Bouncing Foward

?“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” -- Maya Angelou

Recently a friend,?struggling through a painful life experience, admitted,?"I just want to get back to who I was before this all happened."

I've been there.

The anguish we experience from hope deferred, loss, and disappointment can feel, at times, as if it's too much to bear. We don't always like who we see in the mirror during tough times, the image reflecting an exhausted shell of who we once were. We miss our innocent, happy self. We?wistfully reflect?back to a time when it seemed we had no worries, our love was secure, and all was well in the world. Now, things seem bleak and dark. Common symptoms of grief are tiredness, exhaustion, despondency, and sadness, and these feelings seem as if they'll stick around forever.?

The truth is, we can't go back to who we were before tough times, because painful experiences change us. And believe it or not, it can be a change for the good.

"Storms make trees take deeper roots.” -- Dolly Parton

We know we can't avoid stress, troubles, and trying circumstances.?It's all part of the human experience, along with the good times.?As we struggle through, the goal is not to bounce back to who you once were.?Instead, strive to bounce forward.

Resilience is a competency of emotional intelligence. It is defined as?perseverance and diligence in the face of tough times. Those who are resilient know how to cope with less than ideal circumstances, despite hurdles or limited resources. They see setbacks and disappointments as temporary, and understand that failure is a launchpad for growth. They are able to stay optimistic, with hope, even when they have not (yet) figured out a solution. They understand that pain is part of the human experience, along with feelings of rejection, loneliness, and disappointment. They manage their emotions even when stressed. They are flexible and adaptable, and are resourceful in finding ways to deal with tough times. They allow themselves to make mistakes, and learn from them. They don't blame others for their unpleasant emotions or disappointments. They are emotionally mature.

You may have heard of post-traumatic stress...a mental health condition resulting from stress caused by trauma or?a terrifying life event. But have you heard of post traumatic growth? Post traumatic growth consists of positive changes which occur as a result of stress. This is the resilience we are talking about.? Similar to building physical muscles in our body, as a result of stressing or straining the muscles, repeatedly, our resilience and emotional strength can be developed through repeated exposure to emotional struggles.

?“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” -- Ernest Hemingway

An article in Psychology Today outlines the benefits of going through tough times.? The author, Jason Linder, says this: "Getting beat up by life—periodically, of course, with some time in between to recover—may just save your life. Hard times can strengthen us, and when we're strong, it increases our capacity to celebrate and enjoy our lives."

Shilagh Mirgain, Ph.D., a health psychologist, in an article, The Surprising Benefit of Going Through Difficult Times, talks about how we can use hardships as a springboard for growth. She notes, "We can begin to rebuild and construct a new foundation, often from the ground up, that is more authentic and based on who we really are and what’s important."

Even ancient scripture exemplifies the value of struggles. In the book of James, chapter 1 and verse 4, the author points out that trials produce maturity.

Think of it this way. Note your greatest accomplishment so far in life -- in other words, what have you achieved which?you are most proud of? Now reflect: Did that?success come easily, or did it take hard work and consistent effort to get there?

“No one escapes pain, fear, and suffering. Yet from pain can come wisdom, from fear can come courage, from suffering can come strength – if we have the virtue of resilience.” -- Eric Greitens

Those who struggle with resilience tend to see mistakes and failure as permanent. Instead of finding ways to solve their troubles, they often run away to hide from consequences and avoid responsibility. In relationships, they are quick to quit, to avoid the pain of doing the hard work it takes to build happy, healthy relationships, exchanging the effort for something easier. These are the people who cut others out of their lives, quickly and without a thought. They demonstrate inflexible thinking and when things get tough, predict doom instead of staying hopeful, and?give up rather than searching for solutions. They often stay stuck in the past, hanging on tightly to a negative mindset or incident. They are not comfortable with their own thoughts because there is so much damaging self-talk going on in their heads.

No shame if this describes you. Emotional intelligence competencies can be developed, and recognizing your areas of growth is a first step toward developing resilience.?

Lao Tzu, writer and philosopher, once said, "Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.” On this note, there are thought patterns which hinder developing a resilient mindset, and prevent you from bouncing forward after adversity. Noticing which of these thoughts run through your head when you're experiencing difficulty is helpful. Which of these apply to your thinking?during tough times?

• Playing the Victim?& Blaming Mentality?(your pain is?someone?else's fault)
• Should-ing (stuck on what you think "should be" vs. what is)
• Negative Filtering (magnifying the negative and filtering out the positive)
• Polarized Thinking (black and white thinking, things are either good or bad, right or wrong)
• Overgeneralization (basing conclusions on a single incident - think Chicken Little's cry, "The sky is falling!")
• Mind Reading (assuming what others are thinking rather than asking them questions with curiosity)
• Fallacy of Fairness (thinking everything in life should be fair, when in reality, it often is not)
• The Need to Be?Right (being right is more important to you than discovering the truth)
• Martyrdom (expecting rewards for your pain and sacrifice)

Note which of the above thought patterns are most prevalent for you, and try letting them go by replacing them with alternative thinking.

It is hard work to develop resilience, especially if you've been stuck in a negative mindset for years.?You may want to enlist the help of a Certified Social and Emotional Intelligence Coach to help. A coach?can walk alongside you in your resilience journey, helping you stay on the path and reach your goals. They can be especially helpful if you feel you have tried everything and are out of ideas. I love inventor Thomas Edison's words on this:?"When you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this: you haven't."?

In the meantime, here's an exercise?you can try. The following items are hurdles to resilience, ones most of us come up against when we're in a tough spot. Think about a current stressful situation in your life. Then look at the following behaviors. Write examples of your present behavior for each:

• Worrying about situations you can't control
• Failing to see choices, or having “tunnel vision”
• Being a “professional procrastinator”
• Expecting perfection of yourself and/or others
• Resisting change through inflexibility and rigidity
• Turning all situations into competitions where someone has to win and someone has to lose
• Focusing on faults rather than strengths, or being self-critical
• Failing to set limits or say “No”
• Taking poor care of yourself (not getting enough sleep or poor eating habits, stopping exercise, drinking/smoking more when stressed.)
• Expecting all problems should be neatly resolved

Now, go back and write what you could do differently for each one. What's an alternate choice you could make, which may bring you to a different outcome in this tough situation? If you need ideas, ask your coach, or find a trusted friend or colleague to brainstorm with you. This exercise can help you realize there are options, choices, and opportunities, even during difficult times. You don't have to keep choosing behaviors which cause you to feel stuck -- ones which are not serving you and others well. You can, instead, select options which lead to that post-traumatic growth we talked about.

As you build your resilience, remember this: you simply won't be who you were before the storm. There's no going back. But the journey that lies ahead, one of growth and strength and maturity, is well worth the work.?Resist the temptation to bounce back to safety, to the old you. Trials come along to reshape you into a better, healthier, stronger soul. So do the work, put in the effort, and bounce forward. You may just like who you find on the other side.

“On the other side of a storm is the strength that comes from having navigated through it. Raise your sail and begin.” -- Gregory S. Williams