The Boundaries Blueprint

A Tool for navigating Close Relationships

On a Monday evening, more than 20 years ago, I sat in a therapist’s office and described my conflicted relationship with my older brother. At the time, I was stuck in a painfully familiar pattern.

I’d seen this sibling a few days prior, on a visit home. I missed him, and very much looked forward to spending time with him. I don’t remember the details. He did whatever he did that particular time, and I left disappointed. Again.

This therapist, Rich, was as practical as they come. As I described the scenario, I could see light bulb flicker in his mind. He reached up from his chair for a flip chart that he kept within arm’s length. Several of the pages had drawings and writing that, it was apparent, he used repeatedly with clients in his practice.

He turned several pages to a diagram consisting of concentric circles, similar to what I refer to as the?Boundaries Blueprint.

This visualization helped me understand how I was managing my close relationships. As Rich explained the idea, I immediately saw that, in my interactions with my brother, I functioned as if it was the relationship I wanted with him, rather than the one I had with him. I was open to him as if he was the consistent, kind, and supportive brother I wanted, rather than the capricious, spiteful, and abusive brother I had.

As painful as this relationship was, and in some ways, still is, this simple illustration empowered me. It helped me see that I was creating the problem for myself. I could act like a victim and blame him all I wanted, but I had been putting myself in a position to be hurt. Once I understood what was really happening, and how I could change it, I stopped.

My brother didn’t stop being an asshole. I stopped giving him the power to hurt me.

So, this is a tool I have shared many times since. After describing it and repeatedly drawing it on legal pads in the years since that Monday evening therapy session, I decided to do something with it, to make it easier to share with others.

What are Boundaries?

Pertaining to personal relationships, a boundary is a line between you and another person. For the purpose of this exercise, the line represents what you are and are not willing to allow from a person in terms of your interactions. This includes both physical touch and emotional intimacy, or closeness. Think of what type and level of access to you a person has or should have.

To better understand the concept of boundaries, I recommend reading the work of Pia Mellody, and becoming familiar with her five core symptoms of codependence.

The Circles

Each of the concentric circles on the diagram represents a set of personal boundaries. As the circles draw closer to the center, theoretically, the greater the intimacy with the person or people in that circle.

For utility purposes, I named each of the circles in a way that makes sense to me. It doesn’t really matter what you call them. You can name them whatever works for you. The point is to see where the people in our lives are on this diagram, consider whether they belong there, and if not, decide where they do belong.

• CORE?- This represents what makes you who you are, and the information about yourself that only you know. It it sacred.
• HEART?- The people here have access to you and information about you that only those closest to you should have. This may include your life partner, significant other, or best friend.
• HUB?- Here is where your parents and siblings might belong, as well as your close friends and confidants. It’s the area for people who are close to you, but not quite close enought to belong in the HEART.
• INNER CIRCLE?- For people with access usually limited to friends and close family memberspossibly co-workers with whom you connect.
• OUTER CIRCLE?- The area where casual friends and co-workers who you like might belong.
• ORBIT?- People with whom you are acquainted.
• PERIPHERY?- People with whom you are familiar or strangers with whom you are open to connecting might be situated here.
• VOID?- The area for people you don’t know of don’t want to know, people who have demonstrated to you that they should have no place in your life, whether it be temporary or permanent.

An Exercise

Consider the current state of your close relationships. Start with your closest friends and family members. Write each of their names in the circle that corresponds with the boundaries you currently have with them. For example, before that therapy session, I had my brother in the circle labelled?HEART. This is not where he belonged. It’s where I allowed him to be.

On another page, write the names of the same people, only in the circles where it makes sense for them to be, rather than where you wish for them to belong. For example, as much as I wished my brother treated me in such a way that I could safely share the intimacy with him appropriate for someone in the?HEART?circle, he belonged in my?OUTER CIRCLE, if not in the?ORBIT.

If you’re like me, in terms of boundaries, you will already have many of the people in your life in the right place. But, you’ll find your most painful relationships are those where the person has greater access to you than they should. Keep this handy, so you can refer to it when challenges arise in your close relationships.

This articles was originally published on Substack.