Boundaries & Fences

One of the most frequent questions I get is on the subject of boundaries. Or rather, the most frequent questions are actually on the LACK of boundaries. As in, "Help me create/recreate/defend my boundaries."

In several of my books, I've shared how there are two "types" of boundaries we need to consider:

1) Boundaries for self. These are the acceptable limits we set for ourselves. For example, I have a one-time-a-month bowl of ice cream because, while I love ice cream, I don't need to eat it every day. So, I set a boundary for myself with regard to the "acceptable limit" on my French vanilla topped with chocolate syrup habit;

2) Boundaries for others. These are the limits which we set to define our interactions and relationships with others. For example, I turn my phone to do not disturb while I'm sleeping. Don't get me wrong - I love to talk to people. But, you won't get the best version of me if you call at 1:00am and I'm asleep! And, this allows me to protect my sleep - so that when I do talk to you, I'm rested.

Dr. Henry Cloud talks about boundaries in his book, "Boundaries for Leaders" and explains how they help us become our best self as a leader. He shares in there three "essential processes" that our brains rely on: Attention, Inhibition, and Working Memory.

Our brain needs to be able to focus on a specific something in order to get anything accomplished. If you are driving, you need to be able to focus on THAT (attention) and not get distracted by the radio (inhibition). If you are listening to someone, you should be focusing on the conversation (attention) and avoid the distraction of checking your email (inhibition.) Working memory is "to remember and build on relevant information."

Why is this important? When it comes to relationships with other people, we need to be able to direct our attention to what matters and not get distracted by what doesn't matter or what potentially derails us.

And often, what derails us and our success are the EMOTIONS in the moment. Emotions in the moment are incredibly distracting, derailing us from our focus and detracting from the quality of the interaction. Have you ever been so mad you couldn't think? Ever been so frustrated you couldn't remember where you set your car keys? Ever been so upset you put on the wrong pair of shoes? (I once traveled to Galveston, Texas, where Mack and I were speaking and realized on arrival I had packed two left sneakers because I was on the phone with someone while packing and got distracted! Needless to say, I didn't get my run in on that trip!)

Boundaries are important both for people who don't like conflict and also for those who don't mind it. If you are the type of person who really doesn't like conflict, it's important to be able to set and defend your boundaries around conversations that could be upsetting, emotional, or where there is a lot at stake. If you don't like conflict and don't know how to establish and defend a boundary when a "difficult dialogue" situation occurs, your emotions are going to derail your thinking and that will not allow you to constructively resolve the situation. If you are the type of person who doesn't mind conflict, it's important to have boundaries so that you aren't running over the other person and destroying the relationship in the process. Which also does not allow for constructive resolution.

I tend to be more of the first type of scenario by nature - I don't really like conflict. I don't know if that's a natural tendency or one created by trauma and abuse , but what matters is that I really don't like conflict. I have to be very careful with boundaries when conflict occurs to make sure my emotions don't derail me. Here are some ways boundaries have helped me:

1) Be Proactive

Regardless of what happens or what someone else says or does, I have the freedom to choose my response. (And so do you!) If I can't be proactive and choose a positive response in the moment, the next best thing for me is to simply be quiet until I can choose a positive response. Remember, no one else has as much control over your emotions and your life as you do. Don't give someone else the remote control to your emotional radio station. Yes, someone may say something that is hurtful but you can choose NOT to get upset. This is hard to do - often, I need time to pause before I can choose the best response but I'm getting better at it. You will too with practice. Learn to establish a boundary and "inhibit" emotions! Andy Stanley reminds us, "Your feelings can be terrible leaders." It's not always in our best interest to act or speak based on emotion instead of logic.

2) Be Responsive

It's perfectly okay to tell someone, "I recognize the importance of this issue and respect your desire to talk it through. Can we schedule at time tomorrow to talk about this so I can pause, reflect, and offer you my best thoughts?" Be firm. Be respectful. But, be responsive to their concern/issue/situation. Set a boundary to have conversations when you are better prepared. Most situations can wait a least a little while. If it absolutely can't wait, then it can't wait, but much of the time, both parties are better prepared emotionally if a little time goes by.

3) Be Direct

Start by declaring your intent up front. Tell the other person you are looking for a way for EVERYONE to win. Let them know you aren't trying to manipulate or take advantage of them. (I shouldn't have to say it but I will: make sure you ARE NOT trying to manipulate or take advantage of them.) "Hey, I know you want a good outcome here and so do I." Or, "I don't want to hurt your feelings here or ignore your concern." Or, "I know we may see things a little differently and I want to honor your opinion while we talk this through."

Some of the best advice I've ever heard on resolving difficult situations is to first establish mutual goals and common ground. "Hey, we have different ideas on where to go for summer vacation but one thing we both want is to make lasting great memories, so let's explore all our options for that until we find one we both like." Set a boundary to establish common goals and mutual ground first. The rest will come much easier.

4) Be Understanding

Stephen Covey nailed this in his book, "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People," where he talked about "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." Listen first. Then, listen some more. Listen until the other person feels heard. Reflect meaning back to them to ensure you understand. Paraphrase their emotions. Set a boundary for yourself to not try and defend your position or explain anything yet. Just listen until the other person feels understood. Then once you've given them emotional space they will be better prepared to try to understand your position. This takes a lot of practice. It's really hard when you care a lot. But, it's the greatest relationship tool you will ever learn. I talk more about "Difficult Dialogue" situations in my book, "Straight Talk: The Power of Effective Communication. "

5) Be Thoughtful

Any time we have strong emotions around a topic or situation, that's an indication that we need to spend some time (perhaps not at the moment, but later) thinking through WHY that is a sensitive area to begin with. Perhaps it's associated with a painful memory - a raised voice takes me back to being a young child/teen and hearing my parents scream at each other so much of the time. Their fighting made me feel unsafe. But, now that I'm self-aware, I'm better equipped to be proactive when that feeling is triggered. I'm better able to say, "Hey, please don't raise your voice because it makes me feel like you are being aggressive." Again, this isn't something you need to do in the moment but it's worth thinking about when you have some time to explore that.

There you have it - these are the ways boundaries and fences can help you be more effective at home and at work. Like all principles, it takes some time to learn and practice them until they become an inherent part of your interactions, but just start small, practice, and try again when you make a mistake. It's only failure if you quit trying. Until you either quit or figure it out, it's simply learning. And, learning is part of the human experience.