Born in 1982 Emotional Health

This is going to sound pretty radical but I do understand why a lot of married couples get divorced after having children.

Now that I’m in my early forties I see the icky stuff that comes up around being on autopilot helping your kids with their needs and neglecting the relationship and person right in front of you. As a couple you're supposed to be the model for your children but also find ways to not be transactional and find little ways to like each other.?

My parents poured a lot into us. A LOT. They sacrificed a great deal and gave all they could emotionally and monetarily, often at the expense of their mental health and careers.

Their generous hearts gave and didn’t want to be a burden or ask for help.?

I didn’t see a lot of moments of them going out as a couple growing up. It was about us and the family. Working on the partnership was not necessarily something I witnessed.?

I honestly didn't feel the mental health of my parents was acknowledged. If you were depressed or having anxiety, they didn't necessarily cope with those types of feelings. I could tell that our family was not a big fan of medication and also had fear around anything related to uncomfortable feelings. It felt like mostly everything was fairly black and white. It wasn't until my early twenties when I got into therapy on my own for myself that I learned that you could have a few different feelings or emotions at the same time and that was ok.

As a kid, it felt like I was mostly performing to be a good kid. To oblige to what we were doing, not ruffle the sheets, and follow through on what was asked of me. But, all of us have lots of feelings and we are emotional beings so why do we suppress them so much? I often observed my parents suppress and stuff their feelings. Maybe because they didn't have space for it themselves. I sometimes heard them call it 'situational' depression. I didn't know that I was going to be tee'd up for postpartum depression and anxiety when I was going to be a mother but I was certainly a candidate.

I did eventually fall through the cracks of the health system because I came from a background growing up where mental health still held the stigma. I also truly believe I tried to 'front load' and 'fine' my way through what was coming up. I tried to be strong like my mom and not face those feelings. I don't blame my parents and I can understand and see that when I look at their friends and generation, I see similar trends and themes. Pushing through their emotions, working very hard, and wanting to do it all without much help. And that’s ok, they have their lens from their experience growing up and parenting. That said, because mental health went unattended, I played the role of a pseudo-therapist and listener of all things emotionally tied to their hearts growing up.

While this is a gift, it’s a lot to hold.?

So today, I’m forty years old with three young kids, and my top areas I now focus on with no surprise are;?

1. Maternal mental health?
2. Burnout Recovery and prevention?
3. Coaching, therapy, and support?
4. Building a Village and community?
5. Partnership (growing, evolving, and working on it)?
6. Financial awareness?

When you become an adult, you get to choose your path, what you want to re-write, and what you don’t want to pass to your kids. #cyclebreaker .?

So, as #workingparents , I often talk about how there's always a lot on fire in the background. One day it's your marriage. One day it's the kids. One season or few years, it's all of it. Mental health. Careers. Job changes. Moves. Growing families. It's a lot to process at once and I often think you're growing and moving through it while it's also the busiest most intense time of your life. I'm not even sure how I've been able to distill some of this out. I will say, when you're ready, you can start to look at one area. For me, it was getting back to basics after each kid. I had to make internal choices and decisions on how I was going to plan for my recovery, health, and forward steps. It didn't happen overnight and through the pandemic, a layoff, and having my third child, I'm grateful that I'm building a life based around wellbeing and that's my biggest wealth.

If you find yourself in the messy middle of life and career, you're not alone. I believe?#workingmoms ?need support. They need to be seen. Sometimes the model wasn't there. No judgment.??And this generation is grappling with the change. We are doing it. We are living it.??

So if you're in the throes of scrappy and messy self-care, I'm with you.??

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