"Border/line Bonkers"

Impeachment Hearings Promise Mayorkas a Siesta He Won't Soon Forget

Get ready for fireworks, folks, because Washington's about to throw the hottest bipartisan bash since that awkward toga party where Senator McFluffinface tripped and mooned the British ambassador. Why? Because our fearless leader of the unlocked door, Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, is officially on the menu for Impeachment Thursday!

That's right, your friends on the House Committee on Homeland Security have been busy brewing a spicy investigation into Mayorkas' border buffet, where the "all you can eat" specials include record-breaking illegal crossings, enough fentanyl to fuel a narwhal rave, and enough coyotes to start their own mariachi band.

"We've been watching this fiesta unfold all year," winked a committee spokesperson, adjusting their "Make Borders Great Again" sombrero. "Over 302,000 uninvited guests in December alone? That's more than a Cinco de Mayo hangover, y'all. Time to revoke Se?or Mayorkas' VIP pass to the open border buffet."

Democrats and Republicans, united for once by their love of secure borders and a good ol' fashioned political brawl, are joining forces to grill Mayorkas like a jalape?o popper. Expect sizzling questions about why our immigration system resembles a game of whack-a-mole after tequila shots, and why the only wall getting built these days is the one between Mayorkas and his job.

So dust off your popcorn, tune in to C-SPAN (the only channel where drama is guaranteed to be realer than reality TV), and get ready to witness history. Because whether Mayorkas gets the boot or not, one thing's for sure: this Impeachment Thursday is going to be hotter than a habanero margarita on a Texas summer day. Just try not to choke on your popcorn when Mayorkas pulls out his secret weapon: the world's largest rubber stamp labeled "Executive Order: Tacos for Everyone!"

Mark your calendars, folks, because January 19th is gonna be a doozy. It's Impeachment Thursday, and Mayorkas is the guest of dishonor. Buckle up, America, it's gonna be a wild ride!