Bouncing Back from Negative Nags

“Will you take money to your death bed?” you hear when you are seeking financial freedom

“Is your dream more important than everyone else?” you are asked when are investing time and effort in your dreams.

“You are unable to succeed because your attitude is not right” is claimed when you have taken a new path and are still learning.

“One day, you will be left alone because nobody would care for you” is declared when you chase your dreams like crazy

“I have never seen a person so selfish and insensitive like you” is their complaint when you are focus hard on your ambition and are left with less time for others

Do you hear these negative statements (I call them nags) almost every day in your life? Do they make you feel pressured and depressed? If they do, then you are in a problem.

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It is not the problem faced by people who are obedient, unambitious, and lack goals in life but those who want to achieve something and strive for it. They understand that every achievement requires effort and time. They are ready to do whatever it takes to reach their dreams.

When your dreams take your time, you are often unable to give time to others. In such a situation, you negotiate with people around you on time you can give them. Ideally, you can expect them to understand you who is ambitious and full of potential to grow big and appreciate your chase towards a dream. Who would not like to be with a person who is talented, ambitious, hardworking, and influential?

However, the reality is something very different. People who look powerful on the face are actually the ones who are fighting with adversities every day. And the biggest challenge for them is that people around them never understand them or their dreams. They are always doubted, questioned, and scolded until they become what they were born to become. While others have to only fight with a few to get their mild growth, people who look for more in life have to fight more with the people closest which is harder than fighting the enemies like a Gladiator. With enemies, you can be ruthless but when you have to fight with your own people, the fight often becomes a fight with yourself.

It is an irony so stupid - When people feel less about themselves, their families and friends start to encourage them and push them hard. But when they become ambitious and self-driven, the people around feel neglected, not needed, and in their fight for attention, instead of encouraging, they start a train of nags and complaints. Some people know how to fight these nags and bounce back every time, keeping their focus on their goals, never bothering what others say. However, most of us are emotional, and reaching that stage of dedication where nothing else matters is not easy for us to achieve.

We often find ourselves stuck in the mud of emotions that are pulling us from everywhere, not letting us grow at the speed we want to grow. And the worst part is that we cannot even talk about it despite it giving us the same level of stress that we may face at work. Work pressure is what the world talks about but the emotional pressure that you get from people around you is rarely noticed.

But this is the phase that you have to cross and if you do not know how to then you have to learn. It is not going to be easy but it is not even impossible. We can see so many examples around us who have done it and who are doing it. We may not have a peek into their inside stories so we may not know but they have gone through the same struggles before they made it big. Listen to the success stories of these people, hear them out, or read their accounts of life and you will know that I am right. No struggle is new but only wrapped in a different cover by a different person living in a different setting. This means that you have hope because you can learn from those who have crossed the ocean of struggles and then, walk on your own path growing stronger.

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Being a psychology student, I know why it is so difficult to ignore these nags. Our conscious mind is the one that we control and we keep telling it to focus on what is desirable and important and ignore the negatives, but we also have a subconscious mind that is not in our control. It is that part of our mind which controls us.

When a conscious mind hears these negative strokes, it decides to ignore them because we decide to ignore them. However, our subconscious is still listening which creates a big hole in our heart and we do not know why we are feeling less or depressed even when consciously we are trying our best to stay strong.

Our subconscious mind is repeating the program that is created by others and despite we closing the door for their entry. They sneak into our heads from the backdoor which is our subconscious and it is nearly impossible to close. So, what do we do?

While we may not have a trick up our sleeves to stop nags and their entry in our brain, we do have one amazing weakness of our brain. Yes, a weakness that is normally considered as something not good but in this case, it can actually do well to you.

Your mind has the capacity to focus only on one thing at a time and everything else is noise to it. The moment, you hear a nag and give it even slight attention, your attention gets shifted, your subconscious gets affected and you get affected too. But what if you never focused on what they have to say but only on what you feel is important? With a laser focus on your dreams, will you even be able to hear what the world is talking about you?

If you are worried about why people don't understand you and keep complaining 24 hours, you could feel depressed. But know this - If they are taunting and continuously complaining, it means you have an influence on them which is why they are focused only on finding your faults and not on themselves. If their focus is on finding your faults, where should your focus be?

Daniel Goleman, in his book “Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence” says, “Through an optical illusion of our mind, we typically register the end products of attention – our ideas good or bad”.

When people around us are talking bad about us, and we attend to their thoughts, not focusing on ours, the result is that we see ‘bad’. So, we feel bad. It would not even matter if whatever they were saying was not intended to make you feel bad but instead was a genuine complaint. Too much complaining makes you feel bad every time and it grows in its intensity till you explode your relationships. One way to avoid all this from happening is letting them speak but not taking in their thoughts by shifting your focus.

The negative nags will and should not affect you as long as your focus is not on your faults but only on your dreams, learning, goals, and growth. So, shut yourself down to any negativity that can bother you and keep your focus on the things that matter.

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Someone once said that darkness can only be fought with light so, instead of trying to fight the darkness, light one candle. The same goes with our fight between conscious and subconscious mind. Focus on the lights in your life instead of nags and drags. Switch on as many bright bulbs as you can to create light in your life. Your focus will automatically shift and everything else which is not important will become noise that is never heard.

A couple of days back, I was feeling very depressed for people around me always take me wrong. A hundred thoughts were bouncing in my head and I was unable to focus or be calm. The pain was no more virtual or imaginary but had become physical because of the stress that was building up. I went to my garden with my kid and sat on a swing. While I was sitting there, my 7-year-old was humming his favorite tune, not talking for he understood I needed space. After a few minutes of silence, I told him that I have so many thoughts in my head that are troubling me, and asked him how do I get rid of them? A 37-year-old independent woman was asking a very silly question to a 7-year-old boy. I felt funny inside and yet I asked him anyway.

He was not shocked by the question but respected it. He said, “you have so many dark bulbs in your life. Do you not have some good ones also?”

“I do,” I said, “You are my only good bulb”

So he said, “Then why don’t you light some more good bulbs, and then darkness would be gone”.

I literally felt like crying and hugged him hard. The little unbiased, unafraid, innocent mind reminded me of the big lesson that I had long forgotten. And then I sat with him and counted the good bulbs of my life. I found that I had more sources of light than I thought and yet, why I was not able to feel good was because I was ignoring them.

I counted –

Music makes me feel good but I rarely play it.

Singing makes me feel calm but I am not singing most times.

Nature energizes me but I am sticking to the four walls of my room.

Friends make me feel better but I am not talking to them much.

Dancing makes me feel free and happy but I never dance.

If we divide every stroke or stimulus that we receive every day into good and bad bulbs then we know that the only reason we could be depressed would be the existence of more bad bulbs and not taking efforts to switch on the good ones.

The next day, I called some of my friends who made me feel better. I played my favorite song, “I am Alive” the next morning as soon as started working on my laptop. In fact, instead of my alarm waking me up, I put a beautiful melody to stir my sleep. I wrote some new lyrics and sang them wholeheartedly and also danced on them.

This day was different! The nags did not stop, the questions did not disappear but my focus shifted from darkness to light. And that was when I felt whole and myself.

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If you feel that life is too hard and your hardships are stopping you from living your dreams, do three things –

1.     Ask yourself if you are focusing on what others want you to focus on or on yourself and your dream. If your focus is not at the right place, shift it to things that really matter.

2.     Take a careful look at your life and see if you have forgotten to switch on your good lights. If you are ignoring them, stop to look at them, and then, switch them on before you move.

3. Keep listening or reading words and stories of the successful and you will find some nuggets of wisdom for yourself.

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