Boundaries: How to Have 'Em!

Boundaries. We want ‘em! Many of us even *think* we have them, and yet we feel like they are violated all the time. 

So how do we have them, enforce them, and make them real (without feeling like we are being a total a-hole while we do it!)?

First, we have to get clear on what we want our boundaries to be. Is it work hours? How we are treated? Get specific. Then get even more specific. Boundaries are positive and focus on what you want, not what you don't want. For example: I answer emails from 9am - 5pm, Monday through Friday. 

Once we know what is important to us, then we must actually TELL people!

They can’t really exist or be enforced if no one knows about them. The only way for someone to know that they have crossed your boundary is if there is clear communication of what it is. 

This doesn’t mean we have to be a total jerk and go around declaring “I simply WON’T answer emails on the weekend, so don’t even try it, Susan!”

We fear that if we say where our boundaries exist, that people won’t like us. Here is the truth: it may actually be true. Many of the people who have been walking all over our boundaries up until this point have been getting a pretty good deal out of doing so. 

But here is another truth: You actually can’t control how other people feel about you. You can be as nice as Santa and still be hated. Other people’s feelings about us are out of our control and are usually about them, not about us.

What is worth more to you: trying to get everyone to like you, no matter the cost? Or having clear boundaries that protect your personal well-being? 

After we have stated what our boundary is, we also have to let people know what will happen if (and when) that boundary is crossed. This gives us and others a clear idea of what to expect and helps ensure we are reacting with intention, not from emotion. For example, you could say "If an email comes in after 5pm, I will be sure to get to it the following day."

Now, some of you are already freaking right out and saying “My boss will never be okay with that!”

Boundaries are simply a need expressing itself. Once you are clear on what your need is, you can use it as a starting point in negotiating a boundary that works for you and your boss.

Again, you want to be clear on what the need is and how it will be met, along with what it will look like when and if it is not.

For example; if you have a set number of hours a week that you will work (boundary) to ensure your mental and physical well-being (need). If you need to work overtime, you receive lieu days (a pre-agreed violation of boundary and how you will still get that need met).

Defining and creating true boundaries for yourself requires looking at the reasons why you have been okay with sacrificing a part of yourself and the underlying fears have validated this.

In other words, it ain’t always easy being an adult, my friend.

But having your boundaries constantly stomped on feels truly terrible, too.

So the choice is now yours: are you committed to taking care of yourself like a grown-up, or are committed to continually getting run over just to try to be liked? (HINT: You are likeable without needing to get run over in the process!) 

Want some help ‘adulting’ in your work life?

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