our sleeves. We are both prone to incredible survival abilities and a very high rate of death. We can sacrifice a lot of ourselves for other people, and we can lie, manipulate, and steal from loved ones.
I find myself at one moment very motivated to be kind, encouraging, and ready to do anything to help someone else. Then, there are the other times. The ones where I feel my empathy turn off. I’m short with people. I am irritable and restless and discontent. My needs don't just come first, they are the only thing that matters to me. When I was in active addiction, I would go above and beyond to do things for others and then lash out in some way if the behavior is not reciprocated (i.e., codependency). I would swing the emotional pendulum the other way and turn off all forms of empathy when using. I would act in selfish, self-serving ways that were usually at the expense of others (i.e., narcissism). For example, early in our marriage I would start an argument with my wife that would give me an excuse to leave and go to the bar. God bless her, she did not deserve to be treated that way. Part of my recovery was her setting good boundaries with me.
These behaviors don't just magically appear for people. They are learned.?
We learn them at a very young age from the people around us. Parents, caregivers, friends, and teachers all set boundaries for us in different ways. The classroom in elementary school is a great example of this. Elementary school classrooms tend to have concrete rules of behavior.
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These kinds of rules are definitely based on the goal of making the teacher's lives easier. Now, this is not a criticism of teachers or rules in general. I've worked in a classroom at a school for children with behavioral issues. I recognize and respect the need to maintain some kind of order, especially for children coming from bad situations. I'm just recognizing that the education system as a whole aims for conformity of behavior more than opportunities for interpersonal learning.
Children actually don't learn that well sitting in rows. One thing that I think is glaringly missing in the way we do public education in the U.S. is the opportunity to learn actively and interpersonally (i.e., from interacting with others). When given more freedom, children end up learning more effectively and doing a very important task for their future adult life: learning how to manage conflict. When we as adults set all the boundaries for them, children don't learn to do it for themselves.
Check out this Ted Talk about a very unique kindergarten: https://t.ted.com/aTTcnDy?
I'm sure that video probably makes some folks cringe, but I think it's important to consider alternative ways of doing school if we want to see healthier adults.?
To put the idea of boundaries into a clearer context, think of the last time someone asked you to do something that you didn't want to do because it would be problematic for you. It might be asking you to do something on a day you are already fully booked, for example. You want to say no, but you feel like you have to say yes to appease the other person. So you say yes. This is the very moment you start becoming resentful of that person.
Resentment starts where your boundaries should have been.
We miss a lot of opportunities in life to say no. And when we mean no, saying it is the right thing to do. It is a delicate balance though, because saying no every time you don't feel like doing something may be too rigid, and saying no too little is too fluid of a boundary. The middle ground for each of us is different.
Therapists struggle with boundaries, too. We are often put in positions where we want to help a person so badly it challenges our ethics. For example, we will avoid charging people late cancellation fees because we have empathy for them, but we are teaching the other person that behavior is acceptable. Even we can learn to set better boundaries as we teach others to do the same. If you struggle with setting boundaries for others, don't assume you are alone.
This is a problem for many people.
Here are my rules for setting boundaries that are helpful for me:
What would you add to the list?