Botox for Brains

You would be forgiven your skepticism if I told you I had a solution to our national woes. I would even be slightly disappointed if you didn’t laugh in my face when I told you this solution involves an innovative use of science. However, when I tell you just why it is that brain scanners can lead to our salvation, I think you’ll all agree I’m onto something.

I was sitting in front of my TV, watching the newest trend in the local cable circuit: the talk-show circus. As I sat poised catlike for inspiration to hit, I observed the presenter of a popular talk-show make an unprecedented move. He brought out a number of contrabands (I think we understand what reality this slippery euphemism is pointing towards) and proudly presented them to, wait for it, the interior minister. This performance was supposedly to make a point, although it’s debatable whether he was making a point or scoring a point. As the interior minister sat dumbfounded, the stage for the discussion was set, and its conclusions wearily predictable. Pakistan is corrupt on the whole, and for the right price it’s pretty easy to find malleable laws. The august panel noted that rather than pointing fingers at individuals, we need to recognize that every Pakistani is nanga in this hamaam.

After watching half a dozen of these talk-shows (strictly for research purposes), it struck me that our intelligentsia at least agree on one thing: the mindset of the people needs to be changed if we are to eradicate the evils that plague our country. We need more morality. It is surely encouraging to find people entrusted to do the thinking on our behalf finally agreeing on a matter of extreme national importance. But the consensus only goes so far. Whilst everyone agrees things have got to change, there is almost no agreement on how to actually bring about this change. Herein lies the problem.

Some suggest accountability and punitive measures, others say educating the masses is the only solution, a few believe that the answer lies in effective use of information technology, a vocal coterie of clerics say that salvation lies in the strict enforcement of sharia, and a couple (well, one lunatic who shouts things on the end of my road) convincingly argue that electrocuting our roads is the best way out. The immediate effect would be that only creatures who wear rubber soled shoes survive, and our hoofed relatives will be forced to roam away from our thriving thoroughfares. Once the bovine element of the city is gone, morality will inevitably follow. Perhaps we can dismiss this last solution.

Several attempts to firm up the moral fiber of our society based on the above assumptions have been made over the years but to no avail. Our morality index continues to lose points at an alarming rate. If the trend continues, we are at risk of finding ourselves morally bankrupt, I fear, in a not very distant future.

Thus faced with a tight-deadline for moral decimation, I turned back to the talk-shows, and revelation struck. Where social sciences and theology have failed to improve our lot, let us turn to medical science. Specifically, neuroscience.

Like all other medical conditions, the way to eliminate unhealthy ethics is to start with corrective measures and then move on to preventive measures to ensure that the condition does not ever surface again. There are a number of quick fix solutions available. For instance, American scientists have developed a brain scan that can detect people harboring racial prejudice. This is truly an amazing discovery. In America, a nation simmering with racial tensions, this brain scan could help law enforcement agencies to detect candidates with racial bias during the selection process and may yet pave the way for racial harmony.

This discovery (as yet unnoticed in Pakistan) could very well be the solution to our immediate problem. Any one of the groups of people vying to change things around here can approach these scientists and ask them to develop a tailor-made scanner for us. These multi-dimensional scanners can be employed to screen greedy politicians, lecherous bureaucrats, and corrupt employees and so on. A wealth of possibilities awaits. It is in our national interest to channel some of our forex reserves accumulated over the last three years into funding these research projects.

Weeding out the unwanted elements from our society is not the only benefit one would get out of funding these projects. Consider medicines or procedures that will allow us to alter the way a person behaves. As William Safire writes, “tomorrow we can expect a kind of Botox for the brain to smooth out wrinkled temperaments, to turn shy people into extroverts, or to bestow a sense of humor on a born grouch. But what price will human nature pay for these nonhuman artifices?” Surely Mr. Safire is right in saying that but then what does he know? Pakistan needs smoothed out temperaments and an infinite supply of humor – price be damned.

So far we have only looked at corrective action, how about preventive measures? The answer lies in “reprogenetics”, a term coined by Princeton biologist Lee Silver. Reprogenetics is the corporate name for ‘made-to-order’ babies. Still in its infancy, reprogenetics could be the answer to our prayers. Consider, a whole generation of reprogenetically produced babies with “a sparkling personality, brains and beauty”. All we need to do is to assign someone, say the National Reconstruction Bureau, to take up this matter of extreme national importance. The only requirement left would be the World Bank’s blessing and we would be on our way to leaping ahead of the rest of the world in record time. A brave, good world is just a prescription away.