Borno Floods - No Cause For Control

By Tunde Asaju

President Bola Ahmed Tinubu was expected back in Abuja last Sunday. The president

has been on casual leave to visit London, the capital of the United Kingdom. While

there, he found the time to visit a relative that works in St. Mary’s Hospital. Not to worry

people, he did not spend public funds on this visit, so nobody should be asking why he

went there; what he did there and what the visit cost Nigerian taxpayers.

It is true that he flew out in the spanking brand-new presidential jet because truly, that

jet would rust if it’s not used. Thank heavens, the president was kind enough not to ask

the Navy to float his beautiful Cadillac Escalade for the trip. Imagine adding the cost of

that to the national debt. Tinubu is not like those showboat American presidents. They

fly their luxurious Beast everywhere they go. This is why stingy American bureaucracy

charge occupants of the White House for any personal pleasures they get on Air Force

One. Our own president and his usually large entourage fly free of charge.

Leaving the presidential Escalade behind must have been disappointing for the

president's official driver, the only patriot that never gets to earn estacodes in this era

where the Naira is fighting for its value against the tissue paper. We pray always that

God rewards his patriotism in other ways and that the chief of staff does not expect him

to wait for his reward in heaven. This is because even teachers that used to deposit

theirs in Jannah have learnt to lock their classrooms for their shares here on earth.

People on presidential watch list think that the president is inconsiderate but patriots like

us know that èmi Ló kàn is better than the best things since boiled yam. I was hoping

that Alangubro Babagana Zulum, the Borno State Governor would be at the airport to

welcome back the president.

It takes a compassionate president not to declare an Obj-styled state of emergency on a

state whose state capital is 70% submerged in water due to official negligence. Like a

village headmaster, President Obasanjo once suspended elected governors until some

silly justices ruled him out of order. We may be unaware of where the next state-induced

disaster strikes, but we all know that presidents are always right.

Zulum the dynamically inactive Governor chose to expose residents of Maiduguri to the

wrath of nature. A few years ago, the 38-year-old Alau Dam situated a few kilometers

from Maiduguri gave a warning about the havoc it could cause if its weakened dykes

were left in disrepair. A proactive governor would have fixed the problem, but Zulum

prefers to banish the reportage of negative news to fixing broken dams.

Most of you would agree that the ancient headquarters of the powerful Kanuri empire

has had its fair share of bad news. Boko Haram wanted its caliphate established there

and even seized a few local governments for test run. The disaster feasting media

mistook descended on the state like vulture on carrion spurning bad news like Katsina

ginnery in full blast.

The narrative did not change until the governor disbanded the bad-news-spinning

internally displaced people’s, IDP camps, banishing all the non-governmental

organizations, NGOs feasting on disaster in the state. With gubernatorial fiat, Zulum

declared Borno free from insurgency. Since then, you only read about what the

government is doing. No longer bad news.

So, when some killjoy reporters started insinuating that Alau dam might burst its banks

and overrun the state capital, Maiduguri, Zulum dismissed the rumour. In Nigeria, if you

ignore a negative issue long enough, it changes status to positive. This usually happens

especially when money meant to fix things have been allocated to those that would do

nothing to fix them. It is rumoured that Borno ecological fund, meant to mitigate such

disasters had been ‘disbursed’. Despite the ban on bad news, alarmists and doomsday

prophets kept saying that Alau Dam would break its peaceful agreement with Maiduguri

and its surroundings.

Zulum sent a high-powered delegation to check things out and like good news scouts,

they returned with the verdict that – everything is under alarm, no cause for control. So,

Borno and Zulum went back to sleep. That was until Tuesday night when Alau dam,

without notice decided to burst its banks. Lawful citizens were dreaming on their mats

when they felt as if a bout of mass enuresis had enveloped the city. Before they could

say ‘not my portion’, some had swallowed murky water and chocked on it.

By the time some realized what was happening, 70% of the city had been submerged.

By sunrise, escapees thought they had been passengers on Noah’s ark. Figures

authorized by the government showed that nearly 40 disposable humans who failed to

pass their elementary school swimming lessons had been washed away. For a town

which traditional architecture is mud-based, several houses, homes and businesses had

been submerged while cars not equipped with floaters had been swept off or entombed

in mud. Eventually, Zulum’s decree against disaster could no longer hold.

With tears in his eyes, the governor briefed newshounds that he could not account for

the whereabouts of boko haram commanders held in Maiduguri’s high security prison. If

Alau dam had not broken its agreement not to submerge the city, the governor could

have issued a decree for the prisons to float with its high-priced prisoners. Sadly, the

governor would now have to contend with parachute reporters to feast on Borno’s diet

of disasters and wars. They have been filing sad copies to their editors across the

globe.

The sad part is how this flood has had no respect for anything and anyone. It even

inundated the palace of the Mai of Borno. Some swear that it attempted to take over

Government House. As we write, no member of the investigating team that reassured

Maiduguri residents that everything is under alarm has resigned. Zulum has refused to

sack them, because Borno could not afford to lose them. If Vice-President Kashim

Shetima had not inherited General Tunde Idiagbon’s stone-face, we could have read

sadness in his countenance as he waddled through the waterlogged palace of the Mai

of Borno. He kept his stone-face all through.

As bad as disasters seem, in Nigeria, they come with significant blessings. They open

the window of opportunities for government contractors to make quick money. While

victims count their loses, hands cupped in thanksgiving for the preservation of life,

government contractors smile to the banks becoming statistics of the greatness of our

ruiners making billionaires through it all.

In the end, the caravan of news moves to other predicted disaster zones led by sleeping

governors. There must be some element of truth in what Saint Abdul’aziz Abubakar Yari

said during the 2017 meningitis outbreak in Zamfara that it is divine punishment for

unbridled fornication. Zulum could be in consultation with mullahs for the divine

explanation of this man-made disaster. After all, when it comes to mitigating disasters in

Nigeria, there should be no cause for control, as everything is usually under alarm with

apologies to Nike Adelegan, who first used that phrase to my hearing. Nigeria, we hail

thee!