The Boomerang Effect*

Saying Yes and No to life

Some Dutch expressions:

You are what you say

The pot reproaches the kettle that it is black

Biscuits of your own dough

The joke is that we project unto others what we don’t like or what me miss in ourselves and don’t wish to acknowledge which, nevertheless remains a part of our personalities.

Knowing about projection can change your look on life. When I wrote my scripture about this subject more than twenty years ago I was in awe. Oh, if that is true, if the game of life is like that, I understand why it is so difficult and so funny and so seducing. I found out that one of the misunderstandings of life is that we think we are innocent and beyond reproach. That’s why we play hide and seek and throw at others what we think they throw at us.

But it’s not a matter of either/or, guilty or not guilty, it’s an open and - and. The joke is that we project unto others what we don’t like in ourselves and don’t wish to acknowledge which, nevertheless remains a part of our personalities. The joke is that we project what we do not acknowledge or see in ourselves and therefore deny. To become aware of this phenomenon we need mirrors represented by our environment.

Unto our direct world we project all those hidden parts of our personality. Projecting is always done unconsciously, because we can only project what we do not know or wish to know. In practice this means that if we do not say “no” to others, they say “no” to us and we feel rejected. If we cannot say “yes” we feel unrightfully claimed or abducted by people who do say “yes” to us. If we are not allowed to be angry, we project our anger and will find ourselves confronted with anger in others. If we don’t know that we are afraid, we project our fear and others start fearing us. If we deny our sexual potency, we project our sexual longings and it seems like the whole world is filled with horny people. If we do not know we are jealous, we will be haunted by jealous colleagues, lovers, siblings, friends.

If we believe we have no power, we will project our power onto others and feel like victims.

And if we do not know we have the talent to draw, sing, dance, write, act, we will remain stuck admiring artists who do express themselves instead of becoming a painter, a singer, a dancer, a writer or an actor ourselves. When we realize that we cannot be operated on our characteristics, traits or instincts, because there are no surgeons who can cut out our jealousy or sexual drive or anger, we will know deeply how important it is to express ourselves. Instincts and conditioned behavior like natural urges cannot be amputated. What is or has become remains a part of us. We can only suppress these undesirable qualities, deciding not to express them. And if it is forbidden to say what we have to say, and do what we have do, we force ourselves to pretend, preach, accuse, manipulate and project.

Only when we become conscious of what we do, can we change our behavior and say “this is me, I am what and who I am, whether I like it or not”. In order to empower ourselves, we must be prepared to let go of our idealized image as the superman or superwoman we thought we should be. Projection is often seen as a negative factor. That is unfortunate, since projecting can show us what earlier remained unnoticed. I for one, found out that the important men in my life were visually talented: my first great love was a film director, then I met an optician and a painter, I married a photographer and after my divorce fell in love with an art director. Now I am more and more aware of my own visual ability by painting, making photo’s and video’s. It is also exciting to take a closer look at who projects what on us. The photographer I married had crushes on people who were writers.

Projections are not incidental or accidental. They can make us aware of the fact that we have more possibilities than the five to fifteen percent we usually are able to develop.

Someone who is able to use twenty-five percent of his or her capacities, is already seen as a genius.

The art of becoming a complete human being by using our talents and qualities can not only be developed by recognizing them, we also have to express them. Projection starts when as a baby we are lying in our cradle, with our full potential waiting to develop while the family comes to look at us and expresses their hopes and expectations of who we will be. There is no alternative, whatever we do, we have to play the deadly serious game of life. And just like in every other game, certain obstacles need to be taken on. One of the rules we must accept is that we cannot play this game all by ourselves. We do need others. As a baby, we do not have much choice. We do have to put up with our parents, who, however willing they might be, in some way or other, will fall short because they are human beings and not gods. That is also a part of the game. But what do we know, when we are still children. The only thing we do want is that ‘they’ are happy with us and with who we are. And we want to feel and experience it. But even when they are happy with us, they appear to be happy on condition. Even loving moms and dads and other authorities have their ideas and expectations of how or what we should do and will be. We have barely opened our eyes and expectations pop out of every corner. It doesn’t take long to figure out what they do and don’t want from us, since it is evidently connected to being ‘good’ and being ‘bad’. Crying is usually not an okay thing to do; parents don’t like it.

But even so, crying does get jobs done, it does ensure attention, although the question is if this is the kind of attention we so deeply long for. The choices are limited. We adjust to what is expected and behave as good boys or girls or we resist and revolt and are a nuisance. Both with the same aim: how to get attention. Both ways work only partly and the result is that we develop either a compliant or subversive personality.

We become someone who says ”yes” more easily than ”no” or someone who says “no” rather than “yes”.

A ‘yes person’ can all her/his life be busy proving how smart, understanding, reliable, funny, charming, and so on s/he is. But this does not get her/him the kind of love and attention s/he needs, because people become jealous or irritated or feel rejected and neglected. In the meantime a “yes person” can be annoyed by people who ask for her/his attention and nevertheless say “No” to her/him by being angry, because s/he did not get the attention s/he was really longing for. This is how compliant “yes people” become victims of the defiant ones who rather say No. It means that one behavioral option lands in the trap of the other.

As a compliant type you can be willing enough to give out loving attention and help, but we remain who we are and if we give what we would rather receive, we will get irritated and impatient. The question is if our fear for rejection allows us to express those feelings. And as a defiant person we will not get the real loving care and attention we long for, and also get irritated and anxious.

Both types are dealt the wrong cards, since they both need just as much love and care and expect to get it – in different ways - from outside. They will feel better when they start with caring for themselves instead of waiting for the care of the other first.

Irritation, critique, anger, jealousy, we would love to abort these traits, be released of them forever, but life is not meant that way.

Even if we “haven’t got a clue”, the subconscious part of our personalities does the job for us, by projecting on the outside world what we think we are not, often using the people that are closest and dearest to us. It might be an idea to be on the alert when people irritate us. Ten to one, we recognize something we would rather not be confronted with inside ourselves. Be aware when you easily get bored by talkers, for given the chance, you might talk until your ears drop off. And also if we admire people or are jealous of them, it is important to take a closer look. Possibly they have developed talents which we also have, but are afraid to express or are not aware of. The ones who say Yes easily, are irresistibly attracted to the ones who say No first, since they have to learn from them how to say No themselves. And reversely: the no’s are drawn to the yeses, because they long to learn what they have achieved: saying yes. At least, so it appears. But the “yes” and the “no” in question here, are shadows, apparent yeses and no’s. Behind a “yes” lingers a giant “no”, we don’t dare to reveal. If we are on the ‘yes’ track we are afraid to be abandoned if we let the no out of it’s cage. And behind the no of the other survivor rises a clear yes, they cannot say, due to a fear that no-one would care for them if they stopped being a victim.

There are only a few people that have learned to straight-forwardly ask for attention when they need it. The joke is on most of us, since we are one another’s authorities and so mislead and manipulate each other. The arrogant, dutiful Yes people – for example a therapist - do their best to help the victimized No people. And the No’s manipulate the Yeses by being cross and by being the victim. Of course we don’t do this on purpose. If we did we would be able to step out of the pattern because we would become aware that our manipulations do not get us what we really need. Withholding is also a great weapon in battling for what we desire. So what do we want then besides the already mentioned attention we do not get? Care, love, sex, money, support, beauty, strength, warmth, food, knowledge, children, understanding, admiration, recognition, status, are (basic) needs. If our basic needs are not fulfilled our – unconscious - longing will continue and will go on projecting.

It is painful when we remain manipulative as long as we do not consciously know and say out loud what we desire and sincerely need.

No longer knowing what we need is a recurring theme. As long as we are passively waiting for a prince or a princess who will fulfill our every need, without knowing what it is exactly we are waiting for, we remain dependent persons who act like children. We only become true adults when we conquer our pride and fear and dare to admit we are needy. And when we do, we will have to face up to the confrontation, since the question then is: who will fulfill whose needs and to what extent? It means we must be prepared to not only look after our own interests, but also to those of the other. We shall have to measure up to one another, bow our heads and admit we need others - which to be certain – is not the same as being completely dependent on them.

In my work I have discovered that I can invite this confrontation by simply asking clients to say “yes” or “no” in regard to me or to the group or to an empty chair that represents a loved one. In the sound of his or her voice I immediately detect his or her true intention. By jut saying yes or no out loud, something happens inside a person. If a Yes person hears a “no!” emerge from his depths, or a real “yes” instead of the habitual “yes but”, and if a No person hears a “yes” or a “no” that is genuine, an AHA moment can follow. By participating in the yes/no game, we measure our strength and laughter usually emerges, enabling us to step out of the power struggle. Suddenly it occurs that it’s not about winning or being right, but about two people leveling and meeting one another, whether they agree or not. Then humor comes in and life becomes more playful. The other given is that a yes and no struggle is not only present outside of us but also inside.

Our yes or top dog tells us what - according to social rules - we must abide to. And in our no echoes the voice of our underdog, resisting all those musts.

Top dog and under dog, strong and weak, struggle to be first in line, which disables us from making the next step. Top dog says you must try your best, you aren’t good enough, persist, keep going. Under dog replies: I’m afraid, I cannot, I will not.

Shops are stacked full of books telling us how to change and improve ourselves.

Our pursuit toward self improvement is bound to awaken the ever present yes no, no yes conflict. One voice says you have to keep going, prevail, be strong, the other voice objects it would be best to keep things as they are. Even if we arrive at change and progress this way, we pay the high price of fighting with ourselves, meeting our confusion over who we are and our insecurities, possibly resulting in abject self hatred. Think of the painful and often useless attempts to lose weight or abstain from drinking or smoking. Usually the harder we are on ourselves, the more perfection we opt for, the more unbearable our situation becomes. It is too bad, but doing our best and taking trouble is not exactly rewarded with bouts of abundant happiness. If we try to function better by changing our patterns, we will find ourselves stuck in possibly even worse, alternative patterns. Because it is improbable that by doing our best we will ever be good enough in our own eyes. Still becoming aware of our projections can direct us to a path of self fulfillment by integrating what we project.

Questions to chew on by taking time for you and your process. Can I say Yes? Can I say No? When can I say yes/ when can I say no? Start with finding the right time and the right place and become aware you are in the here and now by directing your attention to your breathing. Sit upright to enable the energy to flow freely through your spine. Bring paper and pen or pencil to write or draw when you are ready for it.

* Translated from the Dutch by Inez Karkabé

This is Chapter 4 of my manuscript Gnosis The C Gestalt Way

If you are interested in the whole script please send my an email: [email protected]