Bouncing Back from Meeting Mishaps: 3 Steps to Tame the Inner Critic & Regain Your Confidence

Have you ever left a meeting and thought to yourself, “I can’t believe I said that!” Perhaps you misspoke or maybe you didn’t articulate your ideas as clearly as you’d hoped. This happens to all of us from time to time. The way we process this experience, however, is different for those of us with perfectionism, impostor syndrome and other forms of anxiety.

For us, that moment plays on an endless loop, distracting us from other focus areas. Our inner critic tags the experience as evidence of our inadequacy, shouting, “See? I knew I wasn’t good enough.” If you’re like me, it may even keep you up at 3am – that time of night when everything feels bigger and scarier than it actually is.

These moments, though fleeting, consume a disproportionate amount of our attention. Not only do we ruminate about them, but we assume that everyone around us is judging us as well. This undermines our confidence and makes us more hesitant to contribute next time around.

As agonizing as our responses are to these experiences, there is a reason we do this to ourselves. In previous posts, I’ve talked about the brain’s tendency to perceive social threats (i.e. failure, rejection and humiliation) as danger. When we encounter these threats, they activate our fight or flight response, arming us for survival as though we were being attacked by a bear in the wild.

Unfortunately, our fight response often turns inward, taking the form of the inner critic. The inner critic’s job is to keep us safe from the proverbial burning building. How it does so is mean and nasty by design – you wouldn’t heed its warning if it were kind and gentle.

In actuality, these are not true threats. But these moments will forever be flagged as dangerous in our brains’ databases of experiences. So what do we about it? How do we keep this well-intentioned but disruptive response from destroying our confidence?

Here are three steps to consider:?

1.??Get over yourself.

I know that sounds harsh, but it’s intended as a form of liberation. Years ago, at the peak of my anxiety, I shared with my therapist the fears I had about what others were thinking of me. Her response was, “Kim, you are the center of your universe. You are not the center of the universe. Nobody thinks about you as often as you think they do.”

That message left me with an overwhelming sense of relief. And, since then, I’ve come to recognize that very little of our attention is given to others’ missteps. When was the last time you came home from work and thought to yourself, “Wow! I can’t believe Liz didn’t know the answer to that question!”? Instead, you shamefully revisited your own slip-ups.

A client once shared with me her experience coming to this realization. When asked to present at a meeting, she scrutinized every facial expression, looking for signs of judgment or disapproval. When her presentation ended and the next person began to speak, she immediately shifted her attention to what was next on her calendar. Suddenly, she thought to herself, “I’m barely paying attention to this speaker. Why would I assume that everyone in the room was hanging on my every word?”?

We all, of course, want to feel seen and heard. But take comfort in knowing that it is highly unlikely that anyone is evaluating you the way you think they are.

2.? Find the lesson.

When we feel disappointed in ourselves, it’s important to show ourselves self-compassion and keep things in perspective. But there also may be ways in which we can grow from the experience. We replay these moments because our brains are determined to protect us from ever stepping into this perceived danger again. The most effective way to give your brain peace of mind is to actively seek the lesson that will prevent this situation from arising again in the future.

If, for example, you felt unprepared to respond to a question, you could continue to beat yourself up over the embarrassing incident. Or you could ask yourself, “How can I prepare differently in the future to avoid repeating this situation?” If your manager is a stickler for details, preparing differently might include clarifying in advance what types of information you should bring with you to best address their questions. This approach will allow you to best align with the interests of the audience.

On the other hand, you may be asked questions that you never could have anticipated. In this case, the best way to prepare is to have a plan for what you will do in that moment. If you prepare for what you’re most afraid of, you will inevitably feel more confident and in control.

3.??Slow down.

One of the reasons we say or do things we regret later is because we’re moving too fast. In our quest to manage our never-ending to-do lists, we find ourselves reacting rather than responding to others around us. Slowing down to think about how we want to show up can proactively ensure that we don’t end up kicking ourselves later.?

To build this muscle, practice pausing before you speak. Take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts before you rush into your message. Taking a sip of water is an ideal pause button that buys you time.

Additionally, speak slowly. When we get nervous, we tend to speak very quickly. This fuels our anxiety and signals to others that we are not in control of our message. Pacing your speech ensures that your thoughts and spoken words stay in sync, which strengthens your confidence and overall presence.?

It’s human nature to kick ourselves when we don’t meet our own expectations. But self-flagellation and rumination will not help. Instead, incorporate these three steps to manage your inner critic and boost your confidence.

Kim Meninger is a leadership coach, consultant and TEDx speaker who is on a mission to make it easier to be human at work. She believes that what holds us back in the workplace is rarely our ability to do the work itself – it’s the fears, doubts and insecurities we bring to our interactions with others. Connect with Kim to learn more about how she can support you and/or your team.