Boomer Tish Kaching: Act 1 completed

Boomer Tish Kaching (BTK). The birth pains of a media start-up.

This is fiction. Any resemblance to events, or persons past, present of future is weird, save for some mention of public figures etc; incidental, at most, to the plot. The author, Albert Lechat, spiritual home Kuching, Sarawak, Malaysia, apologises to those readers for whom the characters or situations seem a bit close to home but stresses again, that's just a fluke. Stuff sometimes happens more than once. So don't go thinking it's all about you.

Note on title: 'Boomers': born after WW2 until about 1964 and above ground. 'Tish' is an anagram. 'Kaching' is money music. BTK is about how pissed off young persons are at how Boomers keep getting free money by being 'clever', 'prudent' and all that kind of nonsense.

Act 1 Scene 1:

(Henry, in a dressing gown, opens his front door to Cordelia, who is dressed stylish casual, breathless and nervous)

HENRY: Come in my dear. Traffic bloody awful was it? Saturday morning, I always say, never worse. You're breathless and flushed. Twenty years ago I would have given myself half a chance, even at 10.30 in the morning..

CORDELIA: Oh for God's sake Henry. I was determined to keep it civil but do me a favour, will you? And do yourself a bigger one. You know this obscure global movement? Hash tag MeToo, hash tag shut up Henry, hash tag not funny.

HENRY: Ah yes. Hash tag. It keeps cropping up. And you say it's got nothing to do with those biscuits we used to bake back when I was ..

CORDELIA: Lord knows I could probably use one of those now..

HENRY: I'll make you one of my strong cups of tea. I learnt of the benefits of a good strong cup of tea from mother. Now of course it's a bit out of hand. You've seen my tea room? Some other time perhaps. It's temperature controlled and a little dull probably. Just sit down, draw breath.. you know.. do the mindlessness thing, is that what you call it?

CORDELIA: Mindfulness. But yeah nah, doesn't work. Well, maybe it does if you're not stressed out, doing 80 hours a week, but then that's the point isn't it; it's supposed to help when you're stressed out?

HENRY: No idea, my dear Cordelia. I'll stick with the strong cup of tea. I seem to remember fairly weak, white, no sugar and a thimbleful of a little something extra works for you?

CORDELIA: Half a thimbleful Henry.

HENRY: Ah yes, any more by the look of you and you'll fall apart or ..

CORDELIA: (cutting in): Henry, hash tag shut up, hash tag stereoptyping women again. Hash tag would you say that to Michael?

HENRY: All right, all right.

CORDELIA: Fall apart or what?

HENRY: Implode.

CORDELIA: Isn't that the same thing?

HENRY: Oh no, a world of difference my dear. One falls apart, one is a wreck but it's all dealt with. I picked this up during my time in San Diego. Not very stiff upper lip I know, and I wouldn't use this kind of loose talk around the Cotswolds but it works, honestly it does. Implode? Let's just say it's the difference between holding in flatulence, and letting it rip. San Diego again. I learnt a lot during those two years..

CORDELIA: It was more like 14 months wasn't it?

HENRY: Probably. Okay, here drink this, breathe more slowly and look at that blue wren in the garden. I'll just put on some mood music. Roxy Music work for you?

CORDELIA: No, but whatever. It worked for Lost in Translation so maybe it'll help.

HENRY: Ah yes, 'More than this', I seem to recall. Oh, that's a sterling thought, Scarlett Johanssen in her prime...

CORDELIA: Oh please Henry. She's in her prime now. You can't do this stuff. It's not funny and next thing you'll say something like that in a board meeting and you know where it goes from there.

HENRY: Well of course. I don't need this gig you know? I mean I really don't need it. Only reason I do it is it gives me, what's the word? Cachet, I suppose. With the grand kids. I keep mentioning the start-up for millennials I'm running and they seem to think I'm cool and awesome, which is no small thing, I can tell you. Of course Amanda stares at me and says I wouldn't know a start-up from a jump-start or a millennial from a millipede. She hates it when I seem to be one step ahead in understanding the young folk.

CORDELIA: While you're doing the gig, you need to take it seriously. Anyway, I thought you were trying to help me get a little Zen here.

HENRY: Let's just listen to a couple of tracks of Bryan's most soothing vocals, you drink your tea in small measured sips and then you can tell me what this is all about.

(Music fades in.. music fades out)

HENRY: You heard him do Dylan's Hard Rain? Way better than the original.

CORDLIA: He left out half the verses. And you want to see the best Hard Rain? Patti Smith. Nobel acceptance in Sweden. She stuffs up the lyrics. It's amazing.

HENRY: I suppose you're pulling my leg, but let's get on. I had quite forgotten that I've agreed to watch Nathan play tennis at 11.15 or so. They're playing at home this week. If I miss it again, all my cred over BTK counts for nought.

CORDELIA: Okay, I'll give you the short version. It was more than a thimbleful wasn't it?

HENRY: Give or take. Your mind is clearer when you relax, so take your time, my dear. The courts are two minutes' walk away, so we've got 20 minutes at least.

CORDELIA: Here's the intro: You need to get rid of Michael and you need to do it now, then get rid of Quinbean sooner rather than later. Michael is white-anting Fernando, and between him and Quinbean they couldn't make a decision if their combined rear ends were on fire.

HENRY: Aiyoh! Allow me time to pause, take a gulp rather than a measured sip of my tea. Now, ahem, speaking as I compose myself and begin to understand your urgency, let me say ... you really came over here this morning to tell me this?! ... anyway, let me say that he's a great journo. The best. Whip smart.. Quinbean, well I've never been entirely convinced, it's true. but popular, gets the job done, up to a point.

CORDELIA: Aiyoh?! You're practising your Singlish again? Wah lau! Cannot lah! Think that will cut the mustard with the big players at Singapore Inc? For crying out loud, the last thing they want is some colonial trying and failing to use their informal means of communication in a formal setting. I'd pay good money to be a fly on the wall. Make that a gecko. Anyway, back to BTK, what you need to understand is this is about management, this is about making decisions, and not backflipping every time those two geniuses freak out about the funding.

HENRY: Rather harsh on my efforts at cultural integration dear girl. In any case, to the matter at hand, you know very well I can't just get rid of him, or her for that matter, even if I were inclined to do so. I think you need another cup of tea my dear Cordelia. The tennis can wait. I can miss the first set and still keep my cred.

CORDELIA: Every time Fernando goes abroad..

HENRY: Sunning himself in Krabi, swanning around the best hotels in Jakarta..

CORDELIA: Building the global network Henry. He put us where we are now. Give me a break.

HENRY: You get the local foundation right, then you worry about the global network. You did business journalism of course. It's happened so often any fool can grasp it. Expand too fast, let your eye drift from the mothership .. did you read the New Yorker piece on WeWork?

CORDELIA: No Henry, I didn't read the bloody New Yorker on anything. Like I say I'm doing 80 hour weeks, holding the place together while those two knuckleheads faff about. You know that every time Fernando goes away, Tricky Micky skives off and does bugger all? Though it's hard to tell the difference, truth be known. But not just that, he's undermining Fernando big time, presumably at long lunches with board members. Who knows. I'm too busy. Cat's away and all that.

HENRY: Okay, I get the picture. But I really can't just unilaterally send Michael on his way, I mean seriously dear girl, have you really thought this through. But let me indulge you for a moment. Who do you say replaces Mikey boy?

CORDELIA: Modesty prevents me...

HENRY: I really don't need this. Can't you all do some mindlessness together, have some biscuits or gin or whatever it takes and just have a conversation.

CORDELIA: Oh yeah hilarious. You just can't resist ribbing me over my idea to call it The Conversation. If a joke's funny once, it's funny a hundred times. Is that it? Name's gone of course.

HENRY: Name's gone? It was gone before they took it. You know what they get? 'Hi there, I'm from The Conversation', and then 'Oh, how lovely, Jon Faine, I love Jon Faine' and then 'No not Jon Faine's Conversation Hour' and then 'No, no, I know, it's that Richard Fidler man on RN. I love him'. And so it goes. A branding mistake right at the beginning. You remember that movie The Social Network? The young punk tells Zuckerberg: Drop the 'the' off 'The Facebook'. Just call it Facebook. Well if i'd been there at the start, and they insisted on some variation of that word, I'd have said: Go with Conversing, or Conversant or even Convo.. just something that doesn't confuse everyone. Anyway, I'm glad I passed on that gig. Sounds like a nest of vipers.

CORDELIA: The product they put out is very good, well regarded. And the market is way bigger than Jon Faine's Melbourne or even Fidler's Australia. And they make our numbers look miniscule. So Henry, I need you to do this. I need you to do this now. Call the board members, call an extraordinary meeting. Just do it.

HENRY: My dear, I'll promise you this: I'll give it some thought. I'll phone you tomorrow. Where did you put your bag? Of course, you never carry one. Fancy a stroll to the tennis? He's very good, and it's soothing you know, the thwack of racquet on ball.

CORDELIA: I'll get going Henry. I need to decompress further. Might well involve top shelf gin. What time tomorrow?

HENRY: I'll call you by, well, let's say by 3pm, is that okay? Just one thing, remind me, it's been playing on my mind. You told me once how Quinbean got that name? Damned if I can remember.

CORDELIA: Born in Queenbeyan, parents wanted to acknowledge the local indigenous people. I've told you that about four times.

HENRY. Ah yes. What a curse. Every time she has to give her name over the phone.. dear oh dear. What some parents inflict on the innocent.

CORDELIA: Please get this right Henry. Tricky Micky and Q the untouchable are going to wreck the joint. And I don't mean this as a threat, but as chair, you carry the can, ultimately.

HENRY: Carry a can of water, chop wood.. watch tennis.

(Cordelia leaves hurriedly without a backward glance. Henry looks on perplexed, turns to dress for his tennis spectating.)

Act 1 Scene ii

(Henry is several steps up the staircase, smartphone in hand, at the home he shares with wife Amanda, straining to listen as the shower starts to flow.)

HENRY: Cordelia my dear? Yes it's early, but I need to talk.. no, no I haven't spoken.. no, I haven't. Please just let me speak. Amanda is in the shower. If I end the call, it simply means she's out, but on recent form we've got at least 12 minutes. No, just let me speak. Yes I'm coming to that. So this is how it is. When you visited, I was satisfied my beloved spouse was comatose upstairs, having enjoyed at least seven eighths of the second bottle of bubbly around 3am, as the conversation turned to a complete do-over of the furnishings at the Portsea place. Turns out that just as you and I were chatting, my dear wife was driving the porcelain bus as we used to say, bionic ear attune to every word spoken thanks to that genius architect who convinced me a skylight was just the thing; turns out the bloody thing funnels conversation upstairs so well it has the accoustics of the bloody Epidaurus.. yes that's right, ancient Greek theatre. I thought you went, family heritage and all that? OK, let's just say they got it right and the Sydney Opera House got it wrong.

Anyway, no please let me just get through this. So the takeaway for dear Amanda is that you and I are an item, that I told you that you reminded me of a younger Scarlett Johannsen, that I wanted "more than this" and that we have an assignation at 3pm to spend some special time together. Get the picture? Oh yes, and that all this is part of my research for my next novel, you know what she so charmingly refers to as my soft-porn hobby. Yes that's right. Well, yes the accoustics are perfect but bear in mind .. Just a minute. Okay, the shower's stilling running. Bear in mind that after more than a bottle and a half of bubbly, no matter how good it is, and having brought up the day's takings.. yes that's right, it was oysters then some moussaka thing we got somewhere, and then throw in for good measure a predisposition to imagining the worst of yours truly. Well yes, of course. No that's the point. Just a second.. So please my dear Cordelia, I can't call you at three on BTK but just stay calm, don't fret. I need to handle this domestic .. what did Keating call it? .. this ripple on the Canberra pond , in this case transpose Burley Griffin for Albert Park Lake or something. Yes, no, please relax. I understand .. yes you're out on a limb, I couldn't disagree with you on that, but I'm going to handle this.. You know that other Keating quote? 'I'm going to do you slowly.' Speaking of Hewson of course. It's arguable dear girl that it might have been smarter to play a longer game, get them spooked, get them doubting the support they commanded on the floor of the office. Then strike when you have a few board members on the team. If you quote me on that, I'll deny I ever said it, and you know my phone is scrambled obviously, and you wouldn't be so silly as to record me obviously. Anyway, that option is clearly a goner. No, that's the trouble, I can't just unremember yesterday's chat. It doesn't work that way. I'd be the one out on a limb and I don't like the view from such vantage points.. No, I'm not.. No really, please just relax. That is not a betrayal. Yes exactly. Just have a stiff drink, go to a movie at the Nova or something. We'll sort it out tomorrow.

Act 1 Scene iii

(Cordelia is seated at her desk in an open plan office, working at a desk top computer, looking a little agitated, glancing around. Michael approaches, and speaks in a low voice, ever watchful of colleagues who may be getting a sense of what is unfolding.)

MICHAEL: Cordelia, a word?

CORDELIA: Sure. What is it? I'm just pushing out the PH levels piece.

MICHAEL: A word. Not here. Up in the meeting room. Now please.

CORDELIA: You wanted this piece out fast remember?

MICHAEL: Now please.

CORDELIA: I'm not going anywhere Michael. Tell me what this is. I'm going to push out the avocado coffee PH piece because you said it was important. Bang centre of our demographic, you said.

MICHAEL: Please don't be difficult.

CORDELIA: You've been talking to Henry haven't you?

MICHAEL: This really won't be good for anyone if we make a scene, okay?

CORDELIA: I'm not moving. Say what you have to say to me here.

(Michael pulls smartphone out of his pocket, makes call.)

MICHAEL: Q, please come back to the main office, it's about that avocado piece. Yes, no, I realise that but just bring, you know bring what you have.

CORDELIA: If this is what I think it is, you're making a massive mistake Michael. You're just gazing into the distance Michael. Lost your nerve? Care to say something? I'd just remind you that I'm pretty popular around here.

QUINBEAN: Hi there Cordelia. How are you? Love the avocado piece, all my friends are raving..

CORDELIA: It hasn't gone out yet. It's about the way the PH levels of avocado offset the acidic qualities of the coffee. Michael wanted it out fast.

QUINBEAN: Right. Okay. Well, Michael.. speaking of a little caffeine hit, and perhaps, you know a little privacy, can we just go get a coffee?

CORDELIA: I'm going nowhere Quin. Say what you've got to say. Where's Fernando?

(Michael motions to Quinbean to pass him an envelope she is holding. He then puts his hands on the desk next to Cordelia and speaks in an even lower voice.)

MICHAEL: I want this to be as good for everyone as we can possibly make it, but there are security guys if necessary. Think about it. Instagram. You walking out, accompanied by chaps in uniform. You want that?

CORDELIA: You are joking. This is a bad dream. Quin, you're joking right? Where's Fernando?

MICHAEL: Fernando is doing outreach. It's in the diary. You have five minutes Cordelia. So that's by 9.56. Do it calmly. My suggestion for what it's worth: Say you're popping out for coffee and ask if anyone wants one. Your entry card is cancelled. Just do it with grace. Thanks for all your hard work. When you read the letter, you'll see we've given you a nice buffer.

CORDELIA: I'm going to be ill.

(Cordelia takes coat from back of chair, walks through the office stony faced and leaves. Various colleagues continue working oblivious.)

Act 1 Scene iv

(Cordelia is seated alone at a cafe table, tucked away in a corner. Fernando approaches, cursory, barely discernible air kissing, sits down.)

FERNANDO: Okay, so how are you? I mean it's bloody awful obviously.

CORDELIA: I'm in shock. I mean I can't even process the shock so maybe I'm not even in shock. I'm somewhere between numb .. 'Every nerve in my body is so vacant and numb'.

FERNANDO: Oh, we're playing that again? You want to play Zimmy ping pong?

CORDELIA: It would probably help. You know, give me some distance. Art can do that.

FERNANDO: Yeah sure I can play, but I have a whole lot of questions, I mean I'm really upset for you, of course I am, and I'm empathetic, but truth be known, I'm actually short of time just now, some damned meeting of philanthropists, it never ends. But I need some answers to those questions... and okay, I don't need answers that are 'blowing in the wind'. I need answers that are..

CORDELIA: For mercy's sake Fernando. I worked my guts out for you.. I believed in the whole damned thing as much as you did. I poured my heart and soul into ..

FERNANDO: 'Take the rag away from your face. Now ain't the time for your tears.'

CORDELIA: Okay, well the context is way out of whack but yeah, the line works in our conversation.

FERNANDO: Well here's another one: 'Eden is burning, either get ready for elimination or else your hearts must have the courage for the changing of the guard.'

CORDELIA: Great line obviously. It's David Cameron's favourite song right? And Patti Smith says she wept when she first heard it. But how is it relevant here?

FERNANDO: Okay, well think of it as an elaborate way of saying: 'One door closes, another door opens'. You'll find that if you hang out around the closed door, it'll pretty much stay closed. Funny that. Banging on it won't help, nor will kicking it in, though you might enjoy your five minutes of infamy. For me, my Eden, my baby, my project, well it's not exactly burning, but something very unexpected and damned unpleasant just happened. And something is going on, and if there's going to be a changing of the guard, then I'm damned sure I'm going to be part of the new guard just as I started the whole bloody thing. And elimination? That's not about you, it's about whomever is trying to mess with my baby.

CORDELIA: 'I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now'. Actually, I feel about 20 years older in the past three days, but the hours were brutal, so maybe lying in a fetal position for about three months and peeking through my fingers to watch something comforting on Netflix that might make me feel or look a bit younger..

FERNANDO: Give that a go. But eat right. And try to get an occasional walk in. Walks are good. Very good. So answers right? The good old fashioned Ws?

CORDELIA: Okay, so let me guess: You're going to start with 'why'?

FERNANDO: Well spotted. But just work into the 'why' the additional question of why the hell you didn't come to me about all this.

CORDELIA: So you've been away Nands, haven't you? I mean you've been away a lot. And I get that, and I agree with that, I agree with the global strategy. I didn't go to London for three months to write you that report because I felt like hanging around in Chelsea. 'I don't want to go to Chelsea'. Different writer.

FERNANDO: Ever heard of WhatsApp? Email? The personal communication system of your choice? You know: 'Fernando, need to chat about something. Kind of urgent. Aspasia.' How hard is that?

CORDELIA: Yes, yes, I get your point. Okay, I didn't want to involve you. This is, as you so properly point out, your baby, your pride and joy, and what I was doing was messy and ugly. And I just thought: I'm doing Fernando a favour, and I'll just get it done, and we can get one with making BTK as great as it possibly can be. Let him stay above the fray.

FERNANDO: Okay, so what I need is facts. I need to know what you did, what you said, what you suspected and what you suspected of whom. Everything. Just tell it like a reporter. Yeah, take the rag away from your face.

(Background music in cafe cranks up, Fernando and Cordelia put their heads together and are seen whispering. At one point Fernando stands up in apparent surprise and horror, begins to walk out, Cordelia reaches out her arm and draws him back. Music fades back to background level.)

FERNANDO: So this was just genius right? You really thought you could give Henry half an hour's notice, waltz across town, knock on his door and take out Michael and then Q for good measure shortly thereafter. No strategy. No 'let's run this by Fernando' or even a single member of the board, or basically anyone? You do know that Henry was in the British SAS in Egypt in the aftermath of Suez right? They planned their stuff down to the minutest detail; covered every contingency; considered every possible thing that could go wrong. And here he is, looking at you, pleading with him to do something unilateral that makes basically no sense if you're the chair. Goodness gracious. Yes, okay you're upset but this was a kamikaze mission. Let's just call it for what it was.

CORDELIA: So empathetic. Maybe they're right about you.

FERNANDO: What do you mean?

CORDELIA: I thought I went over that. Some there say you're kind of direct, a little lacking in empathy, consideration, thoughtfulness.

FERNANDO: You mean I don't do the touchy feely stuff?

CORDELIA: That's not the form of words I would use, but you're in the right territory.

FERNANDO: Oh for crying out loud. This is a newsroom, we are journalists, not shrinking violets. So the various delicate petals around the place are feeling brutalised by some straight talking. Is that it? I can only imagine the deep trauma they would have suffered should they have worked at some of the places I've done the hard yards. Bosses who threw typewriters across the room, attempted strangulation, small scale brawls. All over who got the first byline, in some instances. Booze may possibly have played a role.

CORDELIA: Okay, sure, sure. You're old school. I think we're all pretty much across that. I'm semi old school right? I mean I'm not a millennial for a start. Anyway, I'm feeling better now. Talking about this stuff is kind of therapeutic, cathartic, I guess. I'm still in shock, and that's if I've actually got that far. But I feel about 3 per cent better than I did when you walked in..

FERNANDO: Put it down to my special way with the touchy feely stuff...

CORDELIA: Hilarious. So you want the intro, the biggest takeaway? Your mate Michael, the guy who you kind of think of as a son, well, right there..

FERNANDO: Son is a bit strong, but I like the guy, he was my first hire. He's very good. Smart as they come. Ambitious too.

CORDELIA: You got that last part right. So here's the thing. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Oh hey, there's a line you might want to ponder that's a little more blunt: 'You got a lotta nerve to say you are my friend. When I was down, you just stood there grinning'. Just have a think about who might be grinning down the track. What do they say? Grinners are winners? Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you get ratings like.. can't remember the last bit. From noted philosopher Norman Gunston.

FERNANDO: Que?

(outro music: final verse of Desolation Row by Bob Dylan, using little enough so as to avoid copyright matters)

############################################################

(Copyright over the above material, and the idea for the play is asserted by the author. .)