Bouncing back from difficult feedback
Ali Merchant
| Executive coach | Leadership advisor | Former Head of L&D | Founder of All-In Manager
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You’re in a meeting with your manager when you suddenly hear:??
“I have some feedback for you.”
What’s the first?thing that goes through your mind?
Do you start freaking out? Or?do?you ignore it?
There are?plenty of books and courses?on how to?give?constructive feedback, but?not enough on receiving constructive feedback.?
If you want to get better at receiving feedback, I wholeheartedly recommend "Thanks for feedback."?I've read?it multiple times, and today I'm sharing some incredible research from this book.
According to two Harvard Law School lecturers, when we get difficult feedback, our brains can trigger up to 3 different types of reactions:?truth, relationship, and identity.
?
1. Truth Triggers:?
Truth triggers are set off by the substance of the feedback itself.?If you receive feedback you believe lacks truth or accuracy, you may be?experiencing a truth trigger.
When we register a truth trigger, we tend to ignore the feedback because it challenges our version of truth (not what might be the truth)
Imagine getting this slack from your boss:?
You can say this, but I doubt this helps either of you figure out what's going on. I bet it?makes it worse.?
Experiment: Optimize for curiosity over judgment.
?OR
Your goal is to get your boss (or whomever) to clarify their feedback. The only way they can do that is if you get curious and ask questions.?The following three questions will help you look past the feedback fog?to give you more clarity.?
?? "Help me understand your feedback better."
?? "I'm curious. Please say more."
?? "Tell me more."
领英推荐
Don't assume you know what your boss is thinking.?Chances are you don't.?The only way to get inside your boss's brain is by asking them to share more. The more specific your question, the better.
?
2. Relationship Triggers:?
When?you get feedback from someone you don't trust or find credible, you might be registering a relationship trigger.?
Relationship triggers are tripped by the person who is giving the feedback. With this trigger, the relationship between the giver and receiver is causing challenges rather than?what is being said.?
When we register a relationship trigger, our focus shifts from the feedback itself to the audacity of the person delivering it. Here's an example:
?
Experiment: Separate the “what” from the “who”
One way?to overcome the relationship trigger?is to separate the content of the feedback (being on time) from the?real?issue (the giver is also late) by?trying this:
[Disclaimer:?Conversations like this are hard, that's why most?people don't engage in them.?Sadly, if we don't engage, the problem continues to persist. Chances are it gets worse]
Next time you get hit by a?relationship?trigger, I want you to ask yourself:?“What’s the dynamic between us, and how are we each contributing to this problem?"
3. Identity Triggers:
The Identity trigger is neither about the giver nor the feedback. It's?about our identity. When our identity gets triggered, we don’t think about our strengths and weaknesses, all we think about is our survival. Our brain gets flooded with thoughts like these:?
?
Experiment:?Remind yourself that you?get?to change.?
Some (most?)?of us?tie our self-worth to our position. When our position is under attack, it drags down our self-worth in the process. With practice, you?can?get in front of it. Here's one way:?
Regain balance by seeing feedback for what it is?—?Information about the behavior, not about the person behind the behavior. Also, what’s helpful is to rightsize your feedback by reminding yourself: "This feedback hurts. But I also know I can get help and improve" vs. "No matter how much I try, I’ll never be able to improve.?
When it comes to identity triggers, we become our worst enemies instead of becoming our best friends.
I'll finish with my favorite line, "Your compassion is incomplete if it doesn't include yourself."?
Keep leading.
Ali
On a mission to change the culture of sales; for businesses & customers alike - Discover how to Convert more prospects; quicker | Simplify your sales process & Increase your profits.
2 年Asking questions when we receive negative feedback is a great way of shifting how we assume the message was meant, to getting clarity on what they mean. Often when you do this the person giving the feedback feels a need to soften the message and be more supportive, they almost have to explain to you why they said what they said Ali.
Founder and CEO @ IntelliCoach Pte Ltd ? ICF-accredited coaching skills training for Leaders & HR Professionals ? Exec Coach ? ICF PCC Coach ? SHRM-SCP ? Father of 4 ?? ? Rooted in ???? & ????
2 年Hi Ali, great write-up. I agree….the fact of feedback itself triggers, especially identity and self-image. But gladly we don’t have to be reactive to our triggers, but can learn to take a step back and noticed that the feedback DID trigger us. Making the shift to be able to handle feedback this way is enormous!
Coach & leadership trainer for managers, entrepreneurs, and executives | Culture & alignment coach for scale-up teams | Former software engineer
2 年Identity is a huge part. And the truth trigger ties into identity. The truth challenges what I always thought about myself and í'm not okay with that -> Understanding this and being open to the idea that one is a fluid personality, makes taking feedback wayyy easier.