About bouncing back

Resilience is something we definitely talk more about now than we did when I started my career, which is a big improvement. It's a big part of the conversation around mental health, and one of the ways we acknowledge that while workers may be at work for a reason, they do have a life beyond work and sometimes that can present challenges.

The thing about resilience, though, is that we often present it as a character trait, and I think this is a mistake.

This is something of a reflection of broader trends in society -- there are lots of things we erroneously assume are just flaws people can possess or work to avoid. One such example is laziness, and if you think you are, in fact, lazy I can recommend "Laziness Does Not Exist" by Devon Price. People who are seen as lazy are often working really rather hard: we just don't necessarily see that from the outside.

Resilience is similar. Perhaps there is a natural variation of resilience across the human race, but to be quite honest I have no idea how one would test that given that the external conditions that nurture or reduce our personal resilience vary so widely from person to person. Resilience can't just be a character trait, because with a little bit of life behind you it becomes clear that everyone has specific circumstances that challenge their resilience, and specific environments that can sap it. And some people face more of these challenges than others every single day.

The truth is that resilience is something you work for and you build. You seek it actively. And you build resilience before you need it, so that when life demands it of you it's there. Like trust, resilience builds in tasks so small you don't even notice them: that daily walk, staying hydrated, taking a break. And also like trust, however much you have invested in the details that build it, there are some events and experiences that will landslide right through your careful preparations.

That doesn't mean, however, that we are each personally responsible for our own resilience. Culture can nurture resilience. Friends and colleagues can act to make a hard time easier or, for that matter, harder. We're a social species, after all, and we rely on our social networks. It's not a personal failing to struggle to bounce back after a setback, perhaps it just means that the support you needed simply wasn't there for you.

Resilience is what carries you through life's setbacks. Sometimes these are obvious to all: health implications, grief, injury, a pandemic, a lost job. Sometimes they are mental: burnout, depression, menopause, a midlife crisis. And sometimes you want to shake yourself because why are you dipping in to your resilience so much when other people have it so much worse? Why should you find it so hard to cope with a trusted colleague moving on or a career disappointment? But there's no "should" in feelings. There's only what you feel, and how you deal with it.

When I went back to work after mat leave some ten years ago now, I was finding there was a lot to do, juggling all the extra work of parenting young children with a working life. I found myself watching baristas as they made me a -- much needed -- coffee one day, and I noticed that even though they had to work efficiently to serve the customers, some of the things they were doing weren't directly about making coffee faster. They would pause to rinse out utensils in the hot water, or to re-fill a milk jug. Little tasks of maintenance that would make the next customer that bit easier to serve. I remember reflecting that had to be my way through: working those tasks through the day that would make everything else a little easier. And sometimes, in life, those tasks are rest.

I've had cause to think about resilience lately. Life has thrown me my share of challenges over the last few years. I don't know if I'm particularly resilient naturally, but I've faced those challenges and I'm still here. I think being uncompromising about my little rituals for building resilience is one reason why. Although I do think I could be better at making space for real rest and recovery when things are hard, instead of struggling on. Sometimes all the daily walks and staying hydrated in the world isn't as good as some proper rest.

In a previous job one of the values was "efficiency", and I think being efficient -- or being productive -- can work against resilience. Resilience builds when we find time to rest, to connect with others, to play. Accomplishing our to-do list doesn't contribute to our resilience. Businesses want efficient staff, of course, but it is extremely short-sighted to sacrifice resilience and long-term effectiveness for short term gains. This is one reason why I said casting resilience is a character trait is a mistake: if environments can strengthen or drain resilience then we need to set up our environments to promote resilience, not merely lecture our people.

I'm going to close this little essay out with a final observation about mental resilience. I find that mental resilience is built from compassion. Compassion towards others, yes, but also compassion towards yourself. Compassion says that it's okay to rest when we're tired; compassion says that done is better than perfect and some is better than none. Compassion says not just that it's okay to be flawed, but that flaws are human and humans are marvellous. You can practice compassion -- to yourselves and to others, and sometimes you need to. After all, it's not easy, being compassionate. I find thinking up compliments about the people around me, especially strangers, to be a good way to practice. If you're in a place where you find you need your mental resilience, it might be worth giving it a go.

Besides, the world needs more compassion.